Sibling rivalry

[Bassy]

Does it ever get any easier? <br /> I don't know if its jealousy or what, but my brother has been and is still the problem. He always has something to say about what everyone is doing. When one of us, siblings, put him in his place Mom comes to the rescue and covers for him. Understand we are all adults and have spouses and families. Mom and I are just talking<br />again after one of these incidents. She's trying to be the fixer again and I'm telling her to not get involved. My brother needs to be accountable for his hurtful words and she can't fix this. If I want to distance myself from him its my business. <br /> My question... does it get any easier? I'm going on 40 and I don't plan on my next 40 years putting up with his crappy opinions. I haven't spoken to the brother in question since before the new year and have no desire to yet, if ever. I know this puts a strain on the family functions.<br /> How does this get any easier? What do you all do?<br />Bassy

 

[JB]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Yes, it does, Bassy, but it has to be done. . .it doesn't just happen.<br /><br />As a student, I resented my older brother and sister because of the family "precedents" they set in school which placed me under pressure to live up to their achievements. I was rebellious and became the family "black sheep". I got on well with my younger brother and sister and still do.<br /><br />After I left home I generally excelled at whatever I did and became more of a leader than a rebel. My older siblings who had been leaders and stars as students settled into comfortable but undistinguished careers. We saw each other every few years and were cordial, but not close. Both of them were critical of many of my decisions in life, and of the way I raised my own children. I didn't care what they thought so I just let it roll off my back (I thought).<br /><br />At her 80th Birthday party our mother gathered all of us and told us that she wanted me to write her obituary and to eulogize her when she passed on. Well, all heck broke loose. <:0 !! The details aren't important, but long held resentments were laid on the table from all sides. Mom asked us if they were important. After some thought and discussion we agreed that they were trivial and all ended up crying and hugging.<br /><br />You need such a critical incident to clear the air with your brother, and please don't wait 'til your Mom is 80 and let her create it. There is some old baggage behind his behavior and he needs to lay it at your feet and you need to accept it with compassion. That needs to be a two-way street, too.<br /><br />Good luck.

 

[JoeW]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Bassy,<br />I wish I could tell you. I lost 2 brothers (my best friends) to cancer and heart failure. Wish I could have em back <br /><br />My only remaining brother and I don't get to be together often. We hope to go tuna fishing together this July. After 10 years we still don't talk about our other brothers, partly due to the guy thing and partly because it's just too painful.<br /><br />Take JB's advice and try to talk with your brother. Don't wait until all you have to talk about is too painful to speak of. Women are much better at the communication thing than men. At least in my family they are. <br />-Joe

 

[RetNav]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Bassy,<br /> I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters and we have had our share of problems. I was the third in line if that means anything. The older two would pick on the younger ones and then blame me when the noise brought out the enforcers. Much resentment over the beatings that ensued. <br /> To make a long story short, I heard it said somewhere that one of the reasons you get along with your friends better than your family is that you get to choose your friends. <br /> I have seen in many families where there was a rift that was not resolved in time and the surviving sibling had problems dealing with the loss.<br /> I have found in my own family that sometimes the resentments I had been holding so tightly over the years was not even remembered by the other family member. Certainly was a waste of time and energy for me to hold those feelings for all that time.<br /> Sorry for the ramblings, but hope you decide to take some form of action as life is to short to have unresolved emotions between family.

 

[cajun555]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Bassy, I had a problem with my bro. but it was drug related. Dad always saw possibilities, but the rest or the family was being torn apart. Know matter what all us did for my bro. he would turn his back on us. I think what kept him in his ways was the gal he was living with. He changed girl frinds, then flunked a FAA tt test. That was 5years ago and he is my best friend now. You can't hold a grudge forever, life is to short for that.

 

[cajun555]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Oh, I forgot to add, After the tt test he did a 180 degree turn around.

 

[Bassy]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Thank you all for the advice. Boy, I asked for it, didn't I? I've got some work to do, but don't know how soon I will get it done. There is still so much anger and hurt. There is history there in the past( physical& sexual abuse) with this brother that always seems on the surface when he says something. Its like a bomb waiting to explode. I've had words with him about our childhood and he's apologized, but doesn't see the damage he did. He's also the one who is saying how wonderful my parents are. I believe I've covered this in previous posts( Dad another abuser), so won't go into it here. I just don't know what can be done except develop guidelines that he and I can come to some kind of agreement on. He's gone down that road of insulting my husband and that's another issue. So, there's alot on the plate and its going to take some work from Bro' to make that better. <br /> I know I'll be seeing him at a family wedding next week. I plan on no words with him at this time. Its the best way I think to keep the wedding a pleasant event. No discussion can happen there. My husband isn't going to the event due to my brother and something about my brothers face hitting my husband's fist. Lots of anger there too. Since when is it okay to insult your sister's husband for no reason?<br /> I value your replies and get the point to not let things wait. I'll try to do something about it. I will try. Just so much hurt there and don't want to let him hurt me anymore. <br /> Thank you for listening.<br />Bassy

 

[LadyFish]

Re: Sibling rivalry

My only advice is quit being the victim. I know it sounds harsh, but unless you take the bull by the horns you will continue to be miserable. This gives him (them) power over you and you resent it. Don't let it happen. Remember depression is anger turned inward.<br /><br />Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for him. He is the one with the problem, he is the one who will lose in the end. His insults and illplaced banter to you or your husband are his only way of controlling you anymore and an expression of his own issues. His opinions are really inconsequential.<br /><br />For your own sake and that of those who indeed love you, take back control. Its not easy to be civil to someone who has hurt you but, by continuing anger and hatred you only feed the predator in him.<br /><br />You can only deal with your issues unless you are willing to take him to counseling with you.<br /><br />I agree it makes it tough on you and your husband and other family members to have the two of you at odds but it should not keep you from going to family functions. Eventually you will work out your problems with your brother. For now try to be civil and remember he also has issues to deal with, maybe even the same ones you have.<br /><br />The race is definetly worth the prize when it comes to salvaging family relationships. It just takes time and the willingness to forgive.<br /><br />You have my email if you need to talk my friend.

 

[Bassy]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Wow! I think we'll close there.<br />Bassy<br />Edit:<br /> Boy those were harsh there, LF, but after stewing a couple of hours I see some good in there. <br />Thank you.

 

[wilkin250r]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Bassy,<br /><br />I had a similar situation growing up. My next oldest brother was always confrontational, and took every opportunity to belittle me and ridicule me to prove to himself that he was the better person/athlete/scholar. (Which should not have been difficult to prove, since he was 4 years my senior!) This pattern continued for a great many years.<br /><br />You have to ask yourself some very serious questions, and answer honestly. Do you truly wish to salvage your relationship with your brother? It will not be easy, and it will not come quickly.<br /><br />If you do not wish to put forth the effort to salvage this relationship with your brother, you will need to distance yourself from him, which may also distance you from other family members. Make it very clear your reasons why. Tell other family members this very weekend why your husband is not with you.<br /><br />If you DO wish to reconsile with your brother, the effort must come from both ends, and it will not be easy. His effort must come in changing his behavior, but YOUR effort comes from giving him the time to do so. If/when he makes comments that are out of line, you must remind him without getting angry. Let him know that his comments are unwelcome, but do not nag him to change his behavior immediately. It takes time for people to change, and unfortunately (as difficult as it may be) you need to accept him and put up with his behavior while that change is taking place. Remind him that his comments are hurtful, but do not get angry or refuse to speak to him. YOUR part in his change will be very difficult, because you must accept his behavior until it is changed.

 

[jtexas]

Re: Sibling rivalry

You don't mention how well you get along with person whose wedding you're attending, but it sure would be a shame to let a feud like this intrude on someone's wedding. Sounds like a wise choice for the husband to stay home on this occasion.<br /><br />You've got some good advice here. You know you can't control someone else's behavior, thougts, attitudes. Even if they never see the light of reason, you still have to live your life. It takes a lot of energy to carry that kind of baggage around, but it usually takes a lot of time to learn to set it down. <br /><br />People get into patterns, and can get so comfortable in even the most destructive patterns that they resist every attempt at healthy changes. So, don't get drawn into the same arguments over and over; take Wilkin's advice and just state your case honestly, calmly and simply. <br /><br />good luck,

 

[SoulWinner]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Bassy, Try this, but don't forget that there just some people in this world that you can't fellowship with. Doesn't mean you have to be cruel about it, but but your happyness is more important than his need to be a di@k. Anyhoo, email this to him......<br /><br /><br />NAIL IN THE FENCE<br /><br />There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.<br /><br />Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.<br /><br />The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."<br /><br />A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.<br /><br />YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!<br />Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.<br /><br />_____________________________________<br /><br />Bless you Bassy, remember who loves you and focus on that....what else really matters anyway?

 

[Bassy]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Next weekend is my niece's wedding. My brother(I have 3 older brothers) is her Dad. I get along with him pretty well. We've had our arguments through the years(heck, we're siblings), but we both have been able to work through them and come out pretty close. I would tell him when he hurt my feelings and he tries to understand and we hash it out until we're okay with it. He's easier to talk to. Always has been. Not at all like the brother previously mentioned. That's what's so frustrating. <br /> wilkin250r - Thank you for your story. I so need to think about that and decide. The wedding will give me a better idea. Mostly I want him to be accountable for the things he's said.<br /> I recieved an e-mail from my brother, the bride's Dad, this week about the problems I'm having with the other brother. He and all of my siblings have recieved many hate e-mails from him, so know what I'm dealing. He said brother is drinking alot and sends his hatemail when he's drinking. So, maybe that's it. Maybe he doesn't have a clue of the hurtful things he's said. That softens my heart a bit and changes things. I've been on the sending end of e-mails after I've had a few. Not quite what I'd say sober. So, I will know more after next weekend. <br />Soulwinner- Good one! I will send it and see what happens. The last time I held out an olive branch he just attacked me with hurtful words. But I shall try one more time. If I don't chicken out.<br /> Thank you all for your replies and helping me out during this difficult time. It does help.<br />Bassy

 

[Jacques Nel]

Re: Sibling rivalry

Fix it now Bassy. My elder bro and sis left SA for the UK some 18 months ago. I was always rather different from them so even though they lived nearby we didn't see much of each other. Now that they are away I miss them terribly. <br /><br />Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

 

[wilkin250r]

Re: Sibling rivalry

It sounds like you are not the only family member that has a history of conflict and bad relations with this one sibling. <br /><br />It may sound harsh, but if a resolution cannot be found, perhaps your entire family wishes to distance themselves from this one brother and stop inviting him to family functions.