Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?”

The mother replied, “Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.”

Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?”

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said.

“Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?”

“They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.”

“So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.”

“Yes dear,” said the mother.

“So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

 

[RGrew176]

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish – let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a BULL.”

 

[82rude]

Well now I have to clean pasta sauce off my shirt and laptop screen,lol.

 

[RGrew176]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.

All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask.

He saw me and said: ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night!”

The married woman said: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night when my husband came home.

I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?'”

 

[RGrew176]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa.

Eventually he shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “You know what? Take the duck.”

 

[RGrew176]

Four explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water…

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board.

With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order.

Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand your menu?

The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?”

“Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to CLEAN one of those suckers?”

 

[RGrew176]

A newly wed fisherman’s wife sees her husband sleeping on the couch. Bored, she decides to take the boat on a ride around the lake. She goes forward a bit, then drops the anchor and reads a book in peace. A short while later, an officer of the coast guard appears and stops besides her.

“Good morning, ma’am, what are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book.” Answered the surprised woman. Couldn’t he see that, she thought.

“I’m afraid this is a no fishing area.” The officer notified her.

“I’m sorry officer but I’m not fishing, I’m clearly reading.”

“Yes but you can start at any second, you have all the right equipment. I’m going to have to take you to the station and fill out a complaint.”

“OK, but if you do that I will have to give my own complaint about you sexually assaulting me!”

“But..” splattered the surprised office, “I never touched you!”

“Yes that’s true,” Replied the woman, “but you can start at any second, you have all the equipment…”

 

[RGrew176]

Adam, a very good looking successful man decided that it was his birthright to marry only a perfect and equally beautiful woman so that they would produce equally beautiful offspring. To achieve his goal, Adam went out to explore the world and look for the woman who would meet his high standards and with whom he could marry.

After many months of searching on every continent, Adam came to a small farm in Switzerland and asked to stay there. The widowed farmer warmly brought Adam home and introduced him to his three daughters.
When they entered the room, Adam was astonished by their beauty … Each of the three daughters of the farmer was extraordinarily beautiful, and Adam decided that one of them would be his intended wife.

In the evening he told the farmer about his plans, and the happy father agreed that Adam would go on a date with each of his daughters to choose the one he liked best.

After meeting her first daughter, Adam approached her father and said: “She is really beautiful, but she has slightly crooked toes, it’s barely noticeable, but she is not for me.”

The father only shook his head, and the next evening Adam went out to meet his second daughter. When they returned, he told her father: “She is really beautiful but has a barely noticeable lazy eye, so she is not for me.”

On the third evening, Adam went out with the third daughter and when he returned he said to the father, “She’s perfect, she’s all I was looking for and I have to marry her right away!”

The wedding was planned quickly, and a few months later, Adam’s long-awaited firstborn was born.The new father came into the hospital room expecting to see his perfect offspring and was shocked when he saw that his child was hairy, ugly and not at all like him.

“How can it be???” he said to his father in law, standing next to him, “His mother and I are so beautiful!”

“Well,” replied the father in law, “she’s beautiful, but she was a bit pregnant when you met… really, barely noticeable…”

 

[RGrew176]

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 

[RGrew176]

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: “Don’t sell that cow”.

 

[RGrew176]

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

“I hope you don’t mind,” she says in a dreamy voice, “but I feel much luckier naked…” and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. “Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!”

The roulette wheel stops on 13. “I won I WON!!!” Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: “Did she bet on 13?”

“I don’t know,” said the other dealer. “I thought you were looking…”

Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men – are always MEN!

 

[RGrew176]

During King Solomon’s reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, “Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!”

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, “Bring him the sword.”

The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, “Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!”

King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, “The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!”

The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, “My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!”

“Right!” King Solomon replied, “This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!”

 

[RGrew176]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.”

“No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, “Hey dad, she’s plenty big enough.”

“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”

“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

“Why not?” asked the son.

“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

 

[RGrew176]

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

 

[RGrew176]

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too!”

 

[RGrew176]

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the fisherman.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The businessman asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs… I have a full life.”

The businessman interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”

“And after that?” asked the fisherman.

“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the fisherman.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the businessman.
“And after that?”

“Afterwards? Well my Friend, That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the businessman, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the fisherman.

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends.”

 

[RGrew176]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

“Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.

“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

 

[RGrew176]

There’s a Mexican, an American and a Russian man on a plane.

The Mexican says, “I hate my country!” And throws a tin of soup out the window

The American says, “I hate my country!” and throws a pie out the window.

The Russian says, “I hate my country!” And throws a bomb out the window.

The plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying and asks him “what’s wrong kid?”

The kid says, “a tin of soup fell on my mom’s head and now she’s dead.”

“I didn’t do that!” says the Mexican.

The American sees another kid crying and asks her “what’s wrong kid?”

The kid says, “my mom was driving, and a pie fell on her windshield and she drove off a cliff as she couldn’t see!”

“I didn’t do that!” says the American.

Then the Russian gets off the plane and sees a kid laughing his head off.

The Russian says, “what’s so funny?”

The kid says, “Daddy just farted and the house went BOOM!”

 

[RGrew176]

Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertaker’s to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.

The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She said to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.

His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man. He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

 

[RGrew176]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it – he was a dwarf!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’