Woman and Money

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

^^^^^^+1...Very wise man at 23 years old!

 

[Pony]

Re: Woman and Money

I make about 3x as much as my wife as well. We lived with each other for 4 years before getting married, and never really talked about financed. We split most things 50/50, but I would buy most of the food, dinners when we go out, and anything extra (non bills). The pre-marriage counseling we went through with our church didn't really teach me anything that I didn't already assume about finances during marriage.

After the wedding, we combined everything into one checking and savings account. It is really funny to me that now she wants to spend less on groceries and fun stuff than when I was paying for it out of a personal account. Even though most of the money in the account is from me, it is still OURS. I don't make any big purchases without discussing it with her, but for the most part she trusts my judgement. It really doesn't matter to me either way......we love each other, and the money is just money. It is important....but not the most important thing. I don't care if most of the money is "mine"......I see it as "ours" now anyway.

I like to think I have been pretty smart with my money. I am 27, have owned my own home since I was 23, and am a happily married man......

 

[ngt]

Re: Woman and Money

I am going to give a plus 1 to the "it depends on the people involved".

If you never have to look at the books, because you just have that much money, then I'd guess it's not something that matters. I don't think we'll ever have that type of situation.

I like things separate. It's just simpler that way.

 

[ajgraz]

Re: Woman and Money

I do keep my own account, but I keep just enough of my post-401k take-home pay to buy gas for my car and a little fun money each month for fishing, taking the kids out for a treat, etc.; the other 90% (plus all bonuses, tax returns, etc., etc.) goes to her and she does all the bills, mortgage, shopping, saving for vacations and household needs, etc. She makes all the decisions as to whether we really need: extended cable, that magazine subscription, etc., etc. She works on and off to make a little extra, but mostly has been a stay-at-home mom. If I really want something extravagant (e.g., my boat), I have to make a case for her to give me the money. This has worked well for us for 18 years.

As for a pre-nup, we were both worse than broke when we got married, so it never even crossed our minds. Neither of us has extravagant tastes or is particularly high-maintenance, so I see this continuing to work out a good long time.

 

[mscher]

Re: Woman and Money

"I want her to push herself to do the best she can, money can be a big motivater. Am I wrong for thinking this way. I give into a lot of things, though this is something I would stick to my guns about."


IMO, keeping track on who does what work (and the corresponding value), my money, my spending, your money, your spending, can be the beginning of the end for marriage.

If she likes Social work, she'll likely never make a lot of money at it. So what?

Eventually you will be fighting over money, regardless of how much you both make and how it is divvied up.

Kid's are a huge money pit, so who pays?

Marriage is about giving blood - and then giving some more blood. Don't brag (or complain) about how much blood you gave, because nobody cares.

It's not a financial, or career scoreboard.

It's you, your wife and kids, making a life together.

Good luck.

 

[rivermouse]

Re: Woman and Money

LIKE ladyfish we put it all into the same pot and then pay the bills. We share what is left over. Been married 33 years .

 

[sam60]

Re: Woman and Money

P.s. We have always had one checkimg account. We both deposit our checks and whatever we have left we discuss what we will do with it i.e spend, save, etc.

You have to keep in mind, love is unconditional. Comparing income or who pays what seems petty to me and we've been married 33 years. The only stress or discussion we ever had over finances is not having enough of it at times.

^....^ That's the only way it worked for us, ya can't have your money and my money in a husband and wife relationship. Work for a common goal with your combined earnings and move forward.

 

[ngt]

Re: Woman and Money

^....^ That's the only way it worked for us, ya can't have your money and my money in a husband and wife relationship. Work for a common goal with your combined earnings and move forward.

maybe you can't, but not everyone is the same.

 

[sam60]

Re: Woman and Money

maybe you can't, but not everyone is the same.

I'm with you then I guess. All people and situations are different. Just how it has worked for us for 33 together and 31 married.

I'm in my shoes and not others. Either way, best of luck to OP!!

 

[ngt]

Re: Woman and Money

I'm with you then I guess. All people and situations are different. Just how it has worked for us for 33 together and 31 married.

I'm in my shoes and not others. Either way, best of luck to OP!!

31 years married is awesome! My folks just had their 40th. They put their money together too, but I still think it has to do with the people. This is going to sound bad, and don't get me wrong as my wife is the 2nd most important thing in my life, only behind my son, but she's irresponsible with money and very bad at thinking ahead and budgeting. I've only been married for 2 years, but I've been with her for 14 and we've lived together for 8. I know her better than anyone in the world. She's an amazing mom and wife, but I'm not putting the roof over my son's head in her hands, because we'd end up living in my car or moving in with my parents. lol. Keeping our money separate is the responsible thing to do.

 

[BonairII]

Re: Woman and Money

a pre nup will only show her how much you don't trust her.

People can(and many times DO change). A prenup just protects the parties, if one(or both) of them change, or want "out".

Would you lend a friend or family member a huge amount of money(that could break you if it wasn't paid back in a timely fashion) without some kind of contract? A failed marriage can financially cripple the parties involved...and in most cases, it's the man that is stuck paying a huge price.

A prenup can save your future and ensure that both parties get what they DESERVE.

 

[salty87]

Re: Woman and Money

i don't think it matters so much whether there are 2 single accts at the bank or 1 joint acct. it's the attitude behind that decision. do you consider what's in the accounts as shared and available to either spouse or is what you've deposited 'yours' vs 'hers'. lots of sub-decisions along with it. do you both feel obligated to discuss large purchases before making them...are those purchases yours vs hers.

my boat became our boat when we got married, both legally and in my mind. it's not a fishing rig though. i don't think the mrs. wants part of one those but i do let her know that it's ours...including the expenses! lol

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

Unless you have a lot of assets, (property, stocks, money in the bank) a pre nup will only show her how much you don't trust her.

There is no need for a prenup unless you already have assets. That was my point before. Get everything in writing to establish who came in with what(including debts) entering marriage. It has nothing to do with trust. It just establishes a baseline. I really don't see how doing this is a bad thing.

 

[BonairII]

Re: Woman and Money

There is no need for a prenup unless you already have assets.

I have to disagree here.

Prenups routinely outline what monies each party is entitled to if the marriage dissolves. Often we hear of celebrity prenups, where the non-celebrity spouse gets a predetermined amount for each year of marriage. The non-celebrity spouse doesn't instantly get 1/2 of the mega-salaries that the celebrity spouse is paid each year.
In "average joe" marriages, a prenup is much more important because the money involved can make/break the individuals involved.

IMO...if one spouse makes 5 times more than the other and is paying the lion share of the bills....that spouse should get 5 times more in the divorce settlement.

Too many people who are "in love", dive into a marriage(without a prenup) thinking it will last forever...and then lose most of their "stuff" and a ton of future income(including their pensions). Many of these people had great careers etc BEFORE the marriage, yet these things become "fair game" when the divorce settlement is done.

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

I have to disagree here.

You are talking about 0.001% of the poulation. New York where you are from and California where I am from are community property states. All assets acquired during the marriage are 50/50. A lot of prenups in our states won't be held valid if they go against those laws. Likewise, with spousal/child support, which is calculated with a computer program, typically dissomaster.

Pensions are split up at divorce taking into account how long married and how long not married. I take it you have never heard of a QDRO.

For 99.9% of couples getting married, a prenup is for assets already held going into the marriage. You are not going to be able to control support, either child or spousal, through a prenup.

 

[projo198]

Re: Woman and Money

PRENUP!!!!!

I know it is a hard pill to swallow but TRUST ME YOU WANT THIS. It will be an akward conversation, but if you guys are already going to pre-marriage counseling then that would be a great forum in which to start talking about it.

People change, and TRUST ME in divorce THE GUY ALWAYS LOSES. I am not saying your fiance will do this, but in general a women could go to divorce court and openly admit to cheating, drug use, bank robbery, whatever... and the court will STILL assess you with maintenance because you make more. Throwing kids in the mix makes it EVEN WORSE.

I am a bit jaded here, but to me maintenance just means I have to pay you more money after the separation because I am no longer giving you the extra money I was while you were leaching off me IN marriage. Granted; if she is a stay at home mom, didn't have a career due to physical reasons or maybe only did pro-bono work... something like that.. I can understand. But her CAREER and the MARRIAGE are two different things. YOU as an individual are as successful at work as YOU MAKE YOURSELF. Why should anyone have to pay you the difference if you split?

Think of it this way; if she is as dedicated to the marriage as you are then neither of you should have any qualms signing an agreement.

This is from experience buddy.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Woman and Money

If I may make one observation here ...

There appears to be 2 camps on this issue. One camp says pre-nup, keep everything seperate, etc. The other camp says no to the pre-nup, needs to be based on trust, community possessions, money, etc (whether that is one account or 7, both know what the other is doing and feel all should be open and transparent).

Hope I didn't read any more or less into either camp, but they are pretty opposed to each other. Now look at the relationships of the 2 groups. Most in the first come from broken marriages and have been burned or stung. Most in the second group have had longer and apparently successful marriages.

The question is, which fact drives the other ... a successful marriage breeds the trust and desire to keep things in common. Of the keeping of things in common breeds a successful marriage? And vice-versa for the other camp.

Just something to think about ...

 

[projo198]

Re: Woman and Money

If I may make one observation here ...

There appears to be 2 camps on this issue. One camp says pre-nup, keep everything seperate, etc. The other camp says no to the pre-nup, needs to be based on trust, community possessions, money, etc (whether that is one account or 7, both know what the other is doing and feel all should be open and transparent).

Hope I didn't read any more or less into either camp, but they are pretty opposed to each other. Now look at the relationships of the 2 groups. Most in the first come from broken marriages and have been burned or stung. Most in the second group have had longer and apparently successful marriages.

The question is, which fact drives the other ... a successful marriage breeds the trust and desire to keep things in common. Of the keeping of things in common breeds a successful marriage? And vice-versa for the other camp.

Just something to think about ...

Good points. I agree us "stung" people have a different opinion to those that are successful. I stand by my beliefs that all that aside women fair better in court than men do.

I think aside from marriage practices each individual's beliefs and convictions are what determine the success of a marriage. I'm going to be honest; I messed up my first marriage and I paid in the end. But as I just said, we are both pretty good people and still talk a lot. She is even friends with my current wife, and we all hang out ocassionally.

People are different. Prenups are like insurance. Just because you have an agreement for POST-marriage doesn't mean you have to operate under the same tempo DURING the marriage. I would say that individually obtained assets (houses, businesses, vehicles) should stay as such. Anything obtained AFTER marriage or converged the same is a different story.

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

If I may make one observation here ...

There appears to be 2 camps on this issue. One camp says pre-nup, keep everything seperate, etc. The other camp says no to the pre-nup, needs to be based on trust, community possessions, money, etc (whether that is one account or 7, both know what the other is doing and feel all should be open and transparent).

The question is, which fact drives the other ... a successful marriage breeds the trust and desire to keep things in common. Of the keeping of things in common breeds a successful marriage? And vice-versa for the other camp.

I had a feeling this would be brought up. Not sure if there is a cause effect

I tried the the no pre-nup, joint account, based on trust. Guess what? It didn't work out too well! Switched camps. Obviously being in the camp that you say breeds trust and a sucessful marriage doesn't necessarily work. I have many friends that experienced the exact same thing as me so I am not alone.