heycods
Captain
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2005
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For your entertainment......<br /><br /><br /> COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO<br /><br />Austin American Statesman<br /><br />Don't bag a Republican; they're too hard to clean<br /><br />Tuesday, February 14, 2006<br /><br />You've got to wonder how a major world leader like **** Cheney could<br />mistake a Republican lawyer for a game bird.<br /><br />On Saturday, the vice president accidentally shot wealthy Austin<br />attorney Harry Whittington as they hunted quail on a ranch in South<br />Texas. Whittington, 78, who got peppered in the face with birdshot, is<br />recovering and joking about it. He must be a tough old bird.<br /><br />Which makes me wonder. For deer, hunters put out deer corn. When your<br />quarry is a Republican, what do you put out? Piles of cash?<br /><br />Liberals would say this is not the first time Republicans shot at the<br />wrong target. Cheney plugged the wrong country, Iraq, so why wouldn't he<br />plug the wrong critter?<br /><br />But the larger question is this: How do you get a Republican attorney<br />mixed up with a quail? They aren't that difficult to tell from each<br />other. The quail is the one in the feathers. The Republican is the one<br />in the ostrich-feather boots.<br /><br />Then again, you can understand how this sort of thing could happen<br />because we all know how the Republicans feel when it comes to certain<br />species of attorneys. Maybe Cheney thought Whittington was a trial<br />attorney.<br /><br />You know how you get rid of all the trial attorneys? Tell the<br />Republicans that the season on them starts tomorrow, and there's a bag<br />limit of four. <br /><br />Now about this business of hunting Republicans. I don't know why Cheney<br />would want to bag one of his own kind. Republicans are hard to gut and<br />clean, and you can't find anybody to process them, except maybe Ronnie<br />Earle. Besides, it looks funny to have something dressed in an $800 suit<br />from Capra & Cavelli strapped to the hood of your truck.<br /><br />Of course, we shouldn't be surprised Cheney plunked the wrong pigeon,<br />because part of this administration's track record is bringing down the<br />wrong game. Remember when George W. went dove hunting years ago and<br />brought down a protected killdeer? Maybe he thought it was a cow.<br /><br />The other trouble with bagging a Republican is finding a taxidermist to<br />do the head mount for over your fireplace.<br /><br />"Oh, come on now; I can't give you an estimate," said Adriana Martinez,<br />manager of Martinez Brothers Taxidermy on South Lamar Boulevard, when I<br />asked her what it would cost for a Republican head mount. A deer head,<br />which I figure is about the size of a Republican noggin, runs about $495<br />to $695, she added.<br /><br />Oh well, I wouldn't want a Republican for my den anyway, or any other<br />taxidermied critter, come to think of it. I find it disturbing that when<br />the job is done, only a small percentage of the mount is the actual<br />animal.<br /><br />In the case of a Republican mount, I imagine the only authentic parts<br />left would be the wallet and the riding lawn mower.
