WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. You
> might need a tissue,,,,,,,,
> I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
> had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
> definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
> although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
> written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
> your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
> No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
> morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
> lightning'.
> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
> when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
> supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
> seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
> dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the
> opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about..
> I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always
> seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
> different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.
> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
> I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would
> bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
> enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
> might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
> the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
> of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I
> needed any help.
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
> reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
> dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
> will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but
> didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
> apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
> could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
> there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
> to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
> then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
> ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
> shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,
> and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
> cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
> explosion took place.
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
> because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
> in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock
> and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-
> *****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
> filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
> employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
> outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a
> stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
> on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
> My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
> escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
> shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
> manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
> with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
> and asked none too kindly not to return.
> Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
> day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because
> we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
> to have to repaint the store.
>still lmao from reading this
