At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Little Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan".
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

John Kerry was scheduled to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it." Kerry pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, self absorbed, a hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low intelligence weasel. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen." The Cardinal continued; "He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's the Vietnam War."
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

DOH!<br /><br /><br />still funny though :D
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Bush walks into a bar<br />'<br />'<br />'<br />'<br />'<br /><br />and broke his arm
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened."
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.<br /><br />"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." <br /><br />She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" <br /><br />Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." <br /><br />"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" <br /><br />"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" <br /><br />Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." <br /><br />"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" <br /><br />"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" <br /><br />Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. <br /><br />"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb __s." <br /><br />Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb __s, It's Tony Blair!"
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?<br /><br />Are you ready for this?<br /><br />The Answer is SEVEN:<br /><br />(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;<br /><br />(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;<br /><br />(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;<br /><br />(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;<br /><br />(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;<br /><br />(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;<br /><br />(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." --Jay Leno<br /><br />"John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. He gave a speech, then Kerry introduced his retirement plan — his wife, Teresa." —Jay Leno<br /><br />"In an interview in Harper's Bazaar, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn't much care for the title 'first lady.' You know the way the campaign is going, I think you'll be OK. You got nothing to worry about." —Jay Leno<br /><br />"Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support her husband's healthcare plan. See I'm confused, I thought she was John Kerry's healthcare plan. And his economic plan, and his retirement plan. Am I wrong?" —Jay Leno<br /><br />"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said in a press conference that several of our major financial institutions are in danger of being hit by terrorists. When John Kerry heard about this, he immediately placed Teresa Heinz Kerry in an undisclosed location." —Jay Leno<br /><br />"Teresa Heinz Kerry has a book coming out. I believe it's called 'It takes a villa.'" —David Letterman<br /><br />"We're learning more and more about potential first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry. Very well educated woman. Did you know that? In fact she can say 'shove it' in five different languages." —Jay Leno<br /><br />"As you know Teresa Heinz Kerry has been taking criticism for telling a reporter to 'shove it' the other day ... Can you blame Teresa Heinz Kerry, really? I mean what's the point of having a billion dollars if you can't tell someone to 'shove it'?" —Jay Leno<br /><br />"Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine. John Kerry said he first noticed her when she was on the cover of another magazine, Fortune." —Jay Leno<br /><br />"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno<br /><br />"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno<br /><br />~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them."
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke."
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"Kerry and Edwards are taking a stroll around Capitol Hill when he meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.<br />Curiously, Kerry asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"<br /><br />She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.<br /><br />"How nice" says Kerry. "What kind are they?"<br /><br />The little girl says, "Democrats." <br /><br />Kerry smiles and pats the little girl on the head, and they continue on.<br /><br />About three weeks later, Kerry, walking around Capitol Hill with another Congressional colleague, sees the same little girl again with the same basket.<br /><br />Kerry says to his colleague, "Watch this; it's very cute". As they<br />approach the little girl. Kerry asks the girl, "How are the kittens?"<br /><br />She says, "Fine."<br /><br />He then asks, "Again, what kind of kittens are they?"<br /><br />This time she replies, "Republicans."<br /><br />Somewhat abashed, Kerry says, "Three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!"<br /><br />"I know," she says, "But now their eyes are open."
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb? <br />A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road? <br />A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the Children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. <br /><br />David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. <br /><br />"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. " <br /><br />The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" <br /><br />"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to Elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam."
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Bush Solves a Puzzle<br /><br />His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"
 

fixin

Senior Chief Petty Officer
Joined
Apr 23, 2004
Messages
775
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Bush the Post Turtle<br /><br />A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.<br /><br />The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"<br /><br />Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.<br /><br />The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."<br /><br />The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:<br /><br />"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb b#!tard get down."
 

12Footer

Fleet Admiral
Joined
Mar 25, 2001
Messages
8,217
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

Hey...Some of these are pretty dern good ! Keep them commin, Spratt. :D
emthup.gif
58.gif
 

SS MAYFLOAT

Admiral
Joined
May 17, 2001
Messages
6,372
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

An untold story of John Kerry before his life as a senator. With his predetermined mind to run for presidency in the future, he knew doing things for the little people would help him. So he built these neat little apartments for the little people. Low ceilings, counters, small furniture, and fixtures all for little people.<br /><br />Now that the apartments were finished and ready to be occupied, he invited all the little people to the grand opening. Kerry made a speech saying that there would be no rent or lease. He then pulled a rope to a cover hiding the sign displaying the aparments name "Kerrys Stay Free Mini Pads"
 

spratt

Lieutenant
Joined
Oct 13, 2004
Messages
1,461
Re: At the risk of losing friends, Kerry jokes are here!!!

He he he...thanks 12Footer...I think I will...it is rightly some kind of fun...and I just wanna remind y'all that I am doing this ONLY in fun!!! So please don't take me seriously...only that I already have voted for Mr. President Bush. That I am serious about:) Mail in ballots are great!!!
 
Top