Post Your Jokes Here

[GaryKwana]

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email?
A: There are envelopes in the disk drive

 

[WIMUSKY]

RETIRING TO THE SOUTH


Florida
?A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,? he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ?What am I doing? I?m too old for this!? and pulled over to await the trooper?s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, ?Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding ? a reason I?ve never before heard ? I?ll let you go.?

The old gentleman paused then said, ?Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.?

?Have a good day, Sir,? replied the trooper.

 

[gm280]

The Doctor took John into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news". John said, "Give me the good news" The Doctor said. "They are going to name a disease after you"!

Middle age, is when your age starts to show around your middle.

As they stood in Formation at the Navel Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, "All right all you dummies, fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wondered away, one guy remained at attention. The Instructor walked over to the guy until he was eye to eye with him and raised that single eyebrow. The guy smiles and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?".

It doesn't hurt to take a long look at yourself from time to time, and this should help you get started. During a visit to an mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what was the criterion was which defined whether a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the tub". "Oh, I understand", said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it was bigger then the teaspoon and teacup". "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[RGrew176]

I went into my local wireless store looking for a solution to a problem.

"I have a horse that I can't seem to get going when I mount him," I told the customer service representative. "Nellie won't listen to my commands, and when she does start moving, it's just a slow, lazy trot."

"I have just what you need for your phone," the rep replied.

"And what would that be?"

"The latest version of the "Giddy-App!"

 

[RGrew176]

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

 

[RGrew176]

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of beer."

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes?"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!"

 

[RGrew176]

A man walks into the psychiatrist?s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, ?Doctor, what is wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, ?You are not eating properly.?

 

[RGrew176]

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

 

[RGrew176]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

[RGrew176]

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, ?The stereo is broke.?

He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.

A note was left by the thief saying, ?We?ll fix it.?

 

[RGrew176]

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

 

[RGrew176]

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

?What?s the matter son?? asked his mother.

?Aw, gee,? said the boy, ?it?s my marks. They?re all wet.?

?What do you mean, 'all wet'?? she asks.

?I mean,? he replied, ?well below C-level.?

 

[RGrew176]

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body part identification and the 'k' sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me.

?Is that my neck?? I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.

?No, that?s your chin,? he said.

He added more Play-Doh. ?Is that my neck?? I asked.

?No, that?s your other chin.?

 

[RGrew176]

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician?s office included the line item ?Behavior modification re-enforcers?.

Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician?s office to inquire,

?What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers??

?Lollipops,? was the reply.

 

[RGrew176]

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter.

She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie...

?Today?s investment will pay big dividends!?

 

[RGrew176]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

 

[RGrew176]

The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked, "About how often do jetliners like this crash?"

She thought a moment and replied, "Usually, just once."

 

[RGrew176]

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he couldn't talk because he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment."

I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was "washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife's supervision."

 

[RGrew176]

[FONT=&quot]Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa?[/FONT]

 

[RGrew176]

My family was playing a trivia board game one night. When it was my brother-in-law's turn, he rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature."

His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

He thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it on or off?"