Tips for Republicans <br />Things you have to believe to be a Republican today: <br />1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then you need our prayers for your recovery. <br />2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. <br />3.Gavernment should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. (I don't agree, if it's illegal, it's illegal regardless of the reason.) <br />4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. <br />5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. <br />6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. <br />7. The best way to improve military moral is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. <br />8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday want to run for governor of California as a Republican. <br />9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. <br />10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. <br />11. HMO's and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. <br />12. Providing health care to the Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. <br />13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.(IMHO IT should!!!) <br />14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when [baby] Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "We can't find Bin Laden" diversion. <br />15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. <br />16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the internet. <br />17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trade, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. <br />18. You support state's rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt. <br />19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. <br />20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
