Redneck letter home

[Ross J]

Re: Redneck letter home

Hey, hey, Spinner_bait Nut, I reckon we have couzin Clem down here. Do you think that spacey thingy could ave thrown em back in good ole En Zed?<br />You see me an the misses wuz driving to Wellington yesterday in the good ole 4x4 an this here thingy were asitting in the paddock down by Waiouru (the army base). It were all pretty looking an this bloke wandered yonder from it. He turned around, kicked it an said "Baaa". Now I reckon thats cuz Clem alright.<br />This bloke walks into one of them house on wheels things an drives into the bush.<br />Didn't even look like family! Anyway I follows him an he's Clem sure as I've got two balls coz he drinks whiskey and he likes sheep a lot. I seen him out back by his house on wheels.<br />He's got this sheep called "Dolly", reckons shes a clown or clone or something like that, says she came from some agrucultural reasearch facility he raided. Mustav made an impact coz the army boys are lookoing after his land, family and stock very well up in the mountain. They feed, wash, count, transport, count, wash, count, all the time.<br />When i told em youse guys wuz looking for em as well he just looked to the sky an called out,"Now the blody americans are after me as well". and laid down to sleep. <br />Last I seen of him was this bright light last night shining on him from afar. He wus gone this morn though and one of my uncles says it's cuz he was holed up where they filmed the "Lord Of The Rings" and uncle reckons he found one of them rings...............<br />I gues we'll never know, but when that boom, an sail, an water got in the Team New Zealand Boat this afternoon we heard a loud peal of laughter from out here in West Auckland and my misses said that'll be cousin Clem farting for the spacemen!<br />Newsflash, last year there was 32 million sheep in NZ an now they say theres only 20 million! That couz Clem has a lot to answer fur!!<br />Maybe we will see a Kiwi on Star Treck after all eh!<br />Ross

 

[88spl]

Re: Redneck letter home

My mom says..............<br /> She is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!<br />My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.<br />We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!<br />Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.<br />My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.<br />Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.<br />Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.<br />My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.<br />Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.<br />

<br /><br />

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Hello RossJ. I reckn tht could havn happun cuz I member back home when clem would go tu tha stor, thy wud mak hmn pay just to by vittles thar. Just lik thy had to pay pa to take ma.<br />Imn aferd of them thar house on wheels thingys, cause whena I lay my ugly hed down, I dont wanta be movin eny.<br />An spekn of sheeps, all tha people in our parts quit raising them things and I always nu why, buut wouldn say anythng.<br />Poor clem, hesn up thar in the big sheep heard in the sky now i reckn.<br />"LOOK OUT!!!!! GET AWY FROM ME!!!!!<br />

<br />"Oh no you don't"<br />"Take this"<br />

<br />Thatl tehn you to meesn with me you alens you!!!

 

[Fishbusters]

Re: Redneck letter home

You folks need to go fishing because you know you ain't right.

 

[88spl]

Re: Redneck letter home

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three h%$#z in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Update on ol clem.<br />He shud up tha otther day and wuz acttn reel strng and askn all kinds of stupd qustins lik this.<br /><br />Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" <br /><br />Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." <br /><br />Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? <br /><br />If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? <br /><br />If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? <br /><br />Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their (edit) when they ask where the bathroom is? <br /><br />Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? <br /><br />Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! <br /><br />What do you call male ballerinas? <br /><br />If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? <br /><br />If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? <br /><br />If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? <br /><br />If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? <br /><br />Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? <br /><br />Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? <br /><br />Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? <br /><br />Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your arse? <br /><br />Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on car ride, he sticks his head out the window? <br /><br />Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?<br />I dunt knew buut i thunk the alens taght him thisn stuff.

 

[OBJ]

Re: Redneck letter home

Bubba....They kilt the bunny. Damed aleuns. They hain't happy less there makin someuns sad. Please see the site.<br /><br /> http://makesmesmile.com/fun/energizer01/index.php <br /><br />Jimmy Bo Bob

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Now Jimmy Bo Bob, that was funny.<br />Long live the bunny. <br />

<br />P.S.<br />Maw said maybe I ought to get someof them batteries, cause she said if it worked for the bunny, might just work on me. <br />BUBBA

 

[OBJ]

Re: Redneck letter home

Thought ya'd like it. I got a good one called anchors away. Its a little movie that will crack you up. Got it attached from an email from one of the guys at the plant. Don't know how to get it here. I tried the site but just got junk. I'm going to try once more to post it.

 

[FLATHEAD]

Re: Redneck letter home

Howdy yalls, I finally got ole bessy mae to say I do.This is wat I rit down to do it.<br />collards is green<br />my dogs name is blue<br />and I'm so lucky<br />to have a sweet thang like you<br /><br />yore hair is like cornsilk<br />a-flappin in the breeze<br />softer than blues<br />and without any fleas<br /><br />you move like the bass<br />which excite me in may<br />you aint got any scales<br />but i love you anyway<br /><br />yore as satisfy'n as okry<br />jist a-fryin in the pan<br />yore as fragrant as snuff <br />right out a da can<br /><br />you have some-a yore teeth<br />for which i am proud<br />i hold my head high<br />when we're in a crowd<br /><br />on special occasions <br />when you shave under yore arms<br />well, i'm in hog heaven<br />and awed by yore charms<br /><br />yore as cute as a junebug<br />a-buzzin overhead<br />you aint mean like those far ants<br />i found in my bed<br /><br />when you hold me real tight<br />like a padded gunrack<br />my life is complete<br />aint nuttin i lack<br /><br />yore complexion ,its perfection<br />like the best vinyl sidin<br />despite all the years<br />yore age it keeps hidin<br /><br />me'n you's like a moon pie<br />with a RC cold drink<br />we go together <br />like a skunk goes with stank<br /><br />some men git roses<br />on thet special day<br />from the cooler at kroger<br />thats impressive i say<br /><br />some men they buy diamonds<br />from a flea market booth<br />diamonds are forever<br />they explain suave and couth<br /><br />but for this man,honey<br />these wont do<br />cause yore too special<br />you sweet thang you<br /><br />i got you a gift<br />without taste nor odor<br />more useful than diamonds<br />its a new trollin motor<br /><br />luv your romeo cuzin Earl Bob

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Yea flathead, thats my ol redneck poem.

 

[OBJ]

Re: Redneck letter home

Dang it Earl Bob....that's 'bout the purtiest bunch a' words I ever heared. Just made me waller up inside *sniff*. Haint no wonder ya got such a purty filly like ya got. Shoot, words like that would get even ol Clem a looker. Well, heres to you and Bessy Mae. May yer out house stay warm and yer chidren keep thar teeth till they is 15. Lord! I is startin ta waller up agin *sniff* *sniff*.<br /><br />Jimmy Bo Bob

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Redneck letter home

Hay, dint no dair wuz udderz eyek me. yuh muss bee frum unnudder holler. eye gru up en dah illz of Meigs cowntee. da boz iz up now godda du da chorzz. tulk laider, er nayebur, PLUM BOB

 

[SlowlySinking]

Re: Redneck letter home

the cat wasn't feeling to well so I took her to the vet in my cat carrier......<br /><br />

 

[Ross J]

Re: Redneck letter home

Dear Spinner_bait Nut Joe, snapperbait Bob, OutboardJim Joe, ebb Billy Bob, SlowlySinking Bob, gonfishn Jim, SLOOPY Junior Jim, 88spl 69 Bob, Peterfishbuster (rudy), Flahthead strait 6, SS MAYFLOAT Billy Bob, <br />It's this uns considered thinken that we are all related by no more'n 6 members. Yu c this here brain got a thinkingan come up wid factors like we all like fushin an eatin an sleepen an rutten an all like that so we must be kin eh!<br />What say we have a family reunion somewheres down here by the C with an offshore breeze so wez can party'n fart n show off our man titties an all that eh!<br />I rekons we all look the same 2. <br />An beings how we all miss cuzzie Clem we must be closer than a shaver to aunt maudes armpits.<br />Wot say y'all, can we think about it.<br />I know ther'll be a lot of yauchts goin cheap around here soon an we could have one of them thar regattas. You know, where the survivor wins an takes all the families away till next year.<br />There'll be eateries an waterholes aplenty, lots of madiens who missed the boat n just a few men too (thats fur uncle arthur who don't like skirts). <br />Cuzzie barts farm has a dam an a spring so we cud wash without polluting the harbour much an if'n the wind stays right we cud let a bit of 'ode due Kentucky' flow all over Auckland city, but bags I sit behind aunty betsy fur that one.<br />An then after dark'n fallen we cud have a night display to thank the city for the hospitality. We cud have a light the fart competition again jus like last winter. Only this time we put a time limit on freds farts, it got boring him agassin long times like that. We cud have the usual burn down the barn an the punch out the bull competitions as well as the infamous greasy pig race with the bueatiful cozzie Billy Joe all greased up naked like before. Only rule change this time is when you caught her you gott to bring her back within the hour. Last year she had'n a litter an some of em don't look the same. We cant have that this time.<br />I hope y'sll can think of some games we men folk could play with our wives cuz we're plain out of ideas over here.<br />Your faithfool cuzzie Ross

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Redneck letter home

U R ah Redneck if you understood Nell in that thar moving picture show, I did, an peepole made fun of me....Plum Bob

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Now cuzzie ross, that sond plum invitn.<br />Me and maws gona hav to muv agn cause someonea already stole out electric.<br />I went down town and threaten the townspeople as to ever had it to bring it back before I had to load up the 2 chimneys and go to blasting intill I founda the write one and lo an behol, it came back.<br />I bet that liter looked a lot like clem tu.<br />Cuzzin Daisey Mae said she would like to come down under or where ever it is you want her to come to cause she likes all them farts and stuff that we mankind do.<br />Well, got to go fur now, Going outside and see about a lock for the electric.<br />Sum1 told me to put a good grade padlock around them 2 big black wires comming from that old toohpick that is stuk in the ground.

 

[SS MAYFLOAT]

Re: Redneck letter home

Paw said a virgin is a girl than can outrun her brothers and cousins.....