A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's <br />dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.<br />Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX<br /><br /><br />At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.<br />Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA<br /><br /><br />One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five <br />minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."<br />Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada<br /><br />I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your <br />right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was <br />silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing <br />there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.<br />Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA<br /><br /><br />During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of <br />places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see ... yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! <br />Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.<br />Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA<br /><br /><br />While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."<br />Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR><br /><br />I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked <br />to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."<br />Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI<br /><br /><br />A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and <br />wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate <br />surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there <br />was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, <br />which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
