Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”

 

[RGrew176]

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens.

As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive.

Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”

 

[RGrew176]

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket one day. When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.

So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about. “

 

[RGrew176]

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:
“IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or

“IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or

“IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”

The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”

 

[RGrew176]

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.

After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone.



“Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes then I will join you,” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”

Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

Through teary and bleary eyes, she read:

I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread.”

 

[RGrew176]

A Sign in a Shoe Repair Store:

We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you

A sign on a Blind & Curtain Truck:
"Blind man driving."

In a Podiatrist's office:


"Time wounds all heels.”




On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.



At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”





On a Plumber's truck:


"We repair what your husband fixed.”




On another Plumber's truck:


"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



At a Tire Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”



On an Electrician's truck:


"Let us remove your shorts.”



In a Non-smoking Area:


"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”




On a Maternity Room door:


"Push. Push. Push.”




At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”




Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”




At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”




In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”





At a Propane Filling Station:


"Thank Heaven for little grills.”





In a Chicago Radiator Shop:


"Best place in town to take a leak.”





Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:


"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

[RGrew176]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail , and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He Bursts in and Shouts to his Master,

"Master, Master"





wait for it





here it comes








"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"





I am Soooooo Sorry.....

But You Really

Should'veSeen That Coming!!

 

[RGrew176]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

 

[RGrew176]

Two 70-year-old men had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Frank was dying, Joe visited him every day.

One day Joe said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."

"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe, it's me, Frank"

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank, Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddieswho died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always summertime, and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. " And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Joe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"


Life is uncertain—eat your dessert first!

 

[RGrew176]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.



She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.



The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.



A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.



They sold her the cat food.



The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.



Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.



A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.



The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.



The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.



So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.



She said to the little old lady, "That smells like poop."



The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."





Don't mess with old people.

 

[RGrew176]

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble,

but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.

Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?

That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.

Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named,

"Sag Harbor."

♦ Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us."

If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.



Now, go have a nice day, or whichever kind of day you want.

 

[RGrew176]

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.

“Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom,” he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally, the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

 

[RGrew176]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“Sure will,” replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

“That’s terrific!” said the hot shot. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy. “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here.. Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , “No, but when Wyatt gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your behind, and it won’t hurt as much if it’s all greased up.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.

In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.

Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.

The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.

He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.

The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”

 

[RGrew176]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

 

[RGrew176]

One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.

“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.

“Honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”

Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.

Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.

“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”

 

[RGrew176]

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I’m yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.”

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old Labrador retriever.

 

[RGrew176]

One day, on their 30-year anniversary, a fairy appeared at the home of a 60-year-old married couple and said to the husband: “I understood from your wife that you were a model husband throughout your marriage, and I would like to fulfill a wish of yours in honor of your anniversary.”

The husband smiled and said to his wife: “I am sorry my beloved wife, but such an opportunity won’t come again, “ He turned to the fairy and said, “For the next few years I want to spend time with a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy smiled and said, “That’s exactly what I thought you’d answer.”

The fairy winked at the woman, waved her magic wand, and turned the husband into a 90-year-old man.

 

[RGrew176]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said: “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

 

[RGrew176]

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”