Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.

The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.”

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”.

The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”

The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.”

The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t.

When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green.

However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”

The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?” The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”

The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”

The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”

The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the f…ing putt!”

 

[RGrew176]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, touching his lips.

“Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”

 

[RGrew176]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can’t take it with you”, wrong.

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

 

[aspeck]

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions.
"What sort of lawyer were you?"
"Oh, I was a divorce attorney", was the reply.
"Name?" asks St. Pete.
The lawyer gives his name and St. Peter finds his file.
"Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span."
The lawyer says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old."
Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible."
"Why do you say that?" asks the lawyer.
"Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 117 years old!"

 

[aspeck]

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend.

The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells,

"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[RGrew176]

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.

Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.

The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.

The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”

Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.

Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”

The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.

She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”

 

[RGrew176]

John’s wife, refusing to give in to aging, goes out to buy some new cosmetics so she can look years younger.

After spending some time applying “Miracle“ products to her face, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, how old would you think I am?“

Looking at her carefully, John replied…

“Judging from your skin twenty, your hair eighteen. And your figure, twenty five.“

“OH, you flatterer!“ She gushed.

Just as she was about to tell John his reward, he stops her and says “WHOA, hold on there sweety…

“I haven’t added them up yet!“

 

[RGrew176]

After a weekend vacation, a sergeant got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time.

It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office to get an explanation.

The first soldier walks in, and the sergeant asks: “Well, what’s your excuse for showing up so late?”

“Sory, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped and then suddenly an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride!

Well, you know, I couldn’t refuse the man’s kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here and that’s why I was late!”

“HMMPH,” said the surprised sergeant. “I gues that’s a reasonable explanation,” and he let the soldier go.

He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and buggy stopped for me…”

And the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.

One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.

The last soldier then walks in, and the sergeant, now quite angry says: “I suppose you hitch-hiked too?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.



“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose you also got a ride?”

“YES SIR!”

“And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?”

“NO SIR!”

“NO???” asked the surprised sergeant.

“NO SIR, it was a 2014 mercedes, SIR!”

“Then why the heck were you late?!”

“We tried to make good time sir,” answered the soldier apologetically,

“But the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!”

 

[RGrew176]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”

They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**

 

[RGrew176]

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.

After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” the little girl replied.

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”

They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.'”

 

[RGrew176]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde.

“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde,

“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”

 

[RGrew176]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-

School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so

​​​​​​​naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”

 

[RGrew176]

Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.

Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.

“Medicine for rheumatism?”

“Definitely,” he said.

“How about Viagra?”

“Of course.”

“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”

“Yes, the works.”

“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

“All speeds and sizes.”

“Good,” Bob said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.”

 

[RGrew176]

A famous British explorer was invited to a seaside town to give a talk about his adventures in the African jungle.

“Can you imagine a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryos of a certain bird and slices of the belly of a certain animal?” the explorer asked the assembled audience.

Its members gasped and looked around at each other in horror.

“They also grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear the result with a greasy mess that’s extracted from the mammary fluid of certain other animals,” the explorer continued.

“Utterly barbaric! How can people live like that?” said a lone voice.

“All I’ve described is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast, sir!” retorted the explorer.

Moral of the story: Don’t be quick to judge cultures before you understand your own!

 

[RGrew176]

While dads may be glad to see their daughter happy or in love, when it comes to dating, there are some hard-line rules that NO suitor should cross, unless they want to meet the kind of special wrath only angry dads can dish out.

Here are 10 rules from a father to a teenage daughter’s boyfriend:

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat!

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window – is mine!

 

[RGrew176]

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet”, said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and then we can visit for a while.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “may we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later the guests asked again, “may we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.

Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. “Who said that?” he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, “It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked, “What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. “A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”

The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”

“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher, “because that black horse don’t know sh*t about cars.”

 

[RGrew176]

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.”

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-three,” she replied.

“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of them.

 

[RGrew176]

GOD said: ?”Adam, I want you to do something for me.?”

“Gladly, Lord,”? replied Adam. “?What do you want me to do?”

“Go down into the valley.”

“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.

God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”?

“What?’s a river?”

God explained it to him, and then continued: “?Go over the hill??.”

“What?s a hill?”?

God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”?

“What?’s a cave??”

After God explained, he said: “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam asked, “?What?’s a woman??”

So God explained that to him too. He continued: “?I want you to reproduce.”?

“How do I do that?”

“Jeez!”? God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.

Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.?

A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…

…?What?’s a headache??”

 

[RGrew176]

Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.

On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: “I want the men to make two lines – one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.

The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.

Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.”

Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son – how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

“I don’t know – my wife told me to stand here,” replied the man.