Post Your Jokes Here

[Tim Frank]

After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she said. "The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said. "What we do is we'll ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"

 

[gm280]

Little Jonny was fascinated as he watched his mother apply face cream all over her face. "Mommy" he asked, "What it that stuff you are putting on your face?". "This is cold cream to make my self look beautiful" she replied, and she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" Jonny asked, "are you giving up?"

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Teacher: Well, at least there is on thing I can say about your son.
Parents: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
Parents: ummmm, OK, Thank you, I think.

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Faces with hard times, the company offer a bonus of one thousand dollars for the person that can come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a women in accounting who suggested future bonuses be limited to ten dollars.

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A fifth grade looked downcast, so the teacher decided to investigate. "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it is not homework again." "Well...yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly "I way paying and made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "Carol, your right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

 

[RGrew176]

A curious child asked his mother: ?Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray??

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: ?It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!?

The child replied innocently: ?Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.?

 

[RGrew176]

Son: Dad, I want to get married.

Father: First, tell me you're sorry.

Son: For what?

Father: Say sorry.

Son: But for what ? What did I do?

Father: Just say sorry.

Son: But...what have i done wrong ?

Father: Say sorry!

Son: WHY?

Father: Say sorry!!

Son: Please, just tell me why?

Father: Say sorry!!!

Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry!

Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!

 

[RGrew176]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?

The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.

There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?

 

[Tim Frank]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of Morpheus.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table - were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the sweet biscuit was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to one lone biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly violently smacked with a spatula by his wife......

She said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[RGrew176]

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

 

[RGrew176]

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

Then said, "We have reached your destination".

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".

The 3rd guy slapped the driver.

The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".

The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

 

[Tim Frank]

Husband down in Aisle 5

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $25 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him...

 

[RGrew176]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

 

[RGrew176]

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

[RGrew176]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

 

[RGrew176]

On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field.

The first cow said "mooo" and the second cow said "baaaaaa."

The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, "Why did you say "baaaaa?"

The second cow replied, "I am learning a foreign language."

 

[RGrew176]

A traveling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house.

The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him.

"You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?"

"Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night."

"My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?"

"Twenty-five," he replied.

 

[RGrew176]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Second violation will be a $60 fine. Third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

[RGrew176]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, "No, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.

The guy says, "Ok, I pick this room." Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "OK, coffee break?s over. Everyone back on your heads!"

 

[RGrew176]

I spotted several pairs of men?s Levi?s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. ?I?m still wearing the 33s,? he said. ?Come back next year.?

 

[RGrew176]

Paddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food. Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Paddy to go on without him.

Paddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.

Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch.

The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives.

Murphy says, ?Paddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush.?

 

[RGrew176]

Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day?

He replied, ?I just can?t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.?

 

[NewfieDan]

What is the diffence between a hippo and a zippo?

One weighs a lot, the other is a little lighter.