Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

 

[bassman284]

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

Ha! That's one I can use.

 

[RGrew176]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[RGrew176]

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

 

[RGrew176]

Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true? I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries!

Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!?

 

[RGrew176]

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

 

[RGrew176]

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye."

The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on."

The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay.

Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye."

The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on."

The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

 

[RGrew176]

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'

 

[gm280]

[FONT=&quot]IRISH GHOST STORY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him andgetting ready tostop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but itnever touched or harmed him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and no, he wasn't drunk.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy...there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"[/FONT]

 

[RGrew176]

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

?I came here,? said one, ?because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you??

?I came,? the second man replied, ?because my son was taking saxophone lessons.?

 

[RGrew176]

A man named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the man and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $998," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,? said Jean Paul.

 

[RGrew176]

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.

His father impressed by his son?s kindness, gave him the dollar. ?There you are my son,? said the father. ?But, tell me, isn?t the little lady able to work any more?

?She sells candy? was the boy?s reply.

 

[FlaCowboy]

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally I got around to doing it while she was out shopping.

After finishing I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and prepared to take a shower. Before getting in the shower she got undressed and then sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally in desperation I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed!



​

 

[RGrew176]

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

 

[RGrew176]

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"

"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."

"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try...!"

 

[RGrew176]

A state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over,
walk to the side of the truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck a few times, and then drive away.

A couple of miles down the road the driver does the same thing.

A few more miles, same thing.

The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the driver to explain. The driver says, ?Well, the load limit is ten tons, and I?m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I?ve got to keep some of them flying around.?

 

[aspeck]

A woman who is 6 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she awakes and asks her doctor about her baby:

Doctor: You had a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Your husband left your brother name the children.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Oh, that isn't so bad! What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

 

[RGrew176]

An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn?t arrive until 5 hours later.

?How is it?? he asked entering the house.

?Not so bad,? replied the home owner. ?While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.?

 

[RGrew176]

A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding."

The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?"

The man then said, "yes".

"Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.

 

[RGrew176]

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.

They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.

After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband ?now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.?

The man says; ?well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.?