Were we wrong?

[badams270]

On Monday evening, our sons friend shows up at our house. From the looks of him, someone beat the crap out of him. Turns out he and his dad had an agrument and he hit his son in the back of the head and in the forehead. He had a couple of good knots on his head. He is 14. This was very disturbing to me and my wife. After about an hour we decided we needed to get the police involved as this is not the first time he has been to our house like this. The police show up, take pictures and then leave. The kid stays with us for 2 days, not hearinr anything form anybody. My wife calls CPS to see what the status of his case was, and she gets this response; take him home immediately, if you don't you could be cited for parental interference. We took him home. Let me ask this question. Is it right that the kid needs to be thrown back into a abusive situation? Nothing was done to the father. Do you all remember the lady that slapped her kid in the walmart parking lot and got thrown in jail. This guy can beat his kid, leave knots on his head and nothing happens to him. Our system has some serious flaws.

 

[Vlad D Impeller]

Re: Were we wrong?

If you were going to get involved, perhaps you should've considered filing charges against the father when the police came, the police don't like being in the middle of family disputes, unless the injured party follows through with decisive legal action.

 

[jinx]

Re: Were we wrong?

Kids can be tough sometimes. However there is no flaming excuse for a grown man to beat a 14 year old.

With out knowing anything about the case I'll venture that you did the right thing, but the authorities are dropping the ball.

What state is this?

 

[Plainsman]

Re: Were we wrong?

You did the right thing. The police are at fault for not arresting the father. Had that been his wife, he would have been in jail that night. I agree the system is flupped up.

 

[badams270]

Re: Were we wrong?

we tried. the police could not find him. He just got his license suspended. This is not about us getting involved, its about a kid being abused and the police nor CPS cares. He stayed with us for 2 days. The dad is a alcoholic, with a no drinking clause attached to his probation and the police were looking for him because of a incident the day before. Isnt that considered assault? There is a difference between disciplining your kid, and beating your kid and leaving marks. If I went to the bar and got into a fight and hit someone I would be charged with assualt. We also have 14 year old and as much stupid stuff he does there is no reason to hit your kid in the head like you're beating up an adult. What happened to the so called child abuse laws? They have double standards for certain people.

 

[badams270]

Re: Were we wrong?

We are in Oregon. It really upset my wife that we had to take him home. He is scared to death of his dad, and what he will do to him because we had the police come over and talk to him.

 

[QC]

Re: Were we wrong?

You did the right thing and I hope you would do it again. My wife came from an abusive/negligent home and I am thinking seriously about becoming foster parents when our youngest (11) is a little older. We all need to try our best to make a difference, and I commend you for doing so. "F" the system, right is right.

 

[badams270]

Re: Were we wrong?

You know whats sad though. What will CPS say when they find out that this kid has been killed or in a coma or something to that extreme. Only then will the take him to jail. I have lost all respect for CPS and the Bend police department for not helping this kid out. CPS told us that his dad will not allow him back over to our house. That just tells me that he will most likely do it again and doesn't want any trouble when he does do it.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Were we wrong?

It just doesn't seem right - and I have a friend that is being hounded by CPS because he used a paddle to discipline his daughter on her backside. She told a teacher that he beat her with a paddle, and now they get weekly visits and check the daughter out thoroughly each time for bruising (and have told him to only use a hand, not a foriegn object????). CPS just doesn't make sense at times ...

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Were we wrong?

After raising 3 teens, I learned one thing,,,,,,,,,don't believe everything they say! By the actions of the LEOs tells me they know this kid and or family.

Keep in mind if the father didn't know where his son is, the father could have filled a missing child report and guess who would be in trouble?

There is bound to be more of this story than you know. You only know what the 14 year old told you.

If the boy really needs help and or if YOU want to help,,,,,then call the school and let them have a look at the kid. They have more power of having CPS do something. My son did that one time when he got into a fight at school. He told the teacher that I did it to take the attention away from the fight he had a school. CPS was at my door that evening wanting answers. Turns out he was mad at me for not being willing to pay for his drivers education classes. This is a way he was trying to get back at me.

I'm glad those teen years are over,,,,,,,,,,,now the wife and I are looking at watching the 9+ grandkids becoming teens to raise havoc on their parents. Payback time will soon be here.

Good luck on the situation

 

[JB]

Re: Were we wrong?

I think you did the right thing, Badams, based on what info you had.

You do not have enough hard info to go further with it.

LEOs and CPS people get a lot of flack from people who have only part of the truth to work with. Yes, they screw up sometimes but I think it is to persecute innocent parents more often than to let abuse continue.

They are the rescuers. Let them do their jobs.

 

[12Footer]

Re: Were we wrong?

"Were you wrong??????" God bless you and anyone else who interupts child abuse.
I was abused in the same way when I was a child. (proly why i am so crazy today) -- but all jokes aside, I can only fantasize about a life without the constant beatings... Nobody interupted such "activities" in those days, and too-seldom do they these days.
My only saviour was my mother, and her intervention was limitted. She wasn't always around and he knocked her around for doing so a time or two.
Thanks to you, the incident you reported is now a documented record of abuse. It is now a race between the "parents' " days of freedom and the child's ability to duck and cover. May God grant him the agility to win that vital race.

 

[aspeck]

Re: Were we wrong?

I think you did the right thing, Badams, based on what info you had.

You do not have enough hard info to go further with it.

LEOs and CPS people get a lot of flack from people who have only part of the truth to work with. Yes, they screw up sometimes but I think it is to persecute innocent parents more often than to let abuse continue.

They are the rescuers. Let them do their jobs.

Thank-you JB, for putting my story in perspective. I guess that is what I really wanted to say, but because it is such an emotional issue, sometimes it is hard to stay rational! When kids are involved, it is always emotional.

 

[valkyr]

Re: Were we wrong?

Is the mom of this kid around? Do you know much about her? If so maybe you should CAUTIOUSLY broach the subject with her...kind of feel her out to see if she defends her husband or if she wants to talk. If she's abused and scared she may make things worse, but if shes abused and ready for help that might be the way to go.

Another thing to do is to make friends with the parents. Invite them to a cookout. Might make you sick to think about the abuse, but try to see past it to the underlying problem(s). Abuse is a symptom of a larger problem. Alcoholism is a symptom of an underlying problem. Chances are the guy feels out of control and may be looking for that proverbial ray of hope. Do you guys goto church? If so, invite them to go with you after you have gotten acquainted. (Inviting them to church out of the blue would probably be a little suspect

I know this sounds soft and mushy but I have a severely alcoholic uncle and I see the struggles he goes through. He's never been abusive AFAIK but it wouldn't take much and he's a muscular guy. He went sober for about 15 years and then fell off the wagon...HARD. he's sober again now and a totally different person.

Involvement is the biggest key to this. And perhaps there is more to this story. Perhaps the kid didn't get hit by his father but you'll only know after getting to know the people a bit better.

HTH
-Chris

 

[badams270]

Re: Were we wrong?

Well, this was the second time he has been to our house for a extended period of time due to his dad kicking him out of the house. True, I don't know the other side of the story. But, when a kids shows up at my door with a ripped shirt and a couple of knots on his head and shaking because he's scared I wnat to try and help him. I think the system has soured me on the way they do things. And the next time he comes over scared I will probably just turn him away because we can't do anything to help. As much as I would like to choke my 14 year old sometimes, you can't. There seems to be better ways to deal with him, that hurt him where it reallys hurts. NO movies, friends, Ipod, computer, etc.. We tried our best to get this kid some help, and failed. I have thought about sending his dad an invoice for the cost of housing him, giving him lunch money, showers, meals, etc..

And for his mother, the kid told us that she is in Washington state somewhere and has a bad drug problem. That is why he's with his dad. But, the dad has a NO drinking clause in his probation, and that night he should have went back to jail for violating his probation. Of course he would not answer the door. And his license is suspended for DUI. I fell for the kid, but we did all we could. Hopefully, nothing serious comes from his father in the future.

 

[Tail_Gunner]

Re: Were we wrong?

There is no other side to any story, when a grown man or woman beats a child, it end's there. Tough luv some people call it, more like slight retardation on the adult's side, and no matter what anyone say's the adult's are over there head's here. All parties need help, children first, they are the future not the past.

 

[Plainsman]

Re: Were we wrong?

Well, this was the second time he has been to our house for a extended period of time due to his dad kicking him out of the house. True, I don't know the other side of the story. But, when a kids shows up at my door with a ripped shirt and a couple of knots on his head and shaking because he's scared I wnat to try and help him. I think the system has soured me on the way they do things. And the next time he comes over scared I will probably just turn him away because we can't do anything to help. As much as I would like to choke my 14 year old sometimes, you can't. There seems to be better ways to deal with him, that hurt him where it reallys hurts. NO movies, friends, Ipod, computer, etc.. We tried our best to get this kid some help, and failed. I have thought about sending his dad an invoice for the cost of housing him, giving him lunch money, showers, meals, etc..

And for his mother, the kid told us that she is in Washington state somewhere and has a bad drug problem. That is why he's with his dad. But, the dad has a NO drinking clause in his probation, and that night he should have went back to jail for violating his probation. Of course he would not answer the door. And his license is suspended for DUI. I fell for the kid, but we did all we could. Hopefully, nothing serious comes from his father in the future.

Please don't turn him away. You are a safe haven to him. Call the police right away, but don't turn him away. Maybe call the state police, but be there for him if needed.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Were we wrong?

I told my wife about this story. She works in a ER and witnesses lots of abuse of children.

Her suggestion is when he shows up with signs of being abused, take him to the hospital. They have so much more pull on getting the LEOs to do something. A doctors report of abuse is much stronger than anybody. Even the teachers at school by law has to report abuse if it is suspected. All the kid has to do is show the marks to the teacher.

 

[rmmpe]

Re: Were we wrong?

You were certainly NOT wrong.
As far as I go, I would have a hard time backing away form this. But I have a very combative nature.

What you were told about the kid not coming to your house and parental interference is a Crock. The Father would have to be the one making the complaint and I don't see him doing this, which would just invite trouble.

Stay on the side of your morals. It's all too rare these days.

God bless.

 

[Windykid]

Re: Were we wrong?

If the hospital and CPS wont help, take him to a church.

Also figure out just how far you are willing to go to help a child.


God bless!