Everybody...

[Mark42]

"when your day is full...
and the night is yours alone...
and your sure you've had enought...

....

....

Dont let yourself go... Cause Everybody Cries...


Sometimes.....


Darn, lately I feel I am being pushed to the limit between my job and home. That song by REM got to me tonight. My wife is out with my 8yr old daughter (Brownies), and I am home with the "boys" me, Eric (4yrs) and Jamie (17yrs). I just got them both in bed.

fI have been working my hands and knees off every evening, knowing that the result will be a nice new floor for the hall and kitchen. I could never pay anyone to do this job for me. So I think how lucky I am to be able to do this myself. At my age its getting tought to do things fast. I do things at the pace of quality. I don't do fast.

So my Dad turns 78 and my Mom turns 76 this year. They are in good health. I hope they spend lots of time with my youngest kids this year.

I'm just having one of those moments where you suddenly evaluate you life and realize how fragile things really are.

I'm getting older, my beautiful wife and kids are getting older, my folks are getting older, my sister, brother and their kids are all getting older. I don't have enough hard drive to record it all. I try to burn it all on dvd. But I can't get the time to save it all.

Time just flies by. I try to slow it all down, but I can't. I have too many irons in the fire. I have home obligations, I am on call from work 24/7, I am doing a bathroom makover, a new kitchen floor, as well as garden work.

I get emails asking me to sell MFG brand boat emblembs. I just can't refuse these fellow MFG boat owners. But darn, I am so busy... I try to accomodate making them but the manual labor is well above the actual cost I charge. I hope the buyers realize that. Last time I had three people asking for emblems in the first two week of April alone.
now I have 12. I am so busy.

I was at my folks house a week ago, and I was suddenly taken back as the reality of time just slammed me in the face when I stepped back and looked at my parents and what their life has become. Not a bad turn, just the inevetable turn to being old.

Its just too much to see my folks walking on the beach holding the hand of my youngest. I have to take pictures and video. The kids probably won't remember this when they are older. And I have to keep the PC on in the car with the mobile broadband connection when we go play. just in case work calls ...

Sometimes I just want to slam on the brakes of lifel and make everything come to a halt so I can just step out of the picture and take my wife and kids to some better place. A place not so fast, not so expensive, not so rude, not so stressful.... But I can't.

I hope I stay in the best of health for my wife and kids. My wife is my world. My kids I will die for.

Just rambling......

Thanks for reading.

Mark

 

[azlakes]

Re: Everybody...

... dunno Mark sounds like life is pretty good for you and one darn fortunate man. dont analyze it to hard just enjoy it.

 

[Mark42]

Re: Everybody...

... dunno Mark sounds like life is pretty good for you and one darn fortunate man. dont analyze it to hard just enjoy it.

Thansk, I really do appreciate the sentiment. Things are hard all around. Lots of folks are out of work, I am lucky to get an annual raise.

I guess getting older ( I turn 50 in September) is getting on my nerves. I have an oler brother (54) and a younger sister (40) who all keep in close touch, and we all live within an hour of each other. And we all get along very well.

I just hate to see my parents getting old. I want my kids to spend as much time as possable with them. I remember all the summer vacations I spent with my grandparents and how wonderful it was (they were much younger back then than my parents are now). So I don't want my parents to die before my kids get to enjoy them. Too bad I had kids later in life.

Mark.

 

[Mark42]

Re: Everybody...

I guess I should'nt complain. Things could be worse.

I could be without my wife.

I could be without my kids.

I could be without my family.

I could more physically disabled than I am.

I could have no house.

I could not be able to provide for my family.

I could completely decompose like my friend who's 4 yr old son was killed by a car in front of his house...... It only took about 3 years, but he went eventually completely insane. Eventually lost his wife, kids, life, and is now in an institution. I too would find it unbearable to lose a child. I just can't imagine. What a total horror.

Anyway....

Things have been very tough. Not insane tough, but to the point that I spend all my "free" time maintaining my home and not enough time maintaining my wife and kids.

My job has almost pushed me over the edge, but I (read "my wife") was smart enough to see the warning signs . I saw my doctor and we talked for an hour about corporate America and how many corporate seniors he has on anti-stress mecication. He prescribed a common anti-stress drug and I took it for about 3 weeks until I realized my mind is just too numbed out and I stopped. I just could not think very "deep" into prograrm logic. Kept losing track of where I was. Time to stop. So I did.

I decided to "not give a sh*t" when the stuff hit the fan on the job. Things are much better when you let go. My boss says I have a job for life. Don't know if thats what I want.

I want to get to working on the hard top for my Bayliner. I want to spend August and September crusing the Long Island water ways. Maybe even visit TOMMAYS. He is my boating hero.

I want to let my kids spend a week or two with their Grandparents.

Anyway, I'm getting older, and life is not standing still for me.

Guess I just have to get used to it.

Know what I mean?

 

[Mark42]

Re: Everybody...

Just for reference, these are the lyrics to the REM song that got me started:

When the day is long,
And the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough, of this life,
Well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
'Cause everybody cries and everybody hurts, sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone,

If you feel like letting go

When you think you've had too much of this life,
Well hang on.

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.

Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own, in this life,
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much,
Of this life, hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.

**************************************************

I'll probably feel much better tomorrow.

Mark.

 

[JB]

Re: Everybody...

Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis to me, Mark.

Talk to your doctor about it.

 

[bjcsc]

Re: Everybody...

dont analyze it to hard just enjoy it.

Yeah, that's really the key.

I feel exactly the same as you do sometimes Mark. Watching your parents (and yourself) getting older, the dynamics of your extended family...pretty much exactly as you said it...I can't say it any better. For me, other people being less fortunate doesn't make me feel any better as it still is what is is. If you think about it long enough, you can really freak yourself out! So I try to do what azlakes said - just step back.

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."-Charlie Chaplin

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Everybody...

Well let me tell you that what you are going through is normal. So people do not have the intelligence to see what is happening and you are going through it with your eyes wide open. I consider that the smart way.

You have the right attitude.

Hand in there! We are on your side!

 

[chicknwing]

Re: Everybody...

Hang in there Mark. I had a similar crisis a few months ago, I felt like I had the black cloud of death hanging over my head. Everything was happening so fast and I didn't know how to deal with it. Once I sat down and talked to a very close friend and got it all off my chest I felt better and the cloud dissolved and turned to bright rays of sunshine.

I would say from your statements that your priorities are in the right order..family first, just keep your chin up your gonna do fine.

My mom had this banner in our kitchen while I was growing up and I still think of it when I get frustrated, maybe it will help you too.

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

 

[Mark42]

Re: Everybody...

Thanks for all the supportive comments.

Today is another day. I still have a cold, and still taking a decongestant Thats probably what kept me up all last night. Hardly slept a wink.

Anyway, I spent all morning playing with my son outside, and things are not so bad after all.

Thanks again,

Mark.

 

[External Combustion]

Re: Everybody...

Mark;

We are fortunate if we get to feel mortal before we die. It means that we have lived long enough to value the important things in life.

It sounds like you are indeed a fortunate man. May God bless you and yours. May there be many more days together in good health. May the good memories keep being created.

 

[Johnson110]

Re: Everybody...

Mark, I turned 50 this year, I lost my my brother while going through a divorce in 2000, Let me say this I have a wonderful fiancee now and we are both going to make the second half of our lives the best yet to come! Life has its ups and downs we just have to go with flow!

 

[Kenneth Brown]

Re: Everybody...

I'm only 33 and I feel your pain. Life expectancy on my moms side for men isn't long, most are dead in there early 30's with some making it to mid 50's. Having just had my 3rd child a few days ago it worries me something serious to think I may not make it to high school graduation. I promoted last year at work and its been a PITA although I just got a new Warden and shes great, maybe it'll smooth over nicely. Lots and lots of stuff running through my head all the time but I find I strive onstress. If I am stressed I can accomplish anything. I've never learned to do things at a slow pace. You'll make it buddy. Talk to us when you get that feeling.

 

[v1_0]

Re: Everybody...

And I have to keep the PC on in the car with the mobile broadband connection when we go play. just in case work calls ...
Mark

This is something that I have been thinking about for a while. I can remember as a child not having an answering machine. You would someone at home, if they didn't answer - you tried again later. Things were a bit slower, but worked pretty much as they do now.

Dinner was cooked on the stove or in the oven. Leftovers too. "TV dinners". We are talking at least 5 minutes for a can of soup, longer for other things. No microwave ovens at the time. Again, took a bit longer but other than that..

I accept that for certain professions time is of the essence - for the rest of us, it's more along the lines of slowly setting the treadmill faster without really thinking about why and when that is appropriate. Perhaps even more like an addiction.

I've heard the click of the crackberry's keyboard in the stall next to me. Seen people in meetings sending IM's and answering emails. Dodged parents talking on borgtooth headsets while dragging their children through the grocery store. I'm thinking that none of this is dictated by any external *need*.

Sometimes I just want to slam on the brakes of lifel and make everything come to a halt so I can just step out of the picture and take my wife and kids to some better place. A place not so fast, not so expensive, not so rude, not so stressful.... But I can't.

Any sudden changes in course and speed of our lives are liable to cause a lot of stress. But, maybe a little change at a time? Moving to a less expensive, less rude place would require... well.. moving. But I think that you can get to a less fast, less stressful place - that's based on internals more than externals.

-V

 

[puddle jumper]

Re: Everybody...

Mark what i would like to add is remeber to take time for youself. I know how you feal at times.