Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.

“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

The librarian began to get angry.

“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

 

[RGrew176]

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.

His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody– it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.

As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.

“You went to the beach?”

“Absolutely.”

“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”

“Absolutely.”

“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”

“Absolutely.”

“And what were the first words you saw?”

“Chapter 11.”

 

[RGrew176]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

“I’ll take him and him and him.”

 

[RGrew176]

OBGYN, I couldn’t help but notice the “10 important questions and answers” document she had on her wall. As I started reading I also started laughing! Why? Check out these questions and answers!



Pregnancy and Women:
Frequently Asked Questions



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

[RGrew176]

Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.

Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn’t stop. He hit the bunny head on.

The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene.

There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, “Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!”

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible.

The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, “I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it’s all my fault.”

The woman ran back to her car.

A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle.

She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it.

The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman.

Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again.

It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, “What is that stuff in that bottle?”

The woman replied, “It’s harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave.”

 

[RGrew176]

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.

One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.

He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.

The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.

But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.

He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”

 

[RGrew176]

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

“How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

 

[RGrew176]

John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greeted them and said, “Hey, John! How ya doin?”

Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he’d been to this club before.

“Oh no,” said John. “He’s one of the security guys I meet on my business trips.”

When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he’d like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.

His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“I recognize her, she’s the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”

A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

John’s wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.

John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turned around and said, “Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time.”

 

[RGrew176]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty.

“We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

 

[RGrew176]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the tough, hairy biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl…”

 

[RGrew176]

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

“It is the laser,” said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect.

“The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional.”

“No,” interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier’s phenomenal mind.

“It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch.”

“I disagree,” said the airman, a man of, well he’s an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool.

“The greatest invention is the thermos.”

“The thermos?” exclaimed the other two.

“Yup, a thermos,” he said. “I mean, just think about it.

If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it.”

“Yeah, so?” quizzed the other two.

“Well,” said the airman, “How does it know?”

 

[RGrew176]

A man goes into the confession booth at the church.

“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.

“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.

After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”

“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.

“That is just the thing,” said the main,

“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”

The priest remained silent.

The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”

“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”

 

[RGrew176]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh, please excuse me!“ said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.“

“That’s perfectly all right,“ replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?“

“Well, I really don’t know,“ said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.“

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… you must be a bunny rabbit!“

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?“

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?“

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any nuts… You must be a lawyer!“

 

[RGrew176]

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

“Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.” The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.” The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. “Hi there, Mr. Dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me,

scratches my belly, and I just love him!!” Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could

speak with the farmer’s horse. “Well, you know, horses don’t talk.” Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.”

So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist.

The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!” Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, “twelve!”

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

“Why are you guys just yelling numbers?” He asks his cellmate. “What’s so funny about random numbers?”

“Well,” says the older prisoner, “They’re not random. It’s just that we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.”

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, “SIX!” But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“You didn’t tell it right.”

 

[RGrew176]

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds each, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season had closed!

Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!”

The fisherman says, “No my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained… like how?”

“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”

“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.” So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?”

The fisherman says, “What For?”

The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”

The fisherman says, “What lobsters?”

 

[RGrew176]

This Australian school has apparently had its fill of parental complaints, and has decided to record a very unique, and perhaps quite cynical, message…

This is the message that the — Maroochydore High School, Queensland, Australia **, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

*RRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGG*

*CLICK*

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting you to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selction.

To lie about why your child is absent Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework Press 2.

To complain about what we do Press 3.

To swear at staff members Press 4.

To ask why you didn’t get information, that has already been enclosed in your newsletter and several fliers that have been mailed to you Press 5

If you want us to raise your child Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone Press 7.

To request another teacher, for the third time this year Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation Press 9.

To complain about school lunches Press 0.

If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her behavior,classwork, and homework. And it’s not the teachers fault for your childs lack of effort please hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language. Move to a country that speaks it.

Thank you for your interested in public education.

 

[RGrew176]

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.

The man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, “That will be $6.40 please.” So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then the ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

“The usual?” asked the waitress. “No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” said the man. “Same for me,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” said the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” said the man.

The waitress asked, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighed, paused, and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

 

[RGrew176]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

[oldrem]