Wednesday Funny.

POINTER94

POINTER94

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25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP <br /><br />1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. <br />2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. <br />3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. <br />4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. <br />5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. <br />6. You watch the Weather Channel. <br />7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. <br />8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. <br />9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." <br />10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door <br /> won't turn down the stereo. <br />11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. <br />12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. <br />13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. <br />14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers <br />15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. <br />16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. <br />17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. <br />18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather <br /> than settle your stomach. <br />19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and <br /> pregnancy tests.<br />20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." <br />21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. <br />22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to <br /> drink that much again." <br />23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. <br />24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. <br />25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that<br />doesn't apply to <br /> you..........and can't find a single one to save your sorry old ***
 
G

gaugeguy

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Re: Wednesday Funny.

Originally posted by tylerin:<br />My wife is right!!!! I'll never grow up ;)
Click to expand...
Got a bumper crop going? ;) <br /><br />Bring on the funnies, everyone needs them today!
 
SpinnerBait_Nut

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Wednesday Funny.

"Driving Rules"<br /> <br />1.) If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light,<br /> it is okay to proceed through the intersection,<br /> regardless of the current color of the light.<br /> <br />2.) The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a<br /> Porsche.<br /> <br />3.) If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you<br /> automatically have the right of way, regardless<br /> of the situation. This is especially, applicable<br /> in parking lots.<br /> <br />4.) Get to know your horn. Use it as often as<br /> possible.<br /> <br />5.) While driving on the freeway and talking on your<br /> cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.<br /> This is especially effective if driving in the fast<br /> lane.<br /> <br />6.) Every lane is the suicide lane.<br /> <br />7.) For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars.<br /> Honest.<br /><br />8.) If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.<br /> You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll<br /> make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be<br /> sure to throw random items out of your window. It<br /> will give the reporters something to talk about on<br /> the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.<br /> <br />9.) Never use your turn signal, unless of course you<br /> are on the freeway with no intention of merging.<br /> <br />10.) Totally disregard on-coming traffic.<br /> <br />11.) In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can<br /> not drive in any sort of precipitation.<br /> <br />12.) While driving uphill, do not down shift. While<br /> driving downhill, ride your brakes.<br /> <br />13.) When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set<br /> the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable<br /> the alarm, and put The Club on your steering<br /> wheel.<br /> <br />14.) On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the<br /> center divider as a passing lane.
 
SpinnerBait_Nut

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Wednesday Funny.

"'F' is for Absence"<br /> <br />Little Jimmy stared at his test paper. The big red<br />"F" stared back at him.<br /> <br />Sammy looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why<br />did you get such a low grade on that test?"<br /> <br />"Because of an absence," Jimmy answered.<br /> <br />"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?"<br />he questioned.<br /> <br />Little Jimmy replied, "No, but Shirley who usually<br />sits next to me was."
 
SpinnerBait_Nut

SpinnerBait_Nut

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Re: Wednesday Funny.

"Smart As A Brick"<br /> <br />While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed<br />several students on their hands and knees assessing<br />the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.<br /> <br />"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.<br /> <br />"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen<br />ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this<br />courtyard."<br /> <br />"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we<br />were out of earshot of the freshmen.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /> <br />The guide replied simply, "One."
 
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