She won't let it die!

[JamesCoste]

Re: She won't let it die!

I was in my backyard one hot summer day. I had an arm full of limbs and carried them outside of my 4' chain link fence. I then disposed of the limbs. It was a long walk back to the gate and I felt quite energetic so I decided to run and leap over the fence. My front leg made it over, my private parts (thank God) also made it. My right leg didn't. It was bent in a hurdlers position and the shoe of my toe somehow got stuck in between the top bar of the fence and the fence itself. My upper body slammed into the ground but my toe was simply stuck. <br /><br />I stood on my left leg but couldn't get my right foot unstuck. After finally giving up, I called for my wife who was inside watching a "Lifetime for Women" movie or something important like that. Finally she heard my screaming and came out the back door. Does she come running to my aide. No, she stands their puzzled and just looks me as it to say, "well id1ot, get your leg down". It wasn't until further yelling that she realized that I was serious. I yelled "run" at the top of my lungs. For some reason, that didn't go over well. She stopped walking to lecture me about yelling at her . Finally she came over and pried my foot out of my shoe, , and I apologized.<br /><br />Talk about freak accident.

 

[Pascal]

Re: She won't let it die!

How come none of these stories are about the women's cooking experiments or other messups??

 

[LadyFish]

Re: She won't let it die!

Originally posted by Pascal:<br /> How come none of these stories are about the women's cooking experiments or other messups??

No such stories exist thats why.

<br /><br />Like I've ever tried to "fold a blueberry" ROTFL, sheesh.

 

[gaugeguy]

Re: She won't let it die!

Originally posted by Pascal:<br /> How come none of these stories are about the women's cooking experiments or other messups??

Here's one I won't let the wife live down...<br /><br />About 5 years ago we were staying at this skiing resort up north http://www.thebalsams.com/ , well this is a pretty nice place where the evening attire is jacket and tie. So we head down to the ballroom for dinner. It is a large buffet with 2 chefs at carving stations cutting up 2 huge roast beefs. I am walking behind my wife as she is picking stuff up and putting it on her plate. She then grabs a dessert and both her hands are now full and she sneezes. Instead of sneezing in front of her, and directly into her food, she turns her head and sneezes directly onto this 50 pound roast beef. Me and the people behind me that witnessed this got out of that line and went to the other line...I was pretty embarrassed and I let her hear about it at least once a month

 

[JoeW]

Re: She won't let it die!

My daughter watched me swat a fly once and she never forgets it. I had just finished all sort of chores around the house and was feeling pretty handy, but this fly had been bugging me all day long. I was in the kitchen and noticed that it was buzzing ariound. I got the fly swatter handy. Then, as soon as it landed on the kitchen florescent light fixture I gave it a good swat. I hit the plastic cover that covers the light. It rumbled and dislodged from the fixture, fell to the floor and shattered into 100 pieces. For some reason my daugher got the biggest kick out of that.

 

[JoeW]

Re: She won't let it die!

My brother-in-law & sister-in-law came home from shopping one day to find my 16 year-old niece baking a cake. When they asked her why her hands were covered with batter she replied: "The receipe said to hand-mix". <br /><br />Yes... My niece is blonde.

 

[Ross J]

Re: She won't let it die!

Part 1 - <br />A visiting child had a skateboard and looked like he was having fun on the concrete so I did the obvious thing and he said, "Yessir you could but don't tell my mummy if you break something".<br />Well I got on top of this demon thing and pushed off from the deck and that board did 100mph within .0001 of a second. Trouble was my body could only do 1mph within 1 second so there I was parallel to the ground (did I mention that I'm 6'4" and 125kg). When I came down I thought I'd broken every bone in my body and all I can hear is great gwaffing laughter eminating from the deck area. My wife was splitting her sides, she couldn't stop. When she did eventually bend over me there were tears in her eyes which I mistakenly took for empathy!<br />I didn't break anything but my pride sure took a jolt, and she likes to remind everybody of the day grandad tried to fly!<br /><br />Part 2 - <br />Visiting a mates farm he asked if we'd like to help round up the sheep? Yup sir I rode of on a lovely 400cc dirt bike and my wife took the 90cc step through with centrifugal clutch. Away we went like a farming bonnie and clyde. On the way to the paddock we came accross a creek and since there was a jump ramp there my mate just took a run and sailed over, I did likewise. Turning round to check my wife did'nt try that I was just in time to see her head sink from view into a gully 15' below full of water.<br />Off the bike and down to the creek I pulled the bike she had out then set about getting her breathing properly again, she was winded good.<br />I swear I didn't laugh once, being rather close to my neither reigons I wasn't about to commit suicide by wife.<br />Anyway she didn't see anything funny in that at all and even though she can recall my story anytime she likes I still get sent to coventry every time I start up on hers.......no sex for whole week!!<br />Ross

 

[Pascal]

Re: She won't let it die!

afore my wife and I were married she had it figured that the way to my heart was thru my stomach (it worked and it shows now) . She fixed this big meal one day with all the trimmin's and pie for dessert. Said I couldn't have any pie till I guessed what the kind of pie. I guessed every kind I could think of that had a crust but no luck . She finally told me it was my favourite PUMKIN pie . She gets that one back every thanksgiving and christmas along with "whats in the microwave" for the times we've found a dish of veggies or somthing in there after the dishes are done. <br /><br />JD

 

[Bigfun]

Re: She won't let it die!

When we were newlyweds my wife cooked a casserole with venison and dill pickels. Got the recipe out of one of those church cookbooks, had to be a joke recipe.<br /><br />Shes got a lot more stories about me than I of her.

 

[deputydawg]

Re: She won't let it die!

Originally posted by LadyFish:<br />

Originally posted by Pascal:<br /> How come none of these stories are about the women's cooking experiments or other messups??

No such stories exist thats why.

<br /><br />Like I've ever tried to "fold a blueberry" ROTFL, sheesh.

See what I get for following directions?<br /><br />BTW I do have many good stories of the wife, but it is healthier to keep quiet.<br />For some reason women are allowed to poke fun at the men all of the time, but once we even think of making fun then everything changes.<br /><br />The sneeze story reminds me, when we were younger mother was working nights. Dad made a big bowl of rice something. As soon as he had a mouth full of rice a sneeze snuck up on him. He ended up spraying my sister and I, along with all of the food on the table with half chewed rice!

 

[cbnoodles]

Re: She won't let it die!

My wife never lets me forget the time I tried to see what happens when you tie mylar balloons with ribbon to the kitchen ceiling fan. OOOOPS!<br /><br />I caught the whole fixture while it was on the way to the floor and was able to remount it with just a little patchwork to the plaster.<br /><br />But I have a good one about her too. I was changing the youngest one's diaper (yes, I did that) upstairs when she called my name (urgently). She was cooking stir-fry in the wok on our electric range and the oil caught fire. <br /><br />She called again (very loudly this time) and I hurried down to see her standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at the fire. She had the lid to the wok in one hand & the fire extinguisher was on the wall right behind her. I walked over, took the lid from her hand & covered the wok. Poof, the fire was out. It scorched the cabinets less than it did her ego. She laughs about it now though.

 

[deputydawg]

Re: She won't let it die!

I do have to admit that my father had one of these incidents that I just won't let go of, even after 25 years.<br />Back when I was a kid we were on vacation, camping in Arkansas. Late one night, in a full very nice campground my parents, sister and I were in our cabin tent sleeping. I woke up to dad opening the tent yelling, then running outside. As I stood up to see what was up, I heard dad running away from the camp yelling things like STOP YOU SON OF A B$#@H, and DROP THAT different phrases like that. Thinking someone had been in our camp and ripped something off, I jumped to the flap of the tent to see what was happening. Here is the sight I found when I looked out.<br />Dad in nothing but his fruit of the looms running across the campground about 100 yards away, tidy whities shining in the moonlight chasing a loaf of bread carried by a large raccoon. The raccoon was running full speed with the loaf of bread trailing behind. Finally the raccoon dropped the loaf of bread which dad picked up and brought back to camp.<br />Dad got kind of upset that we all laughed at him. He really got upset when mom told him the loaf of bread wasn't worth all the trouble. <br />In the morning it seams dad was the only one that would eat anything from THAT loaf of bread, and only then because he had to maintain his pride. I will say though he sure was the popular one in the campground. The big chase happened about 11 at night, so many of our neighbor campers were outside enjoying their campfires, or had been awaakened by the yelling and running of a crazy man in his undies.