(Disclaimer....at the risk of being shot, or even worse being banned from the forum I thought some of you may appreciate the funny side of life
)<br /><br /><br />To the citizens of the United States of America :- <br /><br />In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and <br />thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your <br />independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume <br />monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. <br /><br />Except Utah, which she does not fancy. <br /><br />Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America <br />without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. <br /><br />A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of <br />you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the <br />following rules are introduced with immediate effect: <br /><br />1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. <br />Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at <br />just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated <br />in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing <br />more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' <br />without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter <br />'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by <br />the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. <br />Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you <br />can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your <br />vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven <br />words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an <br />unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There <br />will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to <br />cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to <br />develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. <br /><br />2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on <br />your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of <br />the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". <br /><br />3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. <br />It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, <br />upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to <br />understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be <br />broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that <br />there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is <br />"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become <br />"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. <br /><br />4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the <br />good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English <br />characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" <br />will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who <br />can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. <br /><br />5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The <br />Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get <br />confused and give up half way through. <br /><br />6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind <br />of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good <br />game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders <br />may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer <br />be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, <br />it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of <br />you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar <br />to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every <br />twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping <br />to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop <br />playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World <br />Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are <br />aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. <br />Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called <br />"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards <br />or hotdogs. <br /><br />7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if <br />they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a <br />world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have <br />never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be <br />allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry <br />anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe <br />you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require <br />a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. <br /><br />8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new <br />national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". <br /><br />9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your <br />own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. <br />All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving <br />on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with <br />immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and <br />metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. <br /><br />10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French <br />fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% <br />of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware <br />of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips <br />are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal <br />fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm <br />and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. <br /><br />11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to <br />all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be <br />doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. <br />12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually <br />beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be <br />referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will <br />be referred to as "Lager". <br /><br />The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be <br />referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the <br />American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak <br />Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last <br />1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. <br /><br />13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you <br />will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the <br />former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the <br />Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used <br />to it). <br /><br /><br />14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, <br />lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows <br />that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled <br />by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing <br />someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. <br /><br />15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. <br /><br />Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to <br />ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). <br /><br />Thank you for your cooperation."<br />_________________
)<br /><br /><br />To the citizens of the United States of America :- <br /><br />In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and <br />thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your <br />independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume <br />monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. <br /><br />Except Utah, which she does not fancy. <br /><br />Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America <br />without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. <br /><br />A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of <br />you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the <br />following rules are introduced with immediate effect: <br /><br />1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. <br />Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at <br />just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated <br />in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing <br />more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' <br />without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter <br />'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by <br />the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. <br />Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you <br />can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your <br />vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven <br />words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an <br />unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There <br />will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to <br />cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to <br />develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. <br /><br />2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on <br />your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of <br />the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". <br /><br />3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. <br />It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, <br />upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to <br />understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be <br />broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that <br />there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is <br />"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become <br />"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. <br /><br />4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the <br />good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English <br />characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" <br />will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who <br />can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. <br /><br />5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The <br />Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get <br />confused and give up half way through. <br /><br />6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind <br />of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good <br />game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders <br />may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer <br />be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, <br />it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of <br />you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar <br />to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every <br />twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping <br />to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop <br />playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World <br />Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are <br />aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. <br />Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called <br />"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards <br />or hotdogs. <br /><br />7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if <br />they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a <br />world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have <br />never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be <br />allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry <br />anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe <br />you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require <br />a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. <br /><br />8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new <br />national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". <br /><br />9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your <br />own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. <br />All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving <br />on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with <br />immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and <br />metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. <br /><br />10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French <br />fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% <br />of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware <br />of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips <br />are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal <br />fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm <br />and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. <br /><br />11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to <br />all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be <br />doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. <br />12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually <br />beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be <br />referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will <br />be referred to as "Lager". <br /><br />The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be <br />referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the <br />American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak <br />Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last <br />1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. <br /><br />13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you <br />will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the <br />former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the <br />Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used <br />to it). <br /><br /><br />14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, <br />lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows <br />that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled <br />by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing <br />someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. <br /><br />15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. <br /><br />Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to <br />ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). <br /><br />Thank you for your cooperation."<br />_________________
