Re: Rodney dies
Some of Rodney's best:<br /><br />I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. <br /><br />I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back! <br /><br />When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."<br /><br />Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.<br /><br />With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.<br /><br />What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!<br /><br />Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.<br /><br />I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.<br /><br />My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.<br /><br />I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!<br /><br />One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. <br /><br />I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."<br /><br />My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.<br /><br />When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."<br /><br />I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!<br /><br />My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.<br /><br />My mother had morning sickness after I was born.<br /><br />My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.<br /><br />When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.<br /><br />I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.<br /><br />One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.<br /><br />I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.<br /><br />My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.<br /><br />Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."<br /><br />I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."<br /><br />I had a lot of ****les too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.<br /><br />My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.<br /><br />Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!<br /><br />I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.<br /><br />This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.<br /><br />I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.<br /><br />It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!<br /><br />My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."<br /><br />Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. <br /><br />A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!<br /><br />I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.<br /><br />If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.<br /><br />I was with this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."<br /><br />I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.<br /><br />I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.<br /><br />I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.<br /><br />I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!<br /><br />I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.<br /><br />My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.<br /><br />One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."<br /><br />I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."<br /><br />I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.<br /><br />My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"<br /><br />I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!<br /><br />When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"<br /><br />And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!<br /><br />God Bless You, Rodney! You will be missed.<br />
