need help with child potentially on the wrong track

[rbh]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

my ex, a weekend mom, keeps giving our son a mohawk haircut. Extra short on the sides, long on top. was doing well for 4 months, he came home looking like a clown today. I told him I don't like bullies and punks several times in the past, the two groups notorious for having mohawk type haircuts. He loves rap, thinks gangsters are thegreatest, anything good is "G" (for Gangster)

If I take my kid to a braber shop or cut hishair against his will, is that child abuse? I want him to grow up to be a decent human being, I dont think this is going into that direction, it kinda like making him him do chores or his bed, isn't it?

THe only problem: The mother is 1/8 to 1/4 native (not sure, her story keeps changing), making my son 1/8 potential native at best, but not a mohawk indian so it wouldn't be traditional anyways.

thoughts?

Well since you said that the EX is a weekend mom, I suspect you have the young man 5days out of 7?
As was mentioned are you and the EX on good terms or bad, or is she a person that does not give a dang, the biggest issue I have seen with broken families is the inability for the EX spouses to work together for the common good of the child.
Enviroment is a major issue as well, any chance of swapping schools.

 

[jtmarten]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I agree with letting kids make their own choices (most cases, depends on their age), and suffering the concequences. My 16yr old basically refuses to do/turn in homework, and is close to not being able to graduate on time. I've made it very clear I'll have no super senior living at home (next thing you know, he's one of those 35yr old losers living in the parent's basement, laying around smokin' the MJ all day). If he can't graduate on time he has two choices; drop out at 17 and get a GED, or move out at the end of his senior year, and figure out on his own how he'll finish high school. Once he gets his diploma he can move back in as long as he's in college. Yes, this would be a completely different situation if he were trying but unable to learn or do the work, but he's extremely intelligent and very lazy.
He got a serious wake-up call a couple weeks ago, he threw a tantrum and said he refuses to talk about school and grades anymore. I showed him the door. If he's old enough to make that decision, he's old enough to make it on his own. I think he got the message, he's had a miraculous attitude change since the day after!

 

[witenite0560]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

My ex would barely speak to me for years. My kids were 6, 8, 10 when we split up. A couple of things I tried to never do around them, bad mouth their mother or buy their affection/opinions. I know she did not always do the same. Kids are smart and know what's going on, even if they may not completely realize it. Kids also need parents to be parents. They are looking to you to set the rules and guide them, they need you to make the rules and stick by them. Sounds like your son is getting no guidance from the ex. She just lets him do his own thing. He'll have no respect for someone like that. Not to say he won't love her, he just won't respect her and that will cause problems later. I see nothing wrong with you sitting down and explaining to him what your rules are and , at his age, if that means walking him to the Barber shop and getting a realistic haircut, so be it. He may not like it and may whine and moan about it. But, he will learn to respect you and learn that by you being his parent and doing what's best for him, you respect him. The good or bad communication system you establish with him now will be the success or failure of his teen years. Best wishes!!

 

[avenger79]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

just a thought from my own experiences. my son was a state level wrestler, varsity soccer, and other sports, good student not great but good. well liked by most. kept himself out of trouble except for minor skirmishes, oh and he had a mohawk for sometime. he loved it for wrestling (intimidation), and when he did it up for dances, spread out and painted with school colors everyone loved it.(even I thought the thing looked pretty sharp)

the point is his hair will not make him a good or bad person. it's just hair. if you lose your mind over it though it can certainly come between the two of you.

 

[Slide]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

He's at the age where he wants to be taken more seriously. I say you treat him like an adult in this situation; explain to him clearly what you feel and why you feel it, making sure you aren't attacking him or his choices. We all remember that stage of growing up where we're so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to see anyone else's perspective. I also strongly agree with everyone who's said to spend more time with him. A lot of dads never stop trying to be "the boss". A great dad is the one who makes the transition from "the boss" for a young kid to the best friend of an adult son. Now is the time to begin that process, and he'll respect the hell out of you for it.

 

[rogerwa]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Man this type of situation is tough. I am trying to raise my 4 kids and my wife and I are together and on the same page. It can be so draining.. I can only imagine how hard it is..

But one thing I do know is that they work hard to poke you in the eye, but deep down where they never show, they appreciate and seek your guuidance.

I have recently transitioned from giving guidance and then enforcing that guidance to giving the guidance and letting them choose to follow it. I can't be everywhere my daughter goes or be able to ensure she does not partcipate in unbecomming behavior. All I can do is set the expectation and trust them that they are following it. If they want to break the rules they will. I think the important part is them knowing the expectation is there and your dispappontment if they were to stray.

My household on ny given day has all of its disarray and conflict exposed for all to see if we have visitors and sadly one of my duaghters friends comes over to have dinner with us because that is missing from her life. She comes from money, her mother travels, she doesn't hear from her father, and she desires the "warmth" of the family.

Set expectations
Treat his mother with respect
let him make choices and learn from them
Volunteer for Loaves and Fishes - feeding meals to homeless - he will learn humility

 

[SigSaurP229]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Tough situation. Hair is not going to make him a bad kid, music and speech aren't going to make him a bad kid, the problem with the hair music and speech comes later in life when looking for a job. I have discriminated many times in hiring people with punk hair cuts, and lack of professional speech. The problem at this point is the lying.

Its time for a good heart to heart and a good fishing trip.

Ask him how comfortable he is living with his mom full time?

Is he ok with not being able to see you and does he really care about you?

Tell him this is the path his choices are taking him down.

I believe that there are consequences for every action and that for this some HARD manual labor is in order. He is 12 time for him to start earning some money those rap CD's and Ipods and Computers TVs belong to you and if he wants them he needs to work for them.

At 12 I was mowing lawns and earning money.

 

[mickjetblue]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I'd second the camping/hiking/fishing activities, whenever you can.

Also, baseball games, and maybe even him playing baseball.
Cub scouts, boy scouts, and will even say church activities.

Sounds like you will have an ongoing tug-of-war with the ex always
interfering negatively, so you need wholesome activities for his
foundation to build on. Your role model will help.

Good luck!

 

[bruceb58]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

The hair is the least of your problems. Let him cut/color his hair anyway he wants. Hair will grow out!

Pick your battles. The hair shouldn't be one of them.

 

[Woodonglass]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I USED to be that KID!!! Turned out to be a dope smoking hippie!!! Didn't listen to anyone. My Mom was my FRIEND!!!
Yeah RIGHT! She shoulda knocked my block off. I thought LOOKING different was KOOL. Now I spend LOTS of my spare time going to PRISONS in 3 states talking to NEW OFFENDERS about how your LOOKS, YOUR DRESS, YOUR ATTITUDE... IT ALL makes a difference. Guess what THEY ALL AGREE!!! NUMBER ONE thing they all say... No discipline in their upbringing. Parents were Scared of them. DHS and all the other liberal Assoc. have us scared to be PARENTS.

Bottom line If you look like SH** You'll Draw FLIES!!!!!

Respect, Honor, Values, Morals That's what we as parents are supposed to teach. For themselves as well as for others. You don't teach that by being their FRIEND.

Mamby Pamby, I wanna be your Friend is NOT Parenting. This kid is looking for LEADERSHIP and DISCIPLINE and he is not finding it. Get him a decent hair cut, Be a leader, Set and example, and DEMAND that he follow it. Be Consistent. Don't give in. Love HIM!!!


But... That is just MY OPINION!!!

 

[Philip_G]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

The hair is the least of your problems. Let him cut/color his hair anyway he wants. Hair will grow out!

Pick your battles. The hair shouldn't be one of them.

Agreed.
Trust the devil you know. Crack down on the hair and how will he rebel next?

 

[rjlipscomb]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

For what its worth I agree with the take him fishing or some other activity that you both enjoy and just talk to him. Tell him how you feel about it and attempt to explain to him that while you know they kind of person he is, any people that he will meet will judge him based on his appearance. Like it or not that is the world we live in. Then put your trust in him and let him make his own decisions, within reason of course.

Sorry, good advice and bad advice...
Get involved with him any way you can. MAKE it happen whether he wants to or not. Don't put your trust in him to make the right choices in life.
I am currently dealing with many many problems from my wife's son. I tried the talking, coaching and trying to be there approach while letting him decide. I treated him like a mature young man who could make good decisions. Oh, was I wrong. He dropped out of high school, against my objections. In and out of rehab, never met a drug he wouldn't try. Many wrecked cars. Etc... I regret allowing him to choose the "right" thing. He let his friends choose for him, they all ended up bottom feeder losers. We are fighting hard now to save him from a life of jail or janitor's jobs (no offense intended to janitor's, it's a tough job).
I believe when they rebel, they're screaming for help or someone to take control of their life. Just my opinion.

 

[kei9th]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

i was the kid that you have. i had a mowhawk, i had different colored hair, i did a lot of drugs, got in a lot of (harmless) trouble. i still like to get really twisted every now and again. my dad only required us to at least get a high school diploma. my mom didn't seem to really care what we were doing, so we spent our time with her. my dad would see me with the hair, and the piercings, now tattoos. people treated me like one of those dumb, baggy clothes wearing kids that are a waste of space and time. i was one of those kids except, i worked. i worked hard and every employer saw it. ive been at the same place now for 11 years. i have a good family with a 3 year old son and a loving wife. i was rebellious but i was really smart. i had to be given my space to do as i pleased. the hair is not the issue. i think maybe your worried this will turn your son into the stereotypical teenage loser. i didnt have much guidance and learned alot from doing it myself, but i graduated high school. i missed 63 days my senior year because i worked in a factory from 330pm to 330am. i graduated by doing what i had to do to finish high school. only finished because i could not face my father as a loser. i was sorta kicked out of senior English so i could be in the advanced class. ( turns out im pretty dam smart, something like read once remember forever) your kid is fine let the hair deal go. i turned out as a fine adult well rounded in the world, and i didnt have the support of a father that was as caring or as worried as you are now. or you can put a boot up his backside and tell him its your way, no highway option.