Real Uses of Tools

bh357

Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Jun 12, 2003
Messages
471
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to find. <br /><br />Mechanics Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delievered to your front door. Also, it works particualarly well on boxes containing leather goods. <br /><br />Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel pop-rivets in their holes until the day you die. <br /><br />Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. <br /><br />Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human ennergy into a crooked, unpredicable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. <br /><br />Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. <br /><br />Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. <br /><br />Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcynles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" and 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. <br /><br />Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part your were drying. <br /><br />Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and thens throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also, removes fingerprints, callouses and impregnates strands of steel wire into your eye faster than you can say, "OUCH! SON-OF-A-BEECH!". <br /><br />Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have just installed your new front disc brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the fender. <br /><br />8 foot long Douglas Fur 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. <br /><br />Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic jack. <br /><br />Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters. <br /><br />Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically used, for as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonaise; used mainly for getting doggy-doo off your boot. <br /><br />E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times stronger than any known drill bit on face of the Earth. <br /><br />Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating oil leaks. <br /><br />2-ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. <br /><br />Craftsman 1/2" x 16" long Screwdriver: A large mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. <br /><br />Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail...just as you thought. <br /><br />Avation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw". <br /><br />Trouble Light: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a "drop light", it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Heath benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Buldge (Whatever that is. Heh.) More often dark than light, it's name is somewhat misleading. <br /><br />Phillips Screwdriver: Normally, used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name applies...to round off Phillips screw heads. <br /><br />Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travles by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield and rounds them off. <br /><br />Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you've needed to remove in order to replace a $0.50 part. <br /><br />Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2" too short.
 

NYMINUTE

Captain
Joined
Oct 6, 2003
Messages
3,298
Re: Real Uses of Tools

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<br /><br />Looks like the best description I have seen.<br /> Add: Blade Screw Driver: Used to scratch and marr all surfaces with instant results
 

tcube

Petty Officer 1st Class
Joined
Jun 18, 2001
Messages
397
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Funny, I haven't seen you hanging around my garage! :D
 

neumanns

Lieutenant Commander
Joined
Mar 1, 2003
Messages
1,926
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Ain't that the truth.<br /><br />Compound miter saw...commonly used to take a 16th inch to much off of $2.50/lf lumber.<br /><br />Router...Used to make a painstakingly fitted shelf totally usless, usally after hours of measuring and always with the last of your usable wood.
 

NYMINUTE

Captain
Joined
Oct 6, 2003
Messages
3,298
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Phillips, and Blade Screwdrivers: Used to perforate, cut, slice, and tear Automobile seats and door panels when left forgotten in your back pocket.<br />Ratchet socket release: Commonly used for disposing of annoying sockets to the depths of the unknown on automobile, boat and aircraft engines.
 

JB

Honorary Moderator Emeritus
Joined
Mar 25, 2001
Messages
45,907
Re: Real Uses of Tools

:D :D
 

kenimpzoom

Rear Admiral
Joined
Jul 13, 2002
Messages
4,807
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Man, I was laughing hard at these, so true!<br /><br />Ken
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel pop-rivets in their holes until the day you die.
<br /><br /><br />Electric Hand Drill = A device used to quickly slide a drill bit over the surface of metal so the spinning tip can enter the hand swiftly and deeply, thus extracting some high hopping and a quick run to hte bathroom for a swift application of Peroxide and a bandaid...
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Table saw...see NY's post...the quickest and easiest to become a guy called stubby!! <br /><br />Band saw...tool very closely related to Table saw...<br /><br />Butcher knife...device used to threaten unruly husbands, sometimes found buried in the bodies of those who do not listen and obey...<br /><br />Electric sander...tool used to remove rough skin from the hands of the unsuspecting user, especially the rotating vibrating type of sander, commonly called a "jitterbug"...<br /><br />Tool box...device used to supposedly store tools in while sometimes transporting them to the wrecking yard...designed to automatically open and deposit the contents onto the ground at the moment most unsuspected by the owner...<br /><br />Plumber snake...tool falsely thought to be created to be inserted into a clogged drain and to clear the contents, but in actuality is trained to be on the lookout for a spot which can catch the head of the snake and not release it, thereby letting the homeowner know that the pipes need to be dug up and repaired...the electric models of these are especially great to locate flaws int eh pipe system adn grab hold of those, especially the flaws that are at the farthest and deepest in the ground point in the pipe...
 

NYMINUTE

Captain
Joined
Oct 6, 2003
Messages
3,298
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Electric Screw Driver: Same results as regular screw driver only FASTER.<br />Level: Device used to make shelves, appliances, and framing "Close Enough" Hey this ain't Germany!
 

jtexas

Fleet Admiral
Joined
Oct 13, 2003
Messages
8,646
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Studfinder: electronic device used to pinpoint the location of water pipes in walls so they can be perforated during shelf-building projects.
 

cajun555

Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Dec 20, 2003
Messages
483
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Bench Grinder, Believe it or not, Dads finger nails are in such bad shape, thats what he uses to trim them down. Hope thats not heriditery. sp.
 

12Footer

Fleet Admiral
Joined
Mar 25, 2001
Messages
8,217
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Ricipricating saw: Used to air-out smelly werk boots, by cutting air holes in them.
 

12Footer

Fleet Admiral
Joined
Mar 25, 2001
Messages
8,217
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Chain saw: used in the manufacture of the sawdust found on bar room floors.
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Old hand drill = used to decorate the walls fo shops of guys who never do anything in there anyway:) These are available at yard and garage sales everywhere...
 

62_Kiwi

Lieutenant Junior Grade
Joined
Jan 20, 2002
Messages
1,159
Re: Real Uses of Tools

Hammer: for removal of unwanted fingernails :eek:
 
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