Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off.

The husband was angry to have missed the plane. ?If you weren?t so slow in getting ready,? he complained to his wife, ?we wouldn?t have missed the plane.?

?And if you wouldn?t have rushed me, we wouldn?t have to wait so long until the next flight,? she replied.

 

[RGrew176]

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

 

[RGrew176]

There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement.

Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.

Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it.

Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"

A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2.

He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes."

 

[RGrew176]

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.

?Look,? the crook said, ?I?ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off??

The lawyer said, ?Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.?

And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

 

[RGrew176]

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"

The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?"

To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says.

The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

 

[RGrew176]

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

 

[RGrew176]

Tom was invited to his friend?s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, ?I think it?s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.?

?To tell you the truth,? his friend said, ?I forgot her name abut three years ago.?

 

[RGrew176]

Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.

The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, "Looks like it...?

The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, "smells like it..."

The third, sticking his finger in it, said, "feels like it". "Good thing we didn't step in it", they all agreed as they turned and walked away.

 

[RGrew176]

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.

?John,? the marriage counselor said, ?you?re an athletic guy? here?s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.?

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. ?I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!? he exclaimed over the phone.

?Great!? replied the counselor, ? And how?s your wife??

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, ?How should I know, I?m 300 miles from home!?

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

 

[gm280]

A distraught man that has been in trouble all his life was standing on the top of a 20 story building and going to end it all and jump off. The police were called in and they were talking to the man trying to talk him from jumpng. One officer stated that the man’s mother was coming to talk to him. The man seems to wait on her to get there. She finely arrived and said, “On your mark, get set, go”…..

 

[RGrew176]

New Years Eve On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

[RGrew176]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[Bayou Dave]

Where do you find all these good jokes, Rick?

 

[aspeck]

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

That will show up in a sermon some day ...

 

[RGrew176]

Where do you find all these good jokes, Rick?

I'm not going to say they are all good jokes but they are clean enough to post here. I get them via a daily email from a jokes site.

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist? Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[Volphin]

A little boy lived in the country and his family still used an outhouse. The boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, freezing in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse sat on the bank of a creek. The boy wanted to push it into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the boy decided to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

After much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today, George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[gm280]

[h=2]A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,[/h] I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

 

[RGrew176]

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

?Why don?t you play your age?? he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. ?Did she win?? he asked.

?No? replied the attendant. ?She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.?