Just got done with camp and was "checking in." This thread is a great thread! Why? Because it exemplifies the caring spirit. Ray, as MT said, your words are full of hope and promise. Yes, you experienced a traumatic event. You did well! You handled the situation in a great way (I am a firefighter, chaplain of my department, and trained in water rescue as well). I still remember my first accident scene ... I won't go into the details, but it was a horrific accident and I had to watch the driver die. Nothing I could do. I can give you the smallest detail. However, in time those details are not as difficult to deal with. The knowledge that you did something is what stays with you. You did something. Being able to talk about it helps put it behind you. Hang in there, Ray. You will come through this.
Most in the "business" of saving lives deal with it by dehumanizing the victim. There are a lot of jokes and stories that make the first responder seem like they don't care, but it is the way they protect themselves. When you are not faced with these situations daily you internalize it. That is not a bad thing. Hang in there and time and your support group (family, trusted friends, counselors, etc) will help you through this. You are okay. You are normal to have the feelings you are having. It is okay, and it will be okay. There are a lot of us that understand and have been where you are.
