Post Your Jokes Here

[RGrew176]

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, ?No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.?

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, ?No charge. I consider it a service to the community.?

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, ?No charge. I consider it a service to the country.?

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

 

[RGrew176]

Three men ? an American, a Japanese and an Irishman ? were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

?That was my pager,? he said. ?I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.?

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, ?That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.?

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

?It appears that you?ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,? pointed the amused American.

?Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!? Declared the Irishman.

​

 

[sam60]

LOl Mr. Grew! You find some good ones. Just for the record they are illegal in Clark and Washoe Counties. AKA Las Vegas and Reno.

 

[DeepCMark58A]

No Title

 

[RGrew176]

Mr. Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his ?manhood? was mangled and torn from his body.


His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn?t cover the procedure, since it was considered
cosmetic surgery.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a ?small,? $6,500 for a ?medium,? and $14,000 for a ?large.?


Mr. Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium? and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.


He called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found him slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.


?Well, what have the two of you decided?? asked the doctor.


?She?d rather remodel the kitchen.?

 

[RGrew176]

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80?s, went to a relations therapist?s office.

The doctor asked, ?What can I do for you??

The man said, ?Will you watch us have intercourse??

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, ?There?s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.?
He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, ?I?m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out??

The man said, ?We?re not trying to find out anything. She?s married; so we can?t go to her house. I?m married; and we can?t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all?.

?Medicare pays $43 of it!?

 

[RGrew176]

A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

“What did you take?” his priest asked.

“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”

“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”

“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”

 

[RGrew176]

There was a man who couldn?t stand his wife?s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.

He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.

The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. ?This is impossible,? said the man to himself. ?tomorrow I?ll make sure he can?t come back!?

The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn ? right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.

A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It?s the husband, and he asks: ?Is the cat there?? ?Why, yes.? says the wife, ?he?s been here quite a while, where are you??

?Put that bastard on the phone, I?m lost and I need directions.?

 

[RGrew176]

A husband and wife were traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost 24 hours on the road, they’re felt too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

 

[RGrew176]

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

?It?s certainly not a ship,? he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, ?Tell me how long it?s been since you?ve had a cigarette??

?Ten years,? replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ?Och ? in the name of the wee man is that good!?

?And how long has it been since you?ve had a sip of good scotch?? she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, ?Ten years.? She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, ?Tis absolutely fantastic!?

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, ?And how long has it been since you?ve played around??

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, ?Oh, sweet Jesus! Don?t tell me you?ve got golf clubs in there too!?

 

[RGrew176]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming, Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ?Notice anything different about me??

Margaret looked him over, ?Nope.?

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ?Notice anything different NOW??

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, ?Bert, what?s different? It?s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it?ll be hanging down tomorrow.?

Furious, Bert yelled, ?AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT?S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET??

?Nope, Not a clue?, she replied.

?IT?S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT?S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!?

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, ?Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,

Shoulda bought a hat??

 

[RGrew176]

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what?s wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, ?I?m in love with a 22-year-old woman.?

?Well, what?s wrong with that?? asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, ?You don?t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.?

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. ?I don?t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying??

The senile old man answers, again through his tears: ?I can?t remember where I live!?

 

[RGrew176]

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”

“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband. “Take care of these things yourself!”

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”

He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.

“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”

“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”

 

[RGrew176]

A new business was opening and one of the owner?s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: ?Rest in Peace.?

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

?Sir, I?m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this ? somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

?Congratulations on your new location!?

 

[avenger79]

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

“Congratulations on your new location!”

that is sooo bad but soo funny at the same time

 

[RGrew176]

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist’s office to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles”, the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

“I can’t do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection”, the man said. “I’m fine with pills”.

The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet”.

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, “WOW, I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn’t”, said the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

 

[RGrew176]

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.

Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.

Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.

When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said:

?Dad, if you don?t stop fooling around, we won?t bring you next time.?

 

[RGrew176]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

?Of course, my son,? said the priest.

?Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.?

?That?s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,? said the priest.

?It?s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted,? continued the old man.

?Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk ? you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,? said the priest.

?Thanks, Father,? said the old man. ?That?s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question??

?Of course, my son,? said the priest.

The old man asked, ?Do I need to tell her that the war is over??

 

[RGrew176]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
?Why don?t you put your money where your mouth is,? he said.
?I will bet a week?s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won?t be able to wheel back.
?You?re on, old man,? the braggart replied. Let?s see you do it.?
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
?All right, dumbass, get in.?

 

[RGrew176]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told the cowboy, ?You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.?

The cowboy replied, ?Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we?d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I?m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.?

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, ?I don?t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.?

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.

?Oh, no, everybody?s just fine,? he explained. ?It?s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.?

?Hasn?t affected my brothers though.?