"Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION FORM<br /><br /><br />Name: ______________ (last)<br /><br /><br />FirstPlease tick appropriate box)<br /><br />Billy-Bob [ ]<br />Billy-Joe [ ]<br />Billy-Ray [ ]<br />Billy-Sue [ ]<br />Billy-Mae [ ]<br />Billy-Jack [ ]<br /><br /><br />Shoe size: ______ (left) ________ (right)<br /><br /><br />Occupation:<br /><br />Farmer [ ]<br />Mechanic [ ]<br />Hair Dresser [ ]<br />Unemployed [ ]<br /><br /><br />Relationship with spouse:<br /><br />sister [ ]<br />brother [ ]<br />aunt [ ]<br />uncle [ ]<br />cousin [ ]<br />mother [ ]<br />father [ ]<br />son [ ]<br />daughter [ ]<br />pet [ ]<br /><br /><br />Education: 1 2 3 4 (tick highest grade completed)<br /><br /><br />Do you own [ ] or rent [ ] your mobile home?<br /><br /><br />___ total number of vehicles you own<br />___ number of vehicles that still crank<br />___ number of vehicles in front yard<br />___ number of vehicles in back yard<br />___ number of vehicles on cement blocks<br /><br /><br />Firearms you own and where you keep them:<br /><br />truck [ ]<br />bedroom [ ]<br />bathroom [ ]<br />kitchen [ ]<br />shed [ ]<br /><br /><br />Model and year of pick-up: __________194__<br /><br /><br />Do you have a gun rack? [ ]yes [ ]no. (If no, please explain)<br /><br /><br />___ number of times you've seen Elvis<br />___ number of times you've seen a UFO<br />___ number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO<br /><br /><br />How often do you bathe:<br /><br />weekly [ ]<br />monthly [ ]<br />N/A [ ]<br /><br /><br />Colour of teeth:<br /><br />yellow [ ]<br />brownish-yellow [ ]<br />brown [ ]<br />black [ ]<br />N/A [ ]<br /><br /><br />How far is your home from a paved road:<br /><br />1-5 miles [ ]<br />5-10 miles [ ]<br />don't know [ ]

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.<br /><br />Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, <br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />"You mean they'll PAY me too?"

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.<br /><br />She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."<br /><br />"But, madam!", replied the bellman.<br /><br />"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."<br /><br />"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; <br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />this is the elevator!"

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?<br />A full set of teeth.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?<br />'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

You Know You're a Redneck When.....<br /><br />You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree<br />You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.<br />Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.<br />Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.<br />You burn your yard rather than mow it.<br />You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.<br />The Salvation Army declines your mattress.<br />Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.<br />You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.<br />You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.<br />You come back from the dump with more than you took.<br />You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.<br />Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.<br />Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.<br />You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.<br />You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.<br />You've bathed with flea and tick soap.<br />You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.<br />Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.<br />You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.<br />You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.<br />You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.<br />You have a rag for a gas cap.<br />You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.<br />Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.<br />Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.<br />You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.<br />You can spit without opening your mouth.<br />You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.<br />Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.<br />You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.<br />You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.<br />The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.<br />Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.<br />You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.<br />You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.<br />You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.<br />Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.<br />A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.<br />You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.<br />You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"<br />You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.<br />You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.<br />Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Originally posted by SBN:<br /> STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION FORM<br /><br />Shoe size: ______ (left) ________ (right)<br /><br /><br />Occupation:<br /><br />Farmer [ ]<br />Mechanic [ ]<br />Hair Dresser [ ]<br />Unemployed [ ]<br /><br /><br />Relationship with spouse:<br /><br />sister [ ]<br />brother [ ]<br />aunt [ ]<br />uncle [ ]<br />cousin [ ]<br />mother [ ]<br />father [ ]<br />son [ ]<br />daughter [ ]<br />pet [ ]<br /><br /><br />How far is your home from a paved road:<br /><br />1-5 miles [ ]<br />5-10 miles [ ]<br />don't know [ ]

SBN, yer killin' me...laughin so hard!!!!!

 

[woodrat]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

wow, that was a great pile of jokes! Tears in my eyes!

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

'Tain't over yet...now if this offends anyone, too bad <br /><br />The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town. <br /><br />The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!" <br /><br />The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours."

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

"YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... <br /><br />You ever cut your grass and found a car. <br /><br />You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren''t. <br /><br />You think the stock market has a fence around it. <br /><br />Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. <br /><br />Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ***. <br /><br />You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. <br /><br />You''ve ever spray painted your girlfriend''s name on an overpass. <br /><br />Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. <br /><br />You think a Volvo is part of a woman''s anatomy. <br /><br />You own a homemade fur coat. <br /><br />Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. <br /><br />You burn your yard rather than mow it. <br /><br />Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." <br /><br />You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." <br /><br />You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. <br /><br />The Salvation Army declines your mattress. <br /><br />You''ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen. <br /><br />Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. <br /><br />Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. <br /><br />Someone asks, "Where''s your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She''s at home with the kids." <br /><br />Your wife''s job requires her to wear an orange vest. <br /><br />You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. <br /><br />You have the local taxidermist''s number on speed dial. <br /><br />You''ve ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. <br /><br />Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". <br /><br />You''ve ever given rat traps as gifts. <br /><br />You clean your fingernails with a stick. <br /><br />Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. <br /><br />You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. <br /><br />You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. <br /><br />Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

[Xcusme]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

What has 20 feet and 4 teeth...<br /><br />The front row at a Willie Nelson concert....

 

[sangerwaker]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Now that I have picked myself off of the floor, I can type this. Those were great, guys!

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Originally posted by Xcusme:<br /> What has 20 feet and 4 teeth...<br /><br />The front row at a Willie Nelson concert....

OMG!!!!!!! I am dying...folks are wondering WHAT IN THE WORLD am I laughing out loud about???? 20 feet and 4 teeth...omg...how funny!!!! I WILL be using that one....thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[1730V]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

I thought they could not be paramedics because they want to field dress the ones that did not make it.

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................<br /><br /> 1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war<br /> general.<br /> 2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.<br /> 3. You ever used lard in bed.<br /> 4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.<br /> 5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.<br /> 6. There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.<br /> 7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.<br /> 8. Fewer than half of your cars run.<br /> 9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling<br /> the State Trooper to kiss her butt.<br /> 10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".<br /> 11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and<br /> seductive tongue gestures.<br /> 12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and<br /> cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.<br /> 13. Your family tree doesn't fork.<br /> 14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.<br /> 15. Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports<br /> event.<br /> 16. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".<br /> 17. You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.<br /> 18. You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the<br /> shade.<br /> 19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.<br /> 20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Originally posted by 1730V:<br /> I thought they could not be paramedics because they want to field dress the ones that did not make it.

Or have them stuffed and mounted!!!!!

 

[spratt]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Alright, this guy has so many, I am just going to post the link...they are FUNNY!!!!<br /><br /> http://members.tripod.com/~Mysterium/se10056.html

 

[jinx]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Canadian Rednecks:<br /><br />If you've ever gone beaver hunting and came back with an actual beaver.<br /><br />If most of your clothing has Canadian beer logos on them.<br /><br />If you've ever hummed "Bud the Spud".<br /><br />If you've never realized that most of the lyrics in Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald" don't rhyme.<br /><br />If most of your wardrobe is plaid (including hats).<br /><br />If you have over ten pounds of moose or deer meat in the freezer at all times.<br /><br />If you mix French and English in the same sentence. (This only applies if you're a Francophone.)<br /><br />If you've ever been "out and about".<br /><br />If you have a firearm that's been in the family for at least one generation and name it after the person who originally owned it -- "Fetch me Granddad's gun, I'm going hunting, eh."<br /><br />If you insist that Americans should know more about Canada, despite the fact the only part of America that exists for you is Florida.<br /><br />If you have Canadian Tire catalogues in your house. (Extra points for any "really old" ones.)<br /><br />If you own a pot-bellied stove. (Extra points if it's "been in the family" for a while.)<br /><br />If all your recipes are for game meat. (ew)<br /><br />If you've ever used your kitchen to dress/butcher game, make "chow" or pickled beets.<br /><br />If you had to find out which leaves make good toilet paper, mainly because you can't use a dollar bill any more.<br /><br />If you know "jacking deer" isn't a sexual innuendo.<br /><br />If you own an ice auger.<br /><br />If you have a "good" parka for formal occasions.<br /><br />If the main source of heat in your house is a wood burning stove. (uhoh...)<br /><br />If you consider Kraft Dinner, ketchup, beer and Crispy Crunch as the four major food groups.<br /><br />If you shop exclusively at Canadian Tire for Christmas presents.<br /><br />If you live in a house that has no front step, even though if you went out the front door you'd probably plummet to your death. (no, I have seen one though)<br /><br />If your snowmobile or chainsaw payments have a higher priority than your car payments.<br /><br />If you think the start of deer season should be a national holiday.<br /><br />If the trunk of your car has ever doubled as a deep freeze.

 

[gonfishn]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

Spinner It wasn't quite that bad when we would get calls like that..Only on the full moon phase..<br /><br />I see Usems as in ridgerunners are being made famous again...What you really don't know that a ridgerunner was the first to make it to the moon and i got proof..<br /><br />Many here don't know what Spinner_Bait did before he retired..When he said he has alien friends he is telln you the truth..Here is where he spends his vacations and goes fishn.... <br /><br /><br />

 

[one more cast]

Re: "Why Rednecks are not Paramedics"

JB, whats up why ain't ya poofin' these racial jokes.