levittownnick
Senior Chief Petty Officer
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2003
- Messages
- 789
Beer and the Wheel
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in
after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.
Author unknown
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in
after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately
to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.
Author unknown
But it is a bit confused, well off to get a beer and light the fire for the BBQ 8)