Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied, "That would be my husband's check book."

 

[RGrew176]

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

 

[RGrew176]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

 

[RGrew176]

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

 

[boatman37]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

This is from the Judd Nelson movie 'From the Hip'. Excellent movie. Circa 1987

 

[RGrew176]

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

 

[RGrew176]

A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time. She said they still didn?t fit. ?Well,? said the dentist, ?I?ll do it again this time, but no more. There?s no reason why these shouldn?t fit your mouth easily.?

?Who said anything about my mouth?? the woman answered. ?They don?t fit in the glass!?

 

[RGrew176]

An angel appears at a College faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.

?Done!? says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, ?Say something.?

The Dean sighs and says, ?I should have taken the money.?

 

[RGrew176]

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her.

One of the men handed over her handbag and a box. "We're required to inventory found wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything here."

As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse... and we'd like to see just HOW you do it."

 

[RGrew176]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

[RGrew176]

Wife: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."

Husband: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the wife looks down at her food.]

Husband: "What's wrong?"

Wife: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."

 

[RGrew176]

As patrons were shopping at the mall around Christmas, Bill and Fred heard a commotion coming from the area where Santa greets the children. "What do you suppose is going on?" asked Bill.

A nearby shopper told them that the new Santa Clause, an eccentric old fellow, had attached dozens of clocks, watches, and other various timepieces onto his big wide belt, circling his whole body.

"Let's go see him," said Fred. "He sounds like a nut, but it's worth checking out."

"Naw, I'm not interested," replied Bill.

"Why don't you want to see Santa with a bunch of clocks tied around his midriff?"

"I'll tell you why. It's a waist of time!"

 

[RGrew176]

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi.



The next day she bought him an electric guitar.

 

[RGrew176]

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"

"Simple," answered the lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."

The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send out the bills. Much to his surprise, there sat a bill from the lawyer.

 

[RGrew176]

My husband was trying to embarrass me at a party by carrying on about all the stuff women carry in their purses.

Instead of blushing I said, ?You?re right. There IS too much stuff in my purse.? So, I removed his wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and car keys and handed them to him.

When he asked what he was supposed to do with them, I smile and said, ?Get your own purse!?

 

[RGrew176]

There are three kinds of men in this world...

Some remain single and make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

The rest get married and wonder what happened???

 

[RGrew176]

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, ?Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.?

Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap. After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, ?How did you kill that fly all by yourself??

Between bites, she said, ?I hit it with my pickle.?

 

[RGrew176]

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"

 

[RGrew176]

Two girlfriends were talking to each other about relationships. "I put an ad in one of those singles websites looking for a boyfriend."

"What kind of guy did you say you were looking for?"

"I wanted an ambitious guy who likes to dig in to get the job done and is really down to earth. I think I found him."

"So what does he do?"

"He's a grave digger."

 

[RGrew176]

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, ?I think it?s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.?

The husband replies, ?You?re starting to sound like my ex-wife.?

His wife says, ?I thought you said you?ve never been married before??

The husband says, ?I haven?t.?