Wednesday Funny.

[POINTER94]

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP <br /><br />1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. <br />2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. <br />3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. <br />4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. <br />5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. <br />6. You watch the Weather Channel. <br />7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. <br />8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. <br />9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." <br />10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door <br /> won't turn down the stereo. <br />11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. <br />12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. <br />13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. <br />14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers <br />15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. <br />16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. <br />17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. <br />18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather <br /> than settle your stomach. <br />19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and <br /> pregnancy tests.<br />20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." <br />21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. <br />22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to <br /> drink that much again." <br />23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. <br />24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. <br />25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that<br />doesn't apply to <br /> you..........and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ***

 

[tylerin]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them

My wife is right!!!! I'll never grow up

 

[gaugeguy]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

Originally posted by tylerin:<br />My wife is right!!!! I'll never grow up

Got a bumper crop going? <br /><br />Bring on the funnies, everyone needs them today!

 

[Stratosfied]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

Thanks for the funny---#25 especially !!

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

"Driving Rules"<br /> <br />1.) If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light,<br /> it is okay to proceed through the intersection,<br /> regardless of the current color of the light.<br /> <br />2.) The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a<br /> Porsche.<br /> <br />3.) If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you<br /> automatically have the right of way, regardless<br /> of the situation. This is especially, applicable<br /> in parking lots.<br /> <br />4.) Get to know your horn. Use it as often as<br /> possible.<br /> <br />5.) While driving on the freeway and talking on your<br /> cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.<br /> This is especially effective if driving in the fast<br /> lane.<br /> <br />6.) Every lane is the suicide lane.<br /> <br />7.) For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars.<br /> Honest.<br /><br />8.) If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.<br /> You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll<br /> make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be<br /> sure to throw random items out of your window. It<br /> will give the reporters something to talk about on<br /> the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.<br /> <br />9.) Never use your turn signal, unless of course you<br /> are on the freeway with no intention of merging.<br /> <br />10.) Totally disregard on-coming traffic.<br /> <br />11.) In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can<br /> not drive in any sort of precipitation.<br /> <br />12.) While driving uphill, do not down shift. While<br /> driving downhill, ride your brakes.<br /> <br />13.) When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set<br /> the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable<br /> the alarm, and put The Club on your steering<br /> wheel.<br /> <br />14.) On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the<br /> center divider as a passing lane.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

"'F' is for Absence"<br /> <br />Little Jimmy stared at his test paper. The big red<br />"F" stared back at him.<br /> <br />Sammy looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why<br />did you get such a low grade on that test?"<br /> <br />"Because of an absence," Jimmy answered.<br /> <br />"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?"<br />he questioned.<br /> <br />Little Jimmy replied, "No, but Shirley who usually<br />sits next to me was."

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

"Smart As A Brick"<br /> <br />While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed<br />several students on their hands and knees assessing<br />the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.<br /> <br />"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.<br /> <br />"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen<br />ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this<br />courtyard."<br /> <br />"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we<br />were out of earshot of the freshmen.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /> <br />The guide replied simply, "One."

 

[18rabbit]

Re: Wednesday Funny.

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Newest recreational plant, Salvia divinorum. For the time being it is still legal in the US, but I doubt for much longer.<br /><br /> http://www.sagewisdom.org/faq.html