Post Your Jokes Here

[Old Ironmaker]

Some goods ones all.

A lawyer from Rome goes to New York City for a big international law conference. When he gets back his partners ask Bruno what he learned. He tells them that when he was there a guy fell on the ice in front of the big fancy Hotel and hurt his back, even before he sued the hotel owners they settled for $500,000.00, another guy slipped on a wet floor and broke his ankle, that guy got a cheque for 1 million US dollars and that wasn't all, a woman slipped in the dining room and broke her foot and she settled to 2 million US dollars. All this in the 2 weeks he was in NY. He told his partners he was moving to NY. They said Bruno you just can't show up and practice law there, you need to pass the bar exam in NY State. Hell I'm not going to practice law I'm going to fall down in fancy hotels.

 

[RGrew176]

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”

As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.

His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”

The husband said, “I know all that.”

The wife looked on at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.

“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.

The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

 

[RGrew176]

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

“What does that mean?” she asked suspiciously.

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

“I’m Just Kidding!”

 

[RGrew176]

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied.

The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

“It’s true. We never fight.”

“PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’

“We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’

“Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’

“My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’

 

[RGrew176]

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

“When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

“Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

 

[RGrew176]

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!”

 

[RGrew176]

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar.

The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend’s act of charity.

“Why the hell did you do that?” yells Kurt.

“You know he’s only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!”

Desmond laughs: “What…and we weren’t?”

 

[RGrew176]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

 

[RGrew176]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response.

He replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

 

[RGrew176]

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

 

[RGrew176]

An old man lived alone in Tasmania.

He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Jase,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I’m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven’s sake, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.

At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad. Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Jase.

 

[dwco5051]

Married Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter.

Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.

“Be careful,” he said, “Karen be careful! Put in some more butter!

You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They’re going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.Where is the salt?

Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”

Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

Peter calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving the car.”

 

[Old Ironmaker]

Good one DWCO, actually great one.

 

[southkogs]

Good one DWCO, actually great one.

It is ... but I'm not showing it to the Admiral. :black_eyed:

 

[RGrew176]

Three buddies are out bar hopping around in a sports car.

It’s all fun and games until the guy behind the wheel gets it wrong while trying to drift through a downtown intersection.

Inevitably, the sports car ends up slamming into a tree, killing all three of them instantly.

Sometime later, they find themselves at an orientation prior to entering into Heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!'”

 

[RGrew176]

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,

‘in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.’

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,

‘In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.’

Hans steps up next,

‘In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck’s, the real king of beers.’

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.

‘Barman, give me a coke with ice please.’

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually, Bruce asks, ‘Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?’

Patrick replies, ‘Well, if you lot aren’t drinking, then neither am I.’

 

[RGrew176]

One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

“My farts never smell, and are always silent.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly…”

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife.

He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ”

The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond.

When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?”

“She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”

 

[RGrew176]

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.

“Nah…” she shrugs.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.

She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”

“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

 

[RGrew176]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.

The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.

Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.

“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.

Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”

“Not so fast, James!”