Woman and Money

[hostage]

I have been dating the same girl for 9 years. We are going to get married next May. Right now I earn about 3x more than my fiance. She does social work, I do IT work. In time we have lived together we have had very little arguments about money.

I pay the following:
Mortgage, property tax, and home owners insurance
Cell Phones
My vehicle loan
Most meals when we go out
Most vacation/recreation related stuff

She pays:
Water Bill (~$10/month)
Garbage Bill ~$30/month
Utilities Bill ~$60/month
Internet Bill ~$35
her vehicle loan ?
college loans ?
health insurances for both of us through work - $250/month

Other:
We alternate buying groceries

The bills she pay are relatively small and is about the third of what I pay for the mortgage, etc.

So as I have more disposable income than she does, I do spend more things. Though things I spend money are things we do together, such as boating, renovating the bathroom, and etc.

Anyway the thing that is bugging me is some women I know that seem to have more financial headaches than us, seem to lecture me in front of my fiance how after we marry everything is going to change blah blah blah. Basically how the family turns into a communism, which I disagree with. I don't mind contributing based off of income, though saying everything we earn together is split, is a little BS. I do my job that I don't mind to get money to enjoy things. My fiance does her job because she likes it and wants to help people, though she gets peanuts for it. I want my fiance to be successful financially from her own accomplishments, not by me. She is quitting her job to get her masters and I have no issues supporting her through that. It will give her an edge in her career. I don't want her to take a peanut paying job w/ her master's degree, just because she is comfortable with it. I want her to push herself to do the best she can, money can be a big motivater. Am I wrong for thinking this way. I give into a lot of things, though this is something I would stick to my guns about. It also bugs me how some women I know tell me stuff like this in front of my fiance, yet they make a lot of financial mistakes, while we don't argue about finances.

I want her to be motivated at the same time I don't want to feel resentful that she is doing what she likes for a job, yet I am doing what I do for money more than like. That will then take my motivation for doing that job.

-Hostage

 

[drrpm]

Re: Woman and Money

Social work will still pay peanuts even with a masters degree. If she gets a job that pays more money but doesn't make her happy, you won't be happy either. Whether or not you resent that she makes less money is up to you alone, but I would not recommend that approach if you want to stay married. Marriage is a partnership, but no 2 married people put exactly the same resources into it, each has something different to bring. Keeping score gets divisive. Learning to hold your tongue can be priceless. If you want to marry a woman who makes a lot of money, keep looking. If you love your fiancee, let the money issue go.

 

[robert graham]

Re: Woman and Money

Well, it's always gonna be some kind of compromise with money....we want boats, tools, weapons, cars, toys...they want decorating, furniture, other "girl" stuff. My wife and I get along great for the most part, but she can make me crazy over finances!...just part of being married, I guess!...Good luck!

 

[Jlawsen]

Re: Woman and Money

A pre-nuptual agreement should motivate her.

 

[hostage]

Re: Woman and Money

A pre-nuptual agreement should motivate her.

I think this is the way to go. I would rather have us on the same page going into marriage than how some women expect the whole relationship to completely change. We have been living together for over 3 years and dating for 9.

 

[jkust]

Re: Woman and Money

I actually married my wife while still in college as we both were going to the same university. I met her earlier enough to steer her away from the no-money, PHD required, Psychology Major into a business degree and she has been happy ever since with here career. I'd feel as though she was wasting her business acumen if she was in a social work type of position that she otherwise might have found herself in. I would severely struggle if my wife and I were mismatched where finances and success were concerned. This is really a delicate situation and I am a pretty outspoken person in the way I view social work/government work/non profit careers and the people who choose them.
All that aside, I've been with her for just shy of 20 years now having gotten married young by today's standards. The one thing that I can say that has helped us tremendously given every single person in our wedding party has been divorced and maried more than once, is our agreement on finances. I really think it is the achilles heal of so many marriages. We are nearly one and the same in our views but given we practically grew up together, you could almost expect that. The instant we met we shared finances without giving it a second thought.

 

[dingbat]

Re: Woman and Money

Marriage is a partnership, but no 2 married people put exactly the same resources into it, each has something different to bring.

+1

FWIW: My wife was an Executive Secretary when we got married. She quit her job three years later to be a “stay at home” Mom when she had our oldest daughter.

Fast-forward 19 years, the eldest just graduated from High School and is heading to College in August. The younger daughter is an accomplished Equestrian Rider. She keeps her mother busy a min. 3 days a week with Pony Club, riding lessons and the Equestrian team at school.

The time and effort my wife put into the two girls while keeping things together at home while I worked over the past 19 years is priceless. Where does "priceless" get entered on your balance sheet?

 

[aspeck]

Re: Woman and Money

In the pre-marriage counselling that I do we hit finances pretty hard. The majority of divorces out there sight financial issues as a major cause. If you are not on the same page going in, you will not be on the same page as you go out. And a pre-nup, to me, is a statement of, "this is not going to work, so let's have an exit strategy for that time." If you are not comfortable enough on every level to marry her without one, then don't marry her.

I am always in favor of one person handling the finances and everything being joint (with smaller hordes of "mad money" for gifts, etc.). I have never been a fan of dividing the expenses and you keep yours and I keep mine because, again, you are taking the joining together of 2 to make one unit out of the marriage equation. So what is the difference in being married and why do it? If there isn't an added commitment involved, what is the purpose? We have a budget we stick to and if we make joint decisions on anything other than normal purchases. Usually I have to encourage her to buy the new dress or vehicle, or whatever and she encourages me to buy the new gun, boating accessory, etc. It really does work out well and no one is less motivated or feels repressed.

I will admit that I am "old school" but I think that marriage should mean something and be very special. I share everything with my wife and we made the decision that she would be a stay-at-home mom when the time came. She loves her new career, and so do I. We compliment each other so well and have everything in common. I love the way my marriage works and wish every married couple could be as happy as we are together. She is my best friend, my confidant, and financial adviser, my encourager, and my lover. In the same vain, I am that for her. 12 years of marriage and I love her more today than the day we said, "I do." God willing and we live long enough, we will grow old and happy together.

 

[jkust]

Re: Woman and Money

I think this is the way to go. I would rather have us on the same page going into marriage than how some women expect the whole relationship to completely change. We have been living together for over 3 years and dating for 9.

Wow this just got serious.

 

[tomdinwv]

Re: Woman and Money

Some folks combine their resources into one pot and some keep their finances seperate. It all depends on what works for each couple. The 2 of you should sit down and discuss how you both feel about finances after marriage. A prenup may be a good thing for you guys then again, it may end the relationship. Depends on the individuals involved. My only advice is to sit down with her, by youselves, and discuss what each of you expect from marriage. That includes finances, kids, housing etc... If you guys both have goals and know what each others goals, thoughts and feelings are, that will go a long way in smoothing out any bumps. The time to discuss this stuff is now, not a day or 2 before the wedding. I hope you guys figure out something that will work for the both of you and keep you both happy. Good luck!

 

[BTMCB]

Re: Woman and Money

+1

FWIW: My wife was an Executive Secretary when we got married. She quit her job three years later to be a “stay at home” Mom when she had our oldest daughter.

Fast-forward 19 years, the eldest just graduated from High School and is heading to College in August. The younger daughter is an accomplished Equestrian Rider. She keeps her mother busy a min. 3 days a week with Pony Club, riding lessons and the Equestrian team at school.

The time and effort my wife put into the two girls while keeping things together at home while I worked over the past 19 years is priceless. Where does "priceless" get entered on your balance sheet?

+1. Well said. I have been married for 39 years (to the same admiral!). We got married at age 19 and are now each 59. My wife has taught pre-school part-time her whole life (except when the kids were small - she stayed at home because we felt it was important). She didn't chose the field because of money - she chose it because it is what she loves to do. It pays peanuts and always has but gives her great satisfaction impacting young toddler's lives as well the parents. That is "priceless". I make 10 times the money she makes but she works just as hard as I do. It has always been that way and always will. Marriage - in my opinion - is a 50/50 partnership and each partner does their bit in ALL areas. By the way, there is no way in heck I could have done as great a job staying home with our kids than the admiral did - and her doing that is "worth" 10 times or more than my salary. Just my 02. and I can make change! Good luck.

 

[rogerwa]

Re: Woman and Money

Aspect really nailed it better than I could. I make three times what my wife does and in my view that is immaterial. I have given all of myself to her and she has done the same.

If I want to buy something, I don't have to ask. But I do just to ensure we are on the same page. She trusts me in the big purchases and I ensure that I earn it.

To me a successful marriage requires jumping in with both feet without a contingency. If there is a way out, one of you will take it when the going gets tough. And it does.

 

[Maclin]

Re: Woman and Money

Why are you getting married? Your concerns about post-marriage indicate you should not get married, it changes everything, even with a pre-nup. Don't get married if you like the way things are now, just sayin'.

 

[BonairII]

Re: Woman and Money

A pre-nuptual agreement should motivate her.

A pre-nup is the way to go IMO. Don't be surprised if she freaks out when you suggest it, though.

If your marriage fails, she will take a MINIMUM of 1/2 your income and savings, plus future alimony. If you have kids....forget about it....she'll have 3/4 of your income for the next 20+ years(including any retirement)

50%+ marriages fail, so protect yourself.

I'm not trying to be a jerk about marriage, but the facts are the facts.

 

[bruceb58]

Re: Woman and Money

To the OP,

Do you own the house now? If so, any money that comes from a joint checking account to pay the mortgage will come from community money so she will have a shared equity in the house of a certain percentage over time. Might be worth getting an appraisal on the house at this time or just pay the mortgage from your own checking account and you won't have this issue.

Do either of you have any other debts like student loans or credit cards? Do both of you know exactly how much debt each other has?

Any children from previous marriages for either of you?

I personally would get a pre-nup spelling out all your existing assets and debts so "if" anything happens...
It will make sure you are both on the same page money wise too.

 

[salty87]

Re: Woman and Money

my situation was much like yours when i met, dated and married my wife. we too were together for something like 6 or 7 years before getting married....i'm sure she knows the exact amount of time. how do they do that? lol

i used to be the big bread winner. paid for the big items and made sure she had enough for what she wanted/needed. i always picked up the check. i never thought bad of her for her financial position. some have more, some have less.

fast forward 5-10 years and things have flipped around. i switched careers out of necessity. tired of my old dead-end job and the writing was on the wall. few jobs or careers are safe anymore.

she's making the bucks now. she pays wherever we go. she holds no resentment. i've started my own business and times will be lean for me for a bit longer. we both strive to become better...better people, better spouses, etc.

don't get caught thinking that things can't/won't change. will you stick by each other's side no matter the obstacles?

 

[BonairII]

Re: Woman and Money

will you stick by each other's side no matter the obstacles?

There's the key.

If she has always been the type of girl to take everything in stride, then you might have a chance.

If she's shown her "evil side" on occasion, that evil side will take the forefront if/when the marriage goes bad.

The fact that you're already having doubts about your fiance tells me that that something may already be wrong between the two of you.

 

[colding]

Re: Woman and Money

In my marriage, I make 100% of the income. She spends 125% of it.

 

[86 century]

Re: Woman and Money

I was lucky enough to get to wonderful pieces of advice from guys that have been married longer than I have been on the planet.

If you don't want money to be a problem never let her know what you make.

The less involvement you have in the planning of the wedding the longer the marriage will last.


Following these two pieces of advice has worked for me so far.

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Woman and Money

Does she cook? Do laundry? Clean? Grocery shop and plan meals? When you have children, will she be responsible for a huge part of their care?

A pre-nup is for gals you marry who either you dont plan on staying with forever or you simply dont trust. Both are things that can kill a marriage.

Marriage is never 50/50. Most of the time its 90/10. Sometimes your the 90, sometimes your the 10. Either way, if you truly are committed to eachother, it will balance out in the end.

Good luck.