Truly rotten father-in-law

[LubeDude]

Reading Bassys "Sibling Rivalry", Made me think about my Father-in-law.<br /><br />He is the most selfish, unloving, self centered person I have ever been around in my entire life. Knowone in the family except one daughter will even talk to him. His own grand kids will not even visit him.<br /><br />My wife stuck it out as long as she could, but now has nothing to do with him either.<br /><br />The last straw, (after taking us several times over the years for seveal thousands of dollars), his own family, was when we were on a vacation up into Canada and had planned to go down through Idaho and visit him and go four wheeling. It was a special time for my wife as it is the only thing she likes to do with her dad. We were near the Idaho boarder and called him that night to let him know we were almost there and would meet him in the morning to go four wheeling. He said he was going to bring a girl freind. He didnt ask if it was allright with us, he just decided to do it. My wife ask him not to as she just wanted to spend quality time with her Dad with just us, as she knew he would be an A*s with another woman around.. He had a fit and the only thing that he heard was that she was trying to tell him what he could and couldnt do. She tried and tried to explain to him how she felt and wanted quality time with him as she never gets to see him much and hadnt seen him for two years and he insisted on bringing her. She finnally said, "fine, If she is more important than me he you ride with her". We went right on by and havnt seen him since. He has gotten into the pockets of every kid (five) except the one girl, who has never had any finacial dealings with him because she dosnt have a pot to (well you know), She thinks the whole family is being redicules. He never visits, calls, writes letters, or ever apoligises for anything and thinks he has never ever done wrong. And he goes to church, and claims Christianity.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Dang LD, sounds like a leech or a sponge to me. That type deserves to be alone. I know a few around here are that way. Won't do anything to help anyone, but they get mad when nobody wants to help them. Does this person hold a job, or does he have problems keeping a job. Sounds like the type that doesn't want to work.<br /><br />Does the offering at church becomes lighter after it has passed him? If so, that is probably why he goes. Your doing right by shunning him in my opinion. Good luck friend..

 

[mellowyellow]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

while I sypathize LD, if the goal was to spend<br />time with her dad, why did a "girlfriend" stop it?<br />somebody has to be the grown-up, but I guess niether<br />one chose that path....

 

[Bassy]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Oh boy, oh boy. I feel for you and your wife especially. I have no advice, but understand the type of person you're dealing with. My Dad is similar without the financial stuff. Do what your gut tells you. It sounds like your wife told him what was on her mind and that's important. Then she can say that she had her say. <br />Bassy

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Symahize with you Lubedude... I doubt that there's a family out there that does'nt have a "rotten apple" like that... <br /><br />Your wife's gut reaction was probably the right one, as first thought is usually the correct one... <br /><br />Sooner or (usually) later they end up realizing that being that way just is'nt the way to be... Unfortunately, when they do finally see the light it's usually too late...

 

[LubeDude]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Had this been the first time something like that had happened, it would be concidered childish, and Im sure she would have gotten over it by now, but none of the kids feel that they matter or feel special, and that just put the Icing on the cake. I called her a girl freind which implied that he had known her for awhile, when in fact, he had just met her.<br /><br />He is retired now, and is somewhat of a sponge. My wifes mom just woke up one morning and packed an overnight bag and left him just before there 50th wedding aniversary. She finaly had had enough. I mean she didnt even take anything. When we ask her why she didnt take anything, she said, "I dont want anything that will remind me of him at all". He was verbally abusive, I mean bad, right in front of others he would put her down. Its taken me about twenty years telling my wife that she isnt worthless to finaly get her to beleive it, all the kids have very low self esteme. When we used to visit years ago, I came within seconds of putting my fist into his face more than i care to count. I held back because of my wife. I do not care if i ever see him again either. <br /><br />I worked for him for a week one time, He used to own a welding shop and I was out of work one time. He had had some sergury on his arm and needed someone to finish some projects in his shop that he had started. He told me that if i would come over that he would give me all the money less materials if I would just get him caught up. The way I am, I told my wife that if he paid me it would just be a bonus so we went over, I caught him up, and when it came time for use to go home, he just said "by", and shut the door. Never paid me, never paid me for gas to drive there, nothing. Not only did he not pay me, but it cost me money I didnt have to go there in the first place. Talk about using someone. I never got mad about it because I knew it was going to happen anyway. My wife had a good time with her mother, and that was fine.

 

[Bassy]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

It sounds like you've made a good decision to distance yourselves from him. If he just makes your wife feel bad she needs to avoid him or tell him off and tell him how he makes her feel. Has she been able to do that? It seems easy to give advice doesn't it? Heck, I need to tell my Dad a few things. Thanks for posting. Its good to know we're not alone out here.<br />Bassy<br />If your wife needs someone to talk to who understands what that childhood is like, she can e-mail me: bassy123456@yahoo.com

 

[LubeDude]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

About two weeks after we got back from that trip, my wife wrote how she felt in a letter, expaining everything in detail and why she wanted to just have it be only us on the ride as well as other issues. Then she called him to se if he understood. All he would say was that he wasnt about to have anyone tell him what to do and that he couldnt invite whoever he wanted. There was no undrstanding whatsoever. I was on the other line and he never knew i was there. It was truely pathetic, my wife was in tears, and he still couldnt understand what it was that she wa trying to tell him. I do not think he every really got it. It seemed to me that he wasnt listening at all, and that he was just waiting for her to stop talking so he could. He has no compasion and truly has no understanding of the word love.

 

[Ross J]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Now your wife is hurting and you need to see to that. She has many issues to work through to come to grips with all the bad things that have occured because of her father. However you help her achieve this will cost you in some way! It will pay dividends though in the long run because it will bring you both even closer togeather. It sounds like she couldn't wish for a better partner through all this.<br />Her writing a letter is a good idea cause it allows her to tell him all she has to without his interrupting. She'll be able to vent without feeling she'll be put down. A control freak like that feels like he's loosing it so becomes even more aggro in his approach, however later when they're alone there's usually a time when they turn to tears also.<br />It's also possible he's suffering from an illness and I'd keep that in mind as well.<br />Help your wife write that letter and express all the feelings she can, anger, love, hurt, respect, loss and grief.<br />Good luck<br />Ross

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

No one has said how old this man is.<br />After 50 years of marriage or there about, I wonder how old he is.<br /><br />The age might have something to do with it also.

 

[LubeDude]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

He has always been this way, he is in his early seventies now, but when he first got to me he was in his early 50s. He hasnt changed a bit. A woman is just there to waite on a man, they get no respect and do not deserve any. I suppose that is the way he was raised to a point, But now being a "Chritian", he should understand what Love means.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

okie dokie, I will shut up now.<br />Just thought maybe it started in his later years.<br />Sorry to have interrupted your thread.

 

[PW2]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

One thing you learn in life is that you can only make choices for yourself. You cannot make choices, or force others, to see things like you do. <br />Blaming them, or trying to change them, is wasted effort.<br />I've got similar stories about my father. We finally figured out how to deal with it. When we would stop by, it would always be unannounced, and we would always be on our way somewhere else. That way, when we knew it was time to go, I could always look at my watch--say "Whoops, we are going to be late" and be out the door.<br />So it goes. Trying to change him, guilt him, or in any other way trying to modify his behavior, was a useless, frustrating excercise.

 

[FLATHEAD]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

MY Father in law is a real turd too. He is a lying cheat that never grew up. Spent his time in his 20's being drunk, till he almost got killed in an accident. He won a huge settlement of 750 thousand dollars, and went on disability. Then he switched from drinking to gambling. He spent all the money and was in hock to the casinos for almost 50,000 more. He tapped his father for ten of thousands too. His side of the family made it seem that all was well, still do,, they enabled him just to keep it quiet what he was up too. That is the Mennonite way Mother inlaw left him. He started to come around here and lie about the gambling. He knew better and knew what he needed to do to stop. He choose not to. The family has had no contact with him for 20 years now. The low life wont even send his grandkids a birthday or Christmas card. <br /><br />To add insult to injury The guy collects disability and works every day at the local junkyard under the table The day his mother dies, (she is now 90) Is the day I turn him in for Social security fraud!!!! <br /><br />I could go on and on. So LD your FIL might not be as bad as you think.

 

[LubeDude]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Things can always be worse, At least he lives a full days drive away.<br /><br />No problem SBN, You didnt HiJack anything. There is always room for S B N!!

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Originally posted by LubeDude:<br /> Things can always be worse, At least he lives a full days drive away.

Step out back door and step in his front door here.

 

[ae708]

Re: Truly rotten father-in-law

Lucky me... my inlaws are in Greece.They came to visit once, criticized everything American until I finally asked them to leave. Came to stay for a month, lasted 2 weeks before I sent them home with my wife's blessing.