Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

[RGrew176]

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.

One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.

They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.

When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.

They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.

They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’

The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.

‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’

The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.

‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…

‘POTATOES POTATOES!’

 

[RGrew176]

A blonde lived with two blonde room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.

When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.

A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it’s not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first.“

 

[RGrew176]

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I’d ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy’s face, saying “I slept with your mother.”

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy’s face, saying it again. “Hey, I slept with your mother.”

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, “No seriously, I slept with your mother.”

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

“That’s it. We’re going home, Dad. You’re drunk.”

 

[RGrew176]

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.

After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.

Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.

They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

“Now you know!”

 

[RGrew176]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”

 

[RGrew176]

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.

They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.

The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.

To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.

The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.

The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.

The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.

As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.

At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.

As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.

When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…

Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”

 

[RGrew176]

Paul got a part-time job at the Post Office.

He was thrilled, because he had been looking for employment for a while, without any luck.

It wasn’t long before his first day arrived, and he headed to the Post Office brimming with confidence.

The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail.

Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

His supervisor didn’t understand how he was capable of working so fast but didn’t question it.

The supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day.

“I just want you to know,” the supervisor said, “that I’m very pleased with the job you did today. You’re one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had.”

“Thank you, Sir,” said Paul, beaming, “and tomorrow I’ll try to do even better.”

“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”

Paul replied, “Tomorrow I’m going to read the addresses.”

 

[RGrew176]

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.

He wanders through the thick jungle for days upon days, and it seems like his journey’s going to amount to nothing.

As he ventures deeper into it, his attention is drawn to something hanging overhead in the canopy and decides to take a closer look.

Suddenly, he falls into a trap, is knocked unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don’t understand!” he cries, “You can’t do this to me! I’m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribesman, “Well soon you will be editor-in-chief!”

 

[Redfred1]

First Aggie joke! Aggie walks into a a Pizza place; orders a small pizza to go. Is asked "How do you want it cut; 4 or 6? Aggie scratches his head; then says "Better cut it in 4; I can't eat 6.

 

[RGrew176]

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice.

He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:

“From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly. “The Undertaker!”

 

[RGrew176]

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.

I feel ashamed and unhappy.

I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.

I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Marvin

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.

I wanted to take this letter and burn it.

I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

 

[RGrew176]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.

“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

 

[RGrew176]

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff.

So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired.

As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn’t think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also, a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, “Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division – Snap, Crackle, and Pop should work out fine down there.”

 

[RGrew176]

Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games.

The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.

The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.

They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.

Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.

He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says:

“I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start an idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!”

 

[RGrew176]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

 

[RGrew176]

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

“Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.

“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”

They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

“Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?”

“You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”

“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

 

[RGrew176]

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor.

“What can I do for you?” Said the Pope.

The Colonel said, “Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

The Pope replied, “I am very sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and it isn’t something I can just change the words for.” So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. “Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”

And the Pope responded, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.” So the Colonel gave up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replied, “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The bishops rejoiced at the news.

Then one asked about the bad news.

The Pope replied:

“The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

 

[RGrew176]

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy): “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.

 

[RGrew176]

Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.

One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”

The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”

The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”

“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.