Woman and Money

[LadyFish]

Re: Woman and Money

P.s. We have always had one checkimg account. We both deposit our checks and whatever we have left we discuss what we will do with it i.e spend, save, etc.

You have to keep in mind, love is unconditional. Comparing income or who pays what seems petty to me and we've been married 33 years. The only stress or discussion we ever had over finances is not having enough of it at times.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Woman and Money

Woman and Money brought Ladyfish out of the woodwork! LOL!

Ladyfish is spot on. I tell young couples that want to get married that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, it is a 100% proposition with both parties giving 100%. However, what the other does or does not do has no bearing on what you do ... it needs to always be 100%.

 

[hostage]

Re: Woman and Money

I am more of a person that does things out of logic and wisdom. I generally make the right choice, when it comes to big things. I use to own a business and I know how things can go badly if people go into an arrangement with completely different ideas, but both thinking that you agree. Again we never had any issues in the way things that go, though the people that have lectured us on it have issues. It feels like the pot calling the mirror black. With high divorce rate, I just want to make sure we cover all our bases. As "logical" as I try to be, I do love her. While some things work for some people, many things don't for others and the divorce rate is proof of that and something I want to avoid.

The main reasons I want to marry her is to have kids, love, and for the companionship. We compliment each other greatly and we respect each other and I think better people because of each other. She is very keen on fine details, very observant, and can be a little anxious. I look at the big picture, a little oblivious and laid back.

We do have a joint account, though that account has $10 in it and is only there for a technicality for health insurance. I pay the mortgage out of my personal account and she has never nor have I asked her to pay anything to the mortgage. She did ask to help contribute so I let her pay a lot of the small bills. We both have car loans, she has student loans, and I have the mortgage in my name. No kids either.

I spoke to her about this a little yesterday and she wasn't confrontational about this as the other women that brought it up were. I just didn't want her to get any ideas from them I guess lol. She did ask about the single filing of tax returns. I would have no issue splitting that 50/50 or putting it into a vacation fund, etc. Also if she decides to be a stay at home mom, I would split things 50/50, though I would be a little upset that she spent $20-40k on her masters, just not to use it. So I would rather have her work than be a stay at home mom.

I guess a big difference with me than most other guys I know I am a lot more active on work around the house and I would be a lot more active in my child's development than most other fathers I see and know. We do most of the chores together and split the work evenly. Though I do the mowing and string trimming w/ a push mower exclusively. She does the laundry, though a lot of the time I hang up my own clothes. She does nag me about chores sometimes, though that is more of her being OCD. She also admits that a lot of modern men don't get enough credit for the work they do around the house.

Last night I:
Took dog to obedient school
Picked up dog and cat chow at the store
Fed the animals
watered the plants
unloaded the dish washer/loaded it w/ some dirty dishes
took out trash and recycling
(She works on Monday nights)

Her biggest financial concern right now is her student loan she is applying for her Masters. As it is an unsubsidized loan, she will start incurring interest on it as soon as she starts college. So we need to figure out how much we can pay down to avoid the interest. I am fully committed to help her pay for most/if not all of here masters.

I guess my biggest concern is her mind starting to think like some of the women who oddly enough bring it up. The thing that bugged me was this friend of ours had an argument over finances w/ her husband over the phone. They both live in two different states are married, both have poor paying jobs that require PHD's. Then she had the tenacity to start lecturing me on how I should do finances. Sometimes I can't stand people that have more education than wisdom.

-Hostage

 

[Maclin]

Re: Woman and Money

It is my considered opinion after reading your concerns that they represent a certain level of immaturity around the subject and that you are not ready, or you need to be totally ready to learn on the job so to speak.

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

As someone who went through a divorce, I believe in theory it is possible to put your head in the sand and go into marriage thinking everything is going to be fine and dandy. Unfortunately, reality is that 50% of the time that won't work.

Previous posters are saying that going into a marriage with the preconceived notion that there is a possibility a marriage will fail, ie prenup, will doom the marriage. Problem is, that it may possibly fail anyway.

When I got divorced, my ex got a good chunk of the equity in my house and went after other houses I owned before we were married. She was going to get alimony even though she made over $80K/year. Even though she had ZERO dollars going into our marriage, she got half of our joint checking account because I was stupid enough to trust her and comingle our funds.

She spent money like it was going out of style. After we were married I found out she had previously gone through a bankruptcy. We never saved any money while we were married but once we were divorced, I was able to save over $30K/year. Surprisingly, it wasn't finances that ended our marriage but eventually they may have.

Surprise surprise...I will never get married again, but if I did, there would be a prenup, a combination of seperate and joint accounts, and no head in sand.

 

[BuzzStPoint]

Re: Woman and Money

If you love her, Pick her up and carry her.
If you don't, set her down and let her go.

Money will always be a struggle. The question is. How important is the money to you? More important then her?
Unless you have a lot of assets, (property, stocks, money in the bank) a pre nup will only show her how much you don't trust her.

 

[ngt]

Re: Woman and Money

My wife and I have separate money/bank accounts. Before she had the baby, she pitched in about $700 per month, which wasn't near half, but I make double what she did. Our monthly bills hit about $3200 per month with everything. I make about $3600 per month. But, I don't do laundry, the house is clean, she gets up at night with the baby, dinner is made, etc etc..I do all of the outside stuff. Lawns, hedges, trees, etc. When she was pitching in, we both had about $500 that we could stick away after all of our bills were paid, and that was cool with me. I do most of the outside stuff. Lawns, As long as that part is about even, I don't care about how much either of us puts in. If she was banking more than I was and I was paying 3-4 times what she was, then we'd sit down and have a talk.

 

[rbh]

Re: Woman and Money

Sometimes I do great, all the time she does good.

I think she's winning the race.

 

[jkust]

Re: Woman and Money

Keeping seperate accounts, paying for things seperate, hiding details about income,you pay the morgage, I pay the car payment, to me is as the Brits, say rubish. Thats a half of a committment and a cop out to me. If you can't park your money in a big pile and come to an agreement on how to spend and save it you will be in the 50% of divorces unless you are an outlier. I've seen this countless times over the years as i'm sure many have. One of the big reasons my wife and I have been married as long as we have in the era of everybody we know has been divorced is our agreement on money and consevatism where it is concerned.

 

[hostage]

Re: Woman and Money

It is interesting to see how many people's opinions vary in their idea of marriage, the roles, responsibility and assumptions. That makes it even more important to make sure we are on the same page about the idea of marriage.

I would rather us be on the same page, before we go into this, instead of dragging a kids through a divorce that we see happen all the time. Discussion and debate is a good thing, attacking a person is a bad thing. I would rather learn from others' mistakes than repeat them myself. I have had 9 years of experience in this relationship, though 0 in marriage.

 

[Maclin]

Re: Woman and Money

I am not sure if you were aiming at my last post, but being blunt is not an attack, just saves time and mental energy, I apologize if that was offensive. You posted in a hugely public forum, so expect some "help". I think currently you have unrealistic expectations of the marriage. Now, from Mr. Cynical on my left shoulder, Just wait until the rings are on, and see what changes in both sets of behaviors. You will not know until then. Kind of like cryptic prophesy, it does not make sense until sometime after the predicted event happens.

I do hope it goes well, and it could because both of you do have a lot of time to work on things until next May.

 

[fireman57]

Re: Woman and Money

I have been married the sweetest, hottest, and most loving woman in the states for almost 30 years. She quit her job to stay at home, mostly at my insistence, and raise our 4 kids. When they got in school then she went back to work. One of us was always home within an hour of them getting off the bus. Until then the oldest knew what was expected of him and the others and there was no trouble at all. Julie says that this was the most rewarding job she ever had. Sure, we didn't have much money at all but the kids for the most part turned out great and they have fond memories of having a parent there all the time.
You say that you would be a more hands on and spending time with your children yet you won't take time to train your own dog? This to me smacks of a kid that is going to be in daycare 5 days a week and only sees his parents when they are yelling at him to get up and get dressed, then shuffled off for someone else to care for and teach that day until he is picked up, shuffled back home, fed, and then it is time for himto go to bed again without ever spending real time with either parent.
I know this is off the subject but I believe most of the problems with kids now my generation caused by having someone else raise them Two parent paychecks aren't really necessities but the reality now because everyone has to have a big new house, new car every two years, and all the frills that they desire. At least in their minds that is what they feel is important. I will now get off my soapbox so the regular programming can continue.

 

[jkust]

Re: Woman and Money

I know this is off the subject but I believe most of the problems with kids now my generation caused by having someone else raise them Two parent paychecks aren't really necessities but the reality now because everyone has to have a big new house, new car every two years, and all the frills that they desire. At least in their minds that is what they feel is important. I will now get off my soapbox so the regular programming can continue.

I think those fall under the platitude heading. There's too many variables to judge everybody. Even an old, crappy, small house is expensive in certain regions. Of course nobody made them live in the expensive area. I say that not defending as my wife has been at home running her business since our 7 year old was born just to raise the kids at home. Now I can judge and say if your wife isn't earning 200k yearly while raising all the kids, that is a problem. It's not fair because everyone isn't as resourseful or as intelligent as my wife.

 

[ngt]

Re: Woman and Money

Keeping separate accounts, paying for things separate, hiding details about income,you pay the mortgage, I pay the car payment, to me is as the Brits, say rubish.

We don't hide details about income. We know exactly what we both have and make. She knows my passwords and pin numbers, etc. I keep my money separate from hers, because it's easier for me to budget since I pay all of the bills. When she was working, we sat down, figured out how much she would pitch in per month based on what each of us would have left over for personal spending money, and made sure that those amounts are about even. We didn't care about who made what. We both were putting in our work hours per week and that made it even. As long as we both liked our jobs, the money we made didn't matter. We live comfortably enough. Right now, she's a stay at home mom (which is one of the most draining jobs around) and I make sure she's taken care of.

 

[jkust]

Re: Woman and Money

I keep my money separate from hers, because it's easier for me to budget since I pay all of the bills.

My only issue with the logic is the above and the advent of computers for such things. The fact for us is I only even bother to look at the checkbook twice a year. Partly because everything is auto payed but because of the long range effects of our agreement on money and earning, we earn money to the point where the monthly balance of the check book doesn't need to occur and hasen't for many years. I don't just think of things as in a vacuum but a sort of in-my-head life plan where a lot of factors come into play. We don't live or conduct our lives like 85% of people but 85% of people don't have a lifestyle like ours or a marriage like ours.

 

[dingbat]

Re: Woman and Money

The fact for us is I only even bother to look at the checkbook twice a year.

I don't think there a month goes by that I don't find something to dispute between the check book, credit card or the autopay accounts. Not looking at your accounts for months on end at a time is foolish, if not stupid.

 

[brick75]

Re: Woman and Money

Keeping seperate accounts, paying for things seperate, hiding details about income,you pay the morgage, I pay the car payment, to me is as the Brits, say rubish. Thats a half of a committment and a cop out to me. If you can't park your money in a big pile and come to an agreement on how to spend and save it you will be in the 50% of divorces unless you are an outlier. I've seen this countless times over the years as i'm sure many have. One of the big reasons my wife and I have been married as long as we have in the era of everybody we know has been divorced is our agreement on money and consevatism where it is concerned.

I disagree with this completely. My wife and I have always had separate accounts and I believe it's one of the reasons why we've stayed happily married for 14 years. I think it's pretty well known that issues over money is one of the main causes for splits. We rarely even discuss the topic. I do support the majority of our finances, and have no issue with that. But I can guarantee that if she had access to my account, there would be frequent fights over the money she was spending from it. I think it has a lot to do with the individuals as well. Some people are much better at money management than others. If I was married to type of woman that just went out and spent spent spent, we'd be divorced in no time.

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

I don't think there a month goes by that I don't find something to dispute between the check book, credit card or the autopay accounts. Not looking at your accounts for months on end at a time is foolish, if not stupid.

I agree. I am looking at my checking/savings accounts and credit cards multiple times a week.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Woman and Money

I disagree with this completely. My wife and I have always had separate accounts and I believe it's one of the reasons why we've stayed happily married for 14 years. I think it's pretty well known that issues over money is one of the main causes for splits. We rarely even discuss the topic. I do support the majority of our finances, and have no issue with that. But I can guarantee that if she had access to my account, there would be frequent fights over the money she was spending from it. I think it has a lot to do with the individuals as well. Some people are much better at money management than others. If I was married to type of woman that just went out and spent spent spent, we'd be divorced in no time.

That's why it is important to know each others strengths and weaknesses and come to decisions BEFORE getting married. I encourage the one that can handle the finances better to take charge of them. For some couples it is the man and for others it is the woman. But if there are more than one head in an area it is a division.

 

[Slide]

Re: Woman and Money

This topic is very subjective and depends on the people involved. To give a young person's (23 years old) perspective on the matter, the majority of women I know are very independent on financial matters. With my most recent ex, we were serious enough to have discussions on marriage, and SHE was the one who was adamant about having separate finances. That didn't make a difference to me; I understand that everyone has different viewpoints and feelings on the matter.

What is important isn't whether it's "right" or "wrong" to have separate or combined finances, pre-nup, or whatever other financial arrangement. What really matters is the ability to come to an agreeable solution on the issue. If you can't figure that out, that's a red flag far moreso than implied "trust problems" over financial issues.

A caveat to that - marriage is unavoidably a business arrangement just as much as it is a loving union. It's wise to treat it as such when it comes to money matters.