Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. ?Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!?

?Dear God! Did your try to stop him??

?No,? said the clerk, ?but don?t worry. I got the license plate number!?

 

[RGrew176]

This man was talking to himself. "I wish I could meet some really important people before I die...."

A man walked up to him and said, "Hi, my name is Mike and I overheard you. I can help you because I know everybody on the planet who is alive today."

"No way, you must be pulling my leg. Let's go to Jane Hull so you can prove it to me," said the man.

So they go to Jane Hull's office, and when she notices Mike, they start to talk about how they were in kindergarten together.

"Okay, it could have been a coincidence that you were in kindergarten together. Let's go talk to the president!" said the man. So they took a jet to the White House where the President was having a press conference. When the President saw Mike, they started to talk about how they were in band together.

"Okay for your last test, let's go to the Pope!" said the man. So they took a jet to Rome and when they got there they went to a church were the Pope was giving a sermon. After the sermon, Mike walked up to the Pope and they shook hands and started to talk.

When Mike walked back over to the man, the man said, "You know, I had a hard time believing you even after the Pope until a guy came up to me and said, "Hey who is that standing next to Mike?!"

 

[gm280]

I always wondered why Psychic Hotlines always ask for your name and credit card numbers, shouldn't the already know them? :noidea:

 

[RGrew176]

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.

Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

 

[RGrew176]

Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field.

Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?"

The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, "Well, I'm just out enjoying the sun in my canoe."

Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, "Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!"

"Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open," the blonde replied.

"You know," Gracie said, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"

 

[82rude]

Vegetarian,An old Indian word for bad hunter.

 

[Grub54891]

Vegetarian,An old Indian word for bad hunter.

​

Well, Not really a joke but here ya go.

In a sense I'm a vegetarian. I eat meat, the animals I eat consume corn, grasses, wheat, ya know, vegetation. By eating meat, I'm being more efficient at getting my vegatables......

 

[Bayou Dave]

​

Well, Not really a joke but here ya go.

In a sense I'm a vegetarian. I eat meat, the animals I eat consume corn, grasses, wheat, ya know, vegetation. By eating meat, I'm being more efficient at getting my vegatables......

Makes sense to me. Guess I am a vegetarian also.

 

[gm280]

If coconut oil comes from coconuts, and soybean oil comes from soybeans, where does baby oil come from? :noidea:

 

[gm280]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef!

Complements from my grandson today at lunch. :thumb:

 

[RGrew176]

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith?s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.

She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.

On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home?

Including the curtain rods.

 

[bruceb58]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who are married to Blondes Norman says..................

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[FlaCowboy]

Bricklayer's Accident Report

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers'
Compensation board. This is a true story.. Had this guy
died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....




Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put
'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for
a fuller explanation and I trust the following details
will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, found that I had some bricks
left over which, when weighed later, were found to be
slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was
attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that
I weigh 175 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go
of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate
up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which
was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and
the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the
accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I
had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs
and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with
the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only
three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile
of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and
I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.​

 

[RGrew176]

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

 

[RGrew176]

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.?

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

 

[RGrew176]

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row.

?Excuse me,? he says, ?but did I step on your toe on the way out??

?As a matter of fact, you did,? says the woman, expecting an apology.

?Oh good,? says the man, ?then this is my row.?

 

[RGrew176]

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

?Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?? he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

?Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?? he tries. The two continue to stare.

?Parlare Italiano?? No response. ?Hablan ustedes Espanol?? Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, ?Y?know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.?

?Why?? says the other. ?That guy knew four languages, and it didn?t do him any good.?

 

[RGrew176]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth closed that does the trick."

 

[RGrew176]

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her.

Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

?I?ll tell her if you like,? said the doctor. ?I?ll lead up to it gradually.?

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady?s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ?round to money.

?Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,? he said, ?what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars??

?Half a million?? said the old lady reflectively, ?well you?ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I?d give half of it to you.?

And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

 

[RGrew176]

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"