need help with child potentially on the wrong track

[bandit86]

my ex, a weekend mom, keeps giving our son a mohawk haircut. Extra short on the sides, long on top. was doing well for 4 months, he came home looking like a clown today. I told him I don't like bullies and punks several times in the past, the two groups notorious for having mohawk type haircuts. He loves rap, thinks gangsters are thegreatest, anything good is "G" (for Gangster)

If I take my kid to a braber shop or cut hishair against his will, is that child abuse? I want him to grow up to be a decent human being, I dont think this is going into that direction, it kinda like making him him do chores or his bed, isn't it?

THe only problem: The mother is 1/8 to 1/4 native (not sure, her story keeps changing), making my son 1/8 potential native at best, but not a mohawk indian so it wouldn't be traditional anyways.

thoughts?

 

[produceguy]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

You are this boys father, correct.
If you say short hair then darn it, it's short hair.

Sounds like you guys need to go fishin and talk about things.

 

[scipper77]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Your kid was a decent human being, now he is a teenager, and one day he will be an even more decent human being. It's the most painful thing in the world watching teenagers self destruct just so that they can figure it out for themselves.

If I was to give any advice it would be give him respect even though he likely will not show you much. Don't go overboard with trying to make him do what you need him to do (I.E. the abuse comment).

Good luck

 

[bandit86]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

at one point in time the mother or her boyfrined beat him, leftbruises on him, and made him tell thje teacher I did it. I cleared myself with a poligraph when the authorities became involved, but somehow they both got away. Since then he has been telling lies here and there, not outrageous but I want to nip it in the butt before it does get out of hand,and I want to steer him somehow on the right track, without screwing up or steerign him wrong, or getting children's services involved...

 

[paultjohnson]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Tough call... As much as I would like to respect my kids right to his or her individuality. If I was an employer and some kid came in w a mohawk. And maybe the tatts and the baggy clothes I would very well UNJUSTLY stereotype them to no way do I want that image representing my company. I am sorry to those w mohawks, tatts and baggies if I offended any one with my honest opinion. But it is just MY OPINION right or wrong. I am 49 yrs old and no angel. i am currently self employed, self promoting my self, doing work like painting carpet work etc in a retirement community. My son is a 30yr old Gangsta with the tatts on his neck punk *** clothes and car w the rims and tinted windows. He wants to do these jobs with me. I dont want that image ANY WHERE near that place, or associated with me. I go clean cut all the way. But thats just me.....

 

[Smuggler's Blues]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

For what its worth I agree with the take him fishing or some other activity that you both enjoy and just talk to him. Tell him how you feel about it and attempt to explain to him that while you know they kind of person he is, any people that he will meet will judge him based on his appearance. Like it or not that is the world we live in. Then put your trust in him and let him make his own decisions, within reason of course.

 

[JB]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

How old is he?

If he is past puberty it is too late for you to influence him further. He is now influenced by his peers.

Every generation finds some way(s) to prove to their parents' generation that they can do as they please as far as dress and grooming is concerned. Said proof is not valid unless they shock and offend.

Your best bet to not cause any further rebellion is to treat him and his ideas with respect and trust. The more he feels that you are trying to control him the greater the risk that he will rebel by proving that he is in control. That would be when you are both in real trouble.

 

[Woodnaut]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I've always had my best results with my daughter with love and patience. The same applies to dealing with my wife. Every time I lose my patience I make a mess of things.

 

[produceguy]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I kinda look at it like, I'm responsible for the way my kids look, dress, talk, how much they learn, good and bad and right from wrong but to me one of the most important things I can teach them is how to respect people and that respect is earned not given.

They might not like that I don't let them do whatever they want but I'm ok with that because I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'll explain why I do what I do and someday,hopefully they will understand.
Good luck.

 

[bandit86]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

He is 12, 13 in August

 

[produceguy]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

You got time to mold him my friend, but do it fast.

 

[roscoe]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

2 choices.

Take him to the NW territories, spend a week with him, teach him how, then leave him on his own to get back home.

Or, drop him off in east Los Angeles for a couple days. See if he still likes G.

 

[marine4003]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Im no child psychologist but consider the reality,his parents are split up, he's pre teen(confused) so whats he get..a mom who lets him get away with anything he wants,and he does it to **** you off. want him to change? gain his respect.how? treat him like a person not a kid.let him make the right decisions give him self respect. do things with him, talk to him. let him make the decision Mohawk's and gangster crap isn't cool,right now he's scared and hurt, be a role model, telling him to cut his hair,telling him not to be gangster will only make him embrace it.fishing or any other activity HE likes is a great start,figure out his hobby's or anything else he enjoys then become involved..Good Luck Amigo, and remember..your kids are the most important thing in your life!!

 

[JB]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

I like what marine 4003 says. I would add, or modify, one thing: Listen to him. He will do that (talk about his feelings) only if he expects his thoughts to be respected. That is most critical at this age.

 

[LippCJ7]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Tough situation, I am a hardass like my father but I was the weekend father in my situation, but I supported my idiot exwife at every turn, in the end my children chose to come live with me when they were 15-13, not the same situation I know but I agree with 4003 and JB in yours, listen, become his idol, his mentor, his best friend but at the same time demand better of him by demanding better of you, try to guide him to self imposed goals and even though its tough try not to bash his mom as much as possible, in time he will hopefully figure it out on his own by seeing his father lead by example.

The Mohawk, I'm ok with it until he hits High School then he has to be guided to the next part of his life and its time to start thinking that way so while he will be pressuring you to allow it, I think as he gets older he will grow out of it but I would definitely give him a date when it leaves.

 

[lncoop]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Sounds like the little guy is confused and is struggling to find an identity. That struggle is endemic to early adolescence, and in his case is made even more difficult by the divorce and his mother's refusal or inability (or combination of both) to be an adequate parent. I've been watching my nephew on the admiral's side of the family struggle with the same issues due to a similar situation (he's about to turn twelve), except unlike your son, his father is just as selfish, irresponsible and unstable as his mother. He's being raised by my in laws with the occasional extended visit to wherever his mother might be staying at any given moment.

I think the most important thing you can do is what you're already doing. What kids need more than anything is unconditional love and stability (in that order), which you're clearly doing your best to provide. Spending time together and trying to find common ground will be good for both of you. If you can swing it I would strongly encourage you to get him some kind of counseling if you haven't already. Kids will often provide an objective third party with insights they conceal from their parents, and a skilled counselor will know how to use that to everyone's benefit. If you're not involved in church you should be. I won't preach to you, but I will tell you that he would benefit from inclusion in a good church youth group. There will be ill behaved kids there just like there are everywhere else, but there will also be kids who will positively influence him and teach him, perhaps unknowingly, that there are better ways for a kid his age to find himself.

Finally, I wouldn't worry too much about the mohawk and other outward manifestations of rebellious youth. We've all done silly things like that, and hopefully (and most likely) he'll grow out of it. Regarding his mother; he's got her number, or soon will. That doesn't mean he'll ever stop craving her love and approval, she's his mom after all, but as she continues to pull stunts he'll get wise to her if he hasn't already. You may never notice, but I promise he will. I've seen it happen. Just prove by example that you're the one he can always count on no matter what and he'll get it together and learn to make good decisions on his own, which of course is the point of parenting. Good luck. I'll be praying for you guys.

 

[tswiczko]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Yeah, that sounds like a kid..there are good ways and bad ways to aproach this I think marine4003, Lipp, and JB are on the right track.

Having experienced the beat it into them from the kids point, it is not the way to go, But my father didn't have all the resources we have today, and I didn't turn out all that bad.

I'll never forget when my oldest was 14 and came home with a fluorscent green mohawk.

Remember to take lots of pictures. Not only will they help you show him how he has changed, but you can also use them as leverage when he gets older and threaten to show them to his significant other.

All situations are different and what works in one doesn't mean it will work for another. I set down ground rules with my kids they weren't just my rules they were agreed upon by both of us. If they wanted to play video games for 3 hours a day I wanted 3 hours of work whether it was doing home work, dishes, or just keeping their room clean. Occasionally I woud have them help me do things they didn't want to do(like re-roofing the house, cleaning the gutters) but made compensations for it financial or otherwise(letting them go for a couple days with out chores), If they done their best to follow the rules I tried hard to do things they were interested in(not that teens want their parents doing things with them) and is necessary to their development. They also need to learn to earn something not just expect it to be given to them. A lot of the self entitlement issues younger generations have today is from not seeing how friendships, respect and even material things are earned not just given, love is given unconditionaly, the rest is earned.

good luck..PS Don't wory the hair will probably grow back no matter what he does to it.

 

[aspeck]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Being a parent in a split family is always tough. The tendency is to either be too strict, or over-indulge to win the childs favor and friendship. Well, guess what, you are his parent and he needs a parent, first and foremost.

That said, you need to pick your battles. As been mentioned already, he is getting to the age where he wants independence, to make his own decisions, to spread his wings. But that has to be earned and his decisions need to be guided, by a parent. I agree with the not talking badly about his mother. Can the two of you talk, or is that a problem? If you can talk, you need to both get on the same page, if at all possible.

Your son needs your time and attention more than anything. Discuss his choices, make sure he understands that right or wrong, he will be judged by the choices he makes, and as his father you have the right to be concerned and to help guide him to the right decisions. It is said, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." He needs to understand that hair and clothing do not make a person, it is what is inside that counts, but what is outside is what is judged.

Good luck, and be understanding, be compassionate, be loving, and be strong ... be a Dad (which is WAY more important than being a friend).

 

[robert graham]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Sounds like the kid's got a lot to deal with. My suggestion to sorta break the cycle of disfunction would be to plan about a week's boating trip/primitive camping/fishing/hunting/whatever, down some isolated river. Sitting around the campfire at night, dealing with survival, might give the young fellow a new perspective. Even if it doesn't immediately appear to have an effect, believe me, he'll think about it. My son and I did a canoe trip the entire length of the Suwannee River from Okefenokee Swamp to the Gulf of Mexico(241 miles), about 7 days worth. It's hard for a boy to think about being a punk when he's out in the wilderness somewhere. It's a good thing!

 

[lncoop]

Re: need help with child potentially on the wrong track

Reading these responses reminds me why I spend so much time on iboats.