The past haunted me today

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Back in September I posted a thread about my POS wannabe SIL and I getting into a big ruckus. Things have been good since then. He hadn't made any attempts to talk to me except through my wife. Which I feel that being a man, I wouldn't accept anything he had to say through her. If he had something to say to me, then he should have talked to me directly.<br /><br />Well this morning, the morning of a big ice storm he calls me on my cell. Asked if I was busy. I said yes and really didn't have the time to discuss things with him. As a matter of fact I was pulling a tree out of the truckers entrance way of one of our stores. <br /><br />Regauardless if I was busy or not, he continued to ask what it was going to take to make things right between us. I honestly told him the right thing is to stay away. Explained to him his ability to forgive and forget needs to be improved. I didn't appreaciate sarcasim, cut down remarks, and lack of respect for the people who helped with rent, car payments/repairs, and utilities. Told him that he never payed attention to anyones needs unless it benefitted him.<br /><br />Mentioned to him his first mistake was calling me during my working hours. (again he doesn't care about others priorities) Second, he still blamed me for everything. This is the guy that started this because he used my truck in a manner that I specified for it NOT TO BE USED. That is why he pulled the hitch off my truck.<br /><br />So I told him that my wife and I can't trust you and don't wish to have you in any of our family functions. The sad thing is my stepdaughter hasn't spoken to her mom and hasn't made any attempt to. My wife did try to meet her somewhere, but the daughter backed out. The daugher doesn't want to see us because we don't want her boyfriend to be around.<br /><br />My wife and I feel the same way, we just don't like him and his disrespectful ways. We are at the age that all of our children have been raised and out of the house. This is our turn to enjoy life without grief. She and I don't fight, and I mean we don't fight at all. <br /><br />I guess I just want some confirmation on if I'm right by sticking to my guns by wanting him out of our lives.

 

[mrbscott19]

Re: The past haunted me today

I know the type SS. Been dealing with those kind of people all my life. In my mind, you made the right choice. Maybe he'll mature further down the road, but until he comes to you and proves it without a doubt, stick to your guns.

 

[fixin]

Re: The past haunted me today

I'm with you 100%,He wants to work it out,then he needs to do it the wright way.Then maybe,just maybe,I'd talk to him.

 

[JB]

Re: The past haunted me today

As soon as one person thinks they know what another wants or thinks you have guaranteed conflict.<br /><br />Your description of the conflicts is loaded with people thinking they know what someone else is thinking or what someone else cares/doesn't care about. It is also loaded with people who are angry about what they THINK someone else feels or thinks.<br /><br />What is in one's heart is the most private part of a person and should NEVER be trespassed upon.<br /><br />For these conflicts to be put away all concerned must focus ONLY on what others say or do and assume goodwill on the part of all.<br /><br />Sit down with your BIL, your step daughter and all concerned. Tell them what you think happened and how you felt about it. Ask them to tell you what they think happened and how they felt about it. Nobody assigns thoughts or feelings to anybody else. Seek agreement that things said and done that got you upset wont happen and vice-versa.<br /><br />Remember, nobody KNOWS what is in another's heart.

 

[WillyBWright]

Re: The past haunted me today

He made an attempt. Not a good one, but an attempt. Probably because he realizes that your stepdaughter's estrangement from you and your better half is bringing her unhappiness. Probably some tension in their relationhsip as well. Bad feelings are hard to put behind you. But you have to try. They say time heals all wounds. That's a pile of BS! Untreated wounds fester. You gotta nip it in the bud or you're looking at years of misery. Just MHO.

 

[bomar76]

Re: The past haunted me today

The best way to avoid a tug of war contest such as this over who is right/who is wrong/who did what to whom is to not pick up your end of the rope.<br /><br />When he calls, don't continue the conversation.<br />Talking/argueing with him is continuing the battle.

 

[jtexas]

Re: The past haunted me today

Sounds like the guy needs to learn how to take responsibility for his actions & offer a sincere apology. I mean to where you're convinced he's sincere. You reach a point where some relationships just aren't worth the effort, especially if the other party isn't trying.<br /><br />One thing to watch out for, though, is don't make other family members "take sides." I mean if you & this guy are both invited to some event, you can decide not to go, but it would be a mistake to get pissed at the host for inviting him even though they know you don't like 'em. And don't hold some other family member "hostage" by saying something like "I ain't coming to your wedding if he's invited;" if it's a real important event like that just suck it up and go - you don't have to talk to the guy.<br /><br />good luck!

 

[agitator]

Re: The past haunted me today

Is your problem with him based on a single incident? Does he treat your daughter well? Does he work steadily and is he a good provider? Does he have good morals and is he honest? If he does not have the aforementioned qualities he is likely a POS not worth wasting any more effort and time on. Sorry people rarely turn over a new at midlife. Just my .02 worth.

 

[mikeandronda]

Re: The past haunted me today

SS I understand that he is a bit of a loser and he disrespected you and all but what about your daughter? She needs her family, her mom and dad. Now this guy doesnt deserve any slack from you but hanging on to this until he learns may mean makeing those you love go through more than is necassary. Everything I have seen on here about you tells me you are a good and decent and fairly sharp person so Im guessing you have not just came here first but have gone through this in your own head. Dont let some nim-rod control your relationship with your Daughter. I am not in your position but one thing I know when we are wronged by someone until we are able to forgive them, its like we continue to suffer, when we can let it go we are freed. I understand your feelings and i bet i would feel no different, but if you can let it go, in the long run everyone will benefit. Whatever happens you obviously love your kids dont let him steal your relationship with your daughter from you.

 

[KaGee]

Re: The past haunted me today

SS...<br /><br />I well remember your frustration earlier in the fall. I think you are right on.<br /><br />I'd bet you $5 that they are in trouble again and need help financially and that's why the phone call trying to cosey up.

 

[mikeandronda]

Re: The past haunted me today

Or KaGee may be right.........Protect yer self as well as keep an open mind and heart.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: The past haunted me today

This evening my oldest stepdaughter called the Mrs. and said she and her sister was up the street at the grocery store. My wife then asked her to pick up a few things. So she agrees to pick up the stuff. The oldest came in while the daughter in question stayed in the car. The Mrs looked out the window to maybe even wave at her. Well, she looked at her mom and then bowed her head down.<br /><br />This situation does bum me out. It isn't a matter of who was right or wrong. It is just the matter of respect.<br /><br />I know some of the members aren't really familuar with my past situation with this guy. <br /><br />Here ia a quick outline. 4 years ago on New Years Eve he had a date with my stepdaughter resulting in the coming of a grandaughter. Daughter still in school with a learning disability. The first time we met the boyfriend it was not a good day. The wife and I sat down to talk to both of them. We discussed the situation and the options. We made it a point not to suggest our opinion, but the options of keeping, adoption, and the other. He all of a sudden got mad thinking we were suggesting abortion. We both tried in adult manner to explain that it was an option, not a recommendation. He screamed and yelled at me in my own house. Okay I forgave him for that. 3 years pass, during this time lots of things seem to always relate to that first time meeting. Even this last fight, all he did was bring up stuff from the first fight.<br /><br />He takes things wrong, gets mad, won't listen to an explaination. Its like he has a tunnel maddness. He is a big guy and likes to throw his weight around. Each occurance with him he always boasts about almost killing his uncle. I'm sorry, but I have to admit this guy does scare me. It is this fear that my wife has more than me. <br /><br />My motto my dad had taught me was this "Any fool can fight, but it takes a smart man to stay out of one" It has worked for me so far, <br /><br />The good nature in me really wants to forgive, but to protect my wife and myself, we both agreed that we want him to stay at a distance. <br /><br />Sorry for writting so much, this is just a big bummer...<br />

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: The past haunted me today

KaGee, Your probably right. This ice storm brought down alot of trees. Since I have my own bucket truck, I'm getting lots of calls. He knows this is where I need help and I pay good. Too bad for him, my real SIL is out of work and has 3 more mouths to feed. The POS is still driving CAB. Has a CDL and driving a cab.

 

[Twidget]

Re: The past haunted me today

Stick to your guns. I have a BIL that is that way. My Dad caved to him and has continued caving for 20 years now. He more or less supports my sister, BIL and 4 kids. Its really sad to see, Dad is 73 and reraising a family. Stick to your gusn.

 

[kenimpzoom]

Re: The past haunted me today

JB makes a very good point. You need to tell them your feelings and then the ball is in their court. If he doesnt listen very well, leave a voice mail, or send him snail mail.<br /><br />Ken

 

[roscoe]

Re: The past haunted me today

Stick to your guns, but don't fire any.<br /><br />At the first threat of violence or confrontation, file a complaint and get a restraining order.<br /><br />Sooner or later he will get in enough trouble, and step daughter will see the light.<br /><br />Until then, live your life the way you choose.<br /><br />No matter what "philosophies" people may offer, it is your life, and your trust, and sense of safety that has been violated. You have tried enough.

 

[12Footer]

Re: The past haunted me today

I would agree with what WillyB said. Just my opinion too-- He made an attempt. As they are wanting to be adult about it all, (at least from thier perspective), perhaps you should invite him and her to dinner and explain how a "real" adult with stripes percieves all this water under and above the bridge.<br />Because of him, two are estranged, and it need not be.

 

[deputydawg]

Re: The past haunted me today

I wonder if by posting this question on here you are questioning your own actions. If you question the position you have taken on this, then you need to sit down with them and try to work it out. Explain exactly what it is that upset you, and your outlook on the problems. Then if THEY are willing to come to those terms then start fresh. Remember pride will probably not let them see their faults. If you do come to some understanding then hold firm to your beliefs. No more handouts or whatever they want. Make it known that you will be there in the role you are supposed to be. <br />I feel you need to do this for YOU. If things can't work out, then you know in your heart you have done all you can. By posting here you are hurt by what has and is happening. If you shut the door you will always have the feeling that maybe there was something that could have been done. Either way you need closure on this, good or bad. <br />If you didn't feel this way, you would have posted here with pride, this is what I did. Instead you posted asking our opinions. I think you know the answer to your questions. <br />Unfortunately I did not read your past post on this, so don't know all of the details, but I see similar problems all the time. <br />For the sake of you and yours contact them, try a meeting, and talk about things. Take a stand and make it known that you feel used, and make it well known that this will not continue. Don't expect them to take any blame upon themselves, but if they do let them do it with dignity. If things don't work out after that, then you can look in the mirror without doubt and know you did all you could. <br />I may be wrong, but this is the only way you will feel completely at peace with your decision. <br />Also if you are a religious person, pray for them and forgive them in your heart. Maybe not to their face, but in your heart. Let go of the anger and do what you have to do.<br />Good luck.

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: The past haunted me today

I am not a big Dr Laura fan, but sometimes I catch her show. Not long ago a woman called her, and was upset because she was "losing" her daughter. The situation was that her 20 year old daughter was marrying a 42 year old man, and the mother couldn't accept it, but she didn't want to lose her daughter. Dr Laura explained that if she really wanted to continue a relationship with the daughter, she must tolerate the marriage whether she accepted it or not, and remain friendly with her daughter, so that when the daughter finally wised up and left the freak, the first place she would run to was back to her mother. Otherwise they may never have a good relationship again.<br /><br />Maybe that situation sort of correlates to yours.<br /><br />I started dating my wife when she was 16. She got pregnant when she was 17, and I was a 19 year old dope smoking punk. Everyone, including my parents were praying that Dee would leave me because I was a total dirt bag. But I eventually straightened up, went to college, got a 4 year degree, and we own two small businesses. While my brother and sister have both been divorced, me and Dee stuck it out and even though there were some bad times and som hard times, we are happy. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe this guy will show some decency; maybe not.

 

[lakelivin]

Re: The past haunted me today

I agree with the posters suggesting that you give them a chance. Weigh pride vs. family and consider how you'll look back at this in 20 years.<br /><br />I also suggest beforehand you outline exactly what your expectations and rules are for moving forward (as diplomatically as possible) and insist on full agreement and compliance. Maybe even formally write these up and have all parties sign the agreement. Be willing to negotiate and change certain points, but only if you're really ok with the change. Let him know that he can be intimidating, that it's a deal breaker, and that you will absolutely not tolerate it in a future relationship. Include specific examples of the things he does to intimidate in the rules and outlaw them. If you get an agreement, don't bend on any of it! Maybe have a backup plan for rule violations; e.g., you broke our agreed terms, lets try again in a month (or 3 or 6 or whatever). <br /><br />One suggestion to facilitate the discussion (from some management/leadership training I had a while back): Before you even begin, get everyone to agree HOW you're going to talk about the issues. Everyone should talk about SPECIFIC ACTS/ACTIONS and AVOID GENERALITIES. The speaker should state HOW THE ACTION(S) IMPACT THE SPEAKER and NOT MAKE JUDGEMENTS ABOUT THE SUBJECT. Also, the listeners agree to let the speaker finish his/her statement before responding. If the speaker says something the listener disagrees with and tries to interrupt, remind him of the rules and reassure him that he will have a chance to respond when it's his turn to speak. This makes it much easier for the listener to hear you without feeling attacked. Maybe even practice this technique a couple of times (everyone) using examples unrelated to anyone in the discussion. <br /><br />e.g., confronting a coworker who often takes the last cup of coffee without making a new pot:<br /><br />WRONG WAY: "You're so insensitive (such an a*****e, etc). You always take the last cup and never make a new pot." <br /><br />First of all, it's gonna be perceived as an attack and he's gonna shut you off without hearing and probably fire back. Secondly, if he does make a pot every blue moon, he's gonna feel persecuted because technically you're wrong (even if you're close to correct in spirit).<br /><br />BETTER WAY: "When you take the last cup of coffee and don't make a new pot (EITHER) <br />1) it makes me feel like you're skipping your share of the responsibility in keeping the coffee supply available for all of us and making someone else do your fair share <br />(AND/OR)<br />2) it makes me feel like you don't respect the rest of us enough to make a new pot so that coffee will be on hand for the next person who wants a cup." <br /><br />Not much to rationally argue with if phrased the second way, and a much greater chance that the message will be heard and considered. You'll see a huge difference in response between the two approaches, but it does take some practice to frame things using these rules. <br /><br />Good luck!