Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

[Bubba1235]

Sat with a neighbor/friend last night and listened to him explain how his 14 year old's grades have gone from straight "A"s to ""C"s in one semester and how its the influence of a new "friend". The two have also been caught in some other minor problems when together. Normally I'd say, tend to your own child but this is the thrid or forth person I've heard the same thing from.

I suggested he talk to the kids parents and simply tell them thier child is not welcome in their home and he doesn't want them together outside the home but he balked at it and said, "That will cause a lot of resentment". Keep in mind this is in a town of less than 100 souls. The family moved in late last fall. I replied, "Wouldn't matter to me, my kid is more important than some ruffled feathers". He of course said "That's easy for you to say, you don't live in town and don't have kids at home". I have to admit he is right, I don't but I still say telling the parents straight out is the best way to handle it.

Thoughts???

 

[tpenfield]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Parenting does look different from a distance. . .

I would not do the direct approach as you had suggested. . .

. . . as an alternative approach, I would address the issue with my kid regarding the grades, etc. and take steps to make sure there is enough time to do homework, etc. This would in turn take away from time that the 2 kid friends can be together. That should create some separatation, which is what you would want in the first place, it just comes as a by product of something else that does not offend anyone.

Basically, I've been there, done that.

My $0.02

 

[kfa4303]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Well "C's" won't cut it anywhere in the world now, or ever again. AVERAGE IS OVER!!! I don;t care if you live in a town of 100, or 10,000,0000, forget everyone's "feelings", etc... and do what's right by your kid, which is to ensure they get the best education possible. If they hate you for it, fine. They can hate your from Harvard. You think Amy Chua and the other Tiger mom's out there give two-s@#ts about the neighbor kids feelings, or their own? Hell no! Unless you want a C-grade kid at a time when they will have to compete with the entire planet of other students for the few remaining decent jobs, you are doing them a disservice by allowing them to spend time with someone who is a negative influence. Trust me I know. I'm in the process of applying to medical school and I can't even get a school to talk to me despite having a 3.9 GPA, 100's of hours of volunteering and great letters of recommendation. Why? Because it's me vs. every kid in the US, Canada, UK, India and China all of whom want to come here to go to school. The days of having fun in school while you're a kid are over. Sorry, but it's true. Tell that kid to hit the books now, or he's gonna be raking yards and slinging hammers for the rest of his life. Need more evidence, I got another rejection today as a matter of fact. Guess how many kids applied for 100 slots..................6,600!!!!!!!! That means you have to be in the top 1-2%, or forget about it. Think about that next time you consider letting them slide by with C's. Just my $.02

 

[drrpm]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

A couple points: If the kid is a just a generic poor influence, but not really bad it may be better to let him interact with your child at your home under supervision. If you try to directly prevent then from seeing each other, the allure of the prohibited will be added and when they do get together it will be unsupervised and more likely to lead to mischief. Also, maybe you can provide a positive influence on the bad kid.

Regarding the fact that C's won't cut it any more, that's correct. However, with the Enron style accounting used by many teachers now it barely takes more than a pulse to get a C. I have 3 children and currently 1 is in college, 1 high school and 1 in middle school so I see this. Medical school is tough to get into, but really no harder now than it has been over the last 30 years. Getting in is mainly grades + MCATS and if they don't match grade inflation is a frequent culprit. All the letters, volunteer work etc. mean little without the 2 main determinates. The 25th anniversary of my medical school graduation is in May and I've worked at teaching hospitals for the last 18 years so I have a good idea of how that works.

 

[Fishing Dude too]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Like I did when my son was growing up. Told his friend to go tell his parents they wanted him, he came back and said they didn't want him. So started including him in things we did, soon he changed

 

[jigngrub]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

I would address the issue with my kid regarding the grades, etc. and take steps to make sure there is enough time to do homework, etc.

The above is the solution. Leave the new kid out of it, it may not be him.

Deal with your own children.

The entire new family probably feel like outcasts anyway moving into a small town, and issuing bans and complaints against them will further alienate them. Instead of banning the kid, someone should take up some time with him and take him out fishing and boating and make him feel welcome. I lived in a couple of small towns in the midwest when I was growing up and it was tough being an "outsider" and the "new kid".

 

[buildmark]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Dr. Phill has talked about this type thing before. He is against parents being their kids friends and says they need to be parents first. He says that you take things away from the child as punishment if you need to. He says that legally you are only required to supply a bed, clothes and food for them. He says leave a mattress on the floor in their room and take away their computer, tv, video games, phones, etc.... and no social life, and don't give any of it back until they bring their grades back up.

what helps is if both parents are on the same page with how to handle their teen(s).

 

[Silly Seville]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

...legally you are only required to supply a bed, clothes and food for them.

Uh, don't forget the law requires you to provide them an "education" as well. I'll refrain from waxing poetic about how THAT is a contributing factor in the misbehavior of young people!

 

[jigngrub]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Dr. Phill has talked about this type thing before. He is against parents being their kids friends and says they need to be parents first. He says that you take things away from the child as punishment if you need to. He says that legally you are only required to supply a bed, clothes and food for them. He says leave a mattress on the floor in their room and take away their computer, tv, video games, phones, etc.... and no social life, and don't give any of it back until they bring their grades back up.

what helps is if both parents are on the same page with how to handle their teen(s).

That is the perfect recipe for making a "runaway" teenager that won't even be in school when he leaves, what kind of grades do you think he'll make then?

Dr. Phil and his followers need to get in touch with reality.

 

[southkogs]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

It's a bigger conversation than a post, and there are other considerations why I might not in EVERY situation do this ....

But I have ABSOLUTELY no problem stopping interaction between my kids and another kid.

... like I said, not for every situation. In the case you mention Bubba, I might be inclined just to limit interaction just to with my whole family so I can see/influence. Radar would be turnin' though.

 

[NYBo]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

A lot is going on in the life of every 14 year old (hormones, etc.), so it's hard to nail down causation (especially on an Internet forum). Lots of interesting stuff offered here, Bubba, and it's worth suggesting to your friend.

 

[rivermouse]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

My question is does your kid have a cell phone? If the answer is yes (and I bet it is) How much time does he spend on it now compared to to this time last year.. I think you may see a relationship between the grades going down and net time going up. See if he will let you check his phone . The new kid may be just one of several reasons for the grade issues. Tell him the amount of time he is allowed to play with the phone will go down as his grades do. If the grades go up so will his allowed cell phone use....

 

[ajgraz]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Kids are dumb, it's true. But they are still people with psychologies, meaning they won't change unless they want to.

I got each of my kids to "shed" an undesirable friend or two simply by showing them said friends' older brother, or mother, or whomever relative, and saying "is that what you want to be?"

 

[86 century]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

That is the perfect recipe for making a "runaway" teenager that won't even be in school when he leaves, what kind of grades do you think he'll make then?

Dr. Phil and his followers need to get in touch with reality.

This is the kind of fear of your kids that had put us in the shape we are in now.

My kids know what is expected of them. I give them 1 b per report card.
Any more and they loose somthing till the grades come up.
Yes I am the mean dad that keeps score and does all the other stuff the kidless experts say I shouldent.

 

[jigngrub]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

This is the kind of fear of your kids that had put us in the shape we are in now.

My kids know what is expected of them. I give them 1 b per report card.
Any more and they loose somthing till the grades come up.
Yes I am the mean dad that keeps score and does all the other stuff the kidless experts say I shouldent.

You need to reread Buildmarks post.

I agree with taking away one thing at a time when a kid slips, I also believe in rewarding when they do exceptional.

... but to take away everything all at one time and give them a mattress on the floor, yeah... that'll work.

Your kids should love and respect you, but if you're too harsh the love and respect will turn into loathing and fear and there's only so much of that a kid will take. They'll either leave or end their lives... or worse than that, they'll take your life.

I left a harsh homelife before I completed the 10th grade and cut of all contact completely with my family for 10 yrs. I really do wish it didn't have to be that way, but things did work out for the better.

 

[puddle jumper]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

I have never picked my kids friends. I believe that kids need to live there life and meet different people along the way . When a parent start picking there kids friends problems start.


What I think your friend needs to do is get to know the kid in question. I bet they will find hes not as bad as made out. He can also guide him from a distance. It take a village to raise a child.

As for the grades he needs to have a good sit down with his son and explain his expectations.

 

[Bigprairie1]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

...simply tell them thier child is not welcome in their home and he doesn't want them together outside the home but he balked at it and said, "That will cause a lot of resentment". Keep in mind this is in a town of less than 100 souls.
Thoughts???

This attitude shows a lack of confidence and conviction and an over concern about the status quo's watchful eyes. This is unfortunately the hallmark of many 'modern' parents.
Worrying about what kids might do if you set fixed/hard rules that include true disciplinary measures (OMG)......or worrying about what the neighbourhood parents think is unlikely to bring this guy and certainly his kids any long term success.
If this guys son steps over the line (again?) he should be aware of discipline coming his way....I'm pretty sure that shouldn't mean 'time outs'.
What ever happened to the 'ol wood shed approach? Was it all bad?...it seems to be me it set a lot of young men (include some Iboaters?) on a better path growing up with often a slightly fond backstory of their parents and/or grandparents
BP

 

[woodsyfeller]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

Heres a suggestion when you are doing things as a family or with your son invite the problem kid to come along and interact with him.chances are if you get to know him at a personal level you will probally have better sucess in commuticating with him.

Try to get the know the parents of the problem child invite them on outtings ect.If you live in a small town like I do ,chances are everyone knows everyones kid.I tell the parents in matter of fact statement if I see your kid doing something wrong or stupid I will yell or interact with them and let them know their behavior will not be tolerated and on the same note if you see my kid doing something stupid or wrong please return the favor and yell or interact with my child.I wont physically touch anyone elses child but I have no problem correcting behavior. The phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" is very true.

Also if the child does come from a "bad" family it would probaly do him good to be hanging out at your house.All my sons/daughters friends that come to visit know they are welcome if they behave correctly in my home .Being direct and letting the kids know you are the adult and you set the rules tends to stop issues before they become issues.

If the problem child is a POS bad influence and is no good and youve taken the time to actually getting to know the kid on a personal level just tell your own child to stay away from them.

 

[86 century]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

I expect a lot out of my kids but I also give a lot.

My kids are the spoiled ones.
They also know that dads word is law(unless mom is around).
If I haft to tell them somthing needs done its to late.

A good example is when we take the boat out it is there job to get all the stuff from the truck in the boat in the stageing area.
My job is to take care of the boat.
If we get out on the water and they forgot somthing they do without for the day.
When they bring friends along they are responsible for letting the friend know there duties.


I push myself and those around me to be the best you can at whatever you are doing.
It doesnt matter if I am driveing to the boat ramp or rideing a wakeboard.
Growing up my dad had some real nice saying
I you haft to cheat then I have already won
Winning isn't everything but loosing sucks

 

[Maclin]

Re: Telling another parent, "Your child is not welcome".

I have experienced this a few times. Each time I first wanted to just send them home, but usually resisted unless there was a safety issue involved. By way if including the friend in our activities AND making sure they understood that our values would be observed the situation usually improved. In most cases this worked, actually all cases where the other child was a real friend that our kids liked. Our house usually became the one kids wanted to come over to, so it can be a positive experience for all.

Keep in mind that this is a perception thing, I think sometimes my kids were the problem children at other's houses. With one family it seemd our 2 boys would always turn into total mean minded buttheads when together so we mutually agreed to keep them apart outside of school. It felt strange that we could not get thru that one, but we were pretty sure it was an age/phase kind of thing.