Redneck letter home

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

The Redneck Letter Home!<br /><br />Dear Billy joe Bob, <br /><br />I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. <br /><br />I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. <br /><br />This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. <br /><br />The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays. <br /><br />About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. <br /><br />Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. <br /><br />Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. <br />The baby looks just like your brother. <br /><br />Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. <br /><br />Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. <br /><br />Your Favorite Aunt <br /> <br /><br />P.S. <br /><br />I also , thought I'd included a Picture of our new swimmin pool with Uncle Bubba in it ! <br /><br />

<br /><br />I hope you like it

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Redneck letter home

Well Aunt Nutty it's good here'n from ya... <br /><br />Thats too bad bout' Uncle Bobby Ray... Reckon thats a good way for him to go see'n as he's sis's babys Daddy... You reckon that makes me that babys cousin?.. <br /><br />Glad to see Uncle Bubba doin good and that he got that operation to take off that third eye ball he was a-growin'... I reckon that job he had at the Nuculer pesticide plant caused that... <br /><br /> Ya'll must of won that settlement with the trailer park ta get that new swimmin' pool and be able to get a new house... No satelite dish?...<br /><br /> I got one of them there new fangeled washin' machines like ya'll's too and it does the same thing... Ma had the repair man out last week and he said it's-a workin' fine now that he got Ma's drawers out of the drain pipe...<br /><br />I done told ol' Butch not ta run round with that dang ol' tailgate closed... Poor ol' Jim Bob and Bobby Wayne....<br /><br />Say hi to Cousin Spinner for me...<br /><br />Your favorite Nephew...Billy Joe Bob...<br /> <br />Gotcha...

 

[Ross J]

Re: Redneck letter home

Billy-Jo-Bob,<br />Hi cuzzie from down under, we got one of them thar washing machines too. The repairman is havin a hellava job coz the water keeps going the wrong way round an he's about done scratching his head ova it.<br />Let me know how uall get on afixing it coz we don't know what to do. I reckon it'll make a fine target for the scattergun but mother just keeps asitting on the thing. That room would look mighty fine decorated all over with Kiwi Bear pelts (possum).<br />Ross

 

[OBJ]

Re: Redneck letter home

LORD! Please make winter end. These boys got to git out for a while. Amen.

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Redneck letter home

Cousin Rosscoe J... Is-zat You?... I keeps a-gettin these here letters from down under but I'd be horse whipped and hog tied if'n I new wherez down under wuz...<br /><br />Ya'll's sayin the water in the warshing machine's a-going the wrong ways round?.. Ya'll got it right ways up?... If'n it is then I recken theres but one alternative... Set it out in the front yard next ta the blown out tire over by the satelite dish and plant ya some flowers in it...<br /><br />Your cousin.. Billy Joe bob.. <br /><br />Ya-sir OB Jim... I kindly think this here winter does need ta end so-as I can put my garden out...<br /><br />If'n any you boys need any parts for a Trans-Am, I got three of em out in the front yard up on blocks.. I'm part'n them out...

 

[Ross J]

Re: Redneck letter home

Hi Ho cuzzie BJB, it sure wuz good ta hear from ya all.<br />Yes'n sir we done put that dang blasted contraption out front like you said but this here darn truck driver just took it away. Never said it looked purty nor nothin, just took it away. Most excitement round here in years!<br />Anyways we just put the big square thing that blows hot air out there two an sure'n' theres ice in winter he acomes acalling fur that 2.<br />I dont reckon I know what that darn things fur but it sure puts the fluf asitting purty on the dead kiwibears ready for the buyer. <br />Anyhows, the boats almost repaired after I dun broke it last month n I reckon if'n that truck driver leaves it alone I might just take it 2 the water n see what happens.<br />May be hard though, theres this here race thingy where two lots of guys spend squillions of dollars on boats and sail about the harbour. They get riled up every now n then n yell at each other. Next thing they'r in the drinking hole all mates n smacking each other on the back n all. I reckon they interbreed cuz we cant understand anything they say anyways!<br />Must go, me missus just found another 1 of those white box thingys to put out fur the truck driver guy. Weez gettin a hole lot of room back indoors n I know it's all got 2 b good fur us cuz it makes us talk n all..........<br />Ross

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Wellllllll, I'l be danged and whiped like a pack mule.<br />I dident no I had all you relataves still live and kicking and that one that says hes down under, there are a bunch of us that are down under something or tuther.<br />i knows what you mean about them thar fellows with them thar painted up sounds like yeller jackett thingys. they sure do seem to be in a hurrey all the time far sur.<br />They gat one place and dang if in just a cats hair they are a going agen.<br />I just sit and wundur whtas all the hurry about anyhow.<br />I dont no about the guy in the truck taken my things i would have to get ol betsy down offen the wall and load up both of them chimmneys with some ol 00 and maybe teach him about other peoples property.<br />well got to for right now. mothers got something fur me to do, i think its has something to do with that little square building out back that has all them thingys that has a seat and headlights and somekind of weird thing that goes round and round and it runs also. see people on them all the time here in our new town that i dont no where it is riding em like a horse but the horse is shooting things out the wrong end.<br />weird horses, shoot things out the side of them must be rough far sur<br />Oh yea, i sprun a lak in my new pool and now i have to get the tire patchin out to fax it cause it gona get hotter than , well ya ah no where.till nex time.<br />uncle bubba

 

[SlowlySinking]

Re: Redneck letter home

....PS: an i wuz gonna sent the mony i ow u but i alredy sealed the envelpoee....

 

[Ross J]

Re: Redneck letter home

Cats dead brother, uh huh, ifn I told that wee women once I told her lots n lots, don't be peggin the cat onto that line aftern washin the thing. Fur when they get the wire a buzzuin again every now n agin that cat does a dance on the wire that sure as Jess has fleas it puts the power out agan!<br />Funning really caus one of em wee white boxes I wuz goin to put out started abuzzing agin fur a wee while. It got all cold inside so I figured it were broke anyway an we used it to check ifn the cat wuz alive, but she's as stiff as uncle heck after n he drank all the antifreeze last winter.<br />I been tellin the cuzzie bros about your place in the good ole US of A an they reckon if'n its so good then whys they in sooo much fuss with that guy Saddam. We got the bible out from under aunt maudes coffin an it says there was a soddem and gomorragh, but it don't say much about a Saddam. <br />The boys reckon youall should just send em down here for a week or two n they'll see em right! There's a coal mine round here somewhere where bits keep afallin in an they have trouble finding folk to work deep down. I got an idea that this bloke might not be missed too much so ifn I could keep uncle Tex from fallin in love with em e'd make a good wee mule till he died!<br />By the way, hows that winter going y'all, I hear the winters soo cold the fridges are warming your houses. Put a herd of cattle in your barn next to the car n the thing will start up right away cuz it'll be warm. Failing that there'll always bee a warm place to thaw out yur hands before looking fur the keys. Better yet, just use screwdrivers fur keys like us eh!<br />Aunty Ruth says ta fur the toilet paper but its too soft and her fingers keep a breaking through. She'll just keep using Kauri tree leafs like always, but those rolls make great oil filters if'n you can stuff em into those containers, so keep em commin.<br />Bobby Jo says why don't we see any of our kin on "Star Trek", I jus told her thats cause they won't work in the future either mate! She thought I wuz just taking the **** but then she looked and sure as, no one wuz working at all!<br />Ross

 

[gonfishn]

Re: Redneck letter home

Ross J --are you by any slim chance an import from Kentuck. For graduation presents students are given a Road Map with Rt. 23 colored in and pointing North.....

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Heck ol peat gonfishn, nowadays, you would have to take them by the hand and lead them the way cause they sure can't drive and I know that they could not read a map.

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Redneck letter home

Ya Sir... In them there Kentucky sticks and hills, your three life choices are as follows...<br /><br />#1 Work in the coal mine and get the ol' Blacklung...<br />#2 Run moonshine and grow them funny little weeds in with the tomatoes...<br />#3 Or, (the best choice) Move it on down the line...<br /><br />Hey SB Nut... Are you anywhere near Williamsburg or Corbin Ky... I got a bunch of relatives that live just over the line in and around Jelico and Lafollet/Jacksboro Tennessee... <br /><br />One of these days when I'm up there visiting, I'm gonna come up to Kentucky to get me some real KFC and go bumb around the Cumberland Falls area for a day...

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

No snapperbait, I am from the eastern part up next to Wv and Oh right in the middle of coal country.<br />Matter of fact, I sit right on the Ohio and Big Sandy river junction in a little town named Catlettsburg.

 

[OBJ]

Re: Redneck letter home

Dear Billie Bob, Joe Bob, Ray Bob, Billie Joe Bob, Billie Ray Bob, Billie Joe Ray Bob, Bubba, and any else I missed,<br /><br />I have sad news to impert on yuins. Yer cusin Lem have met his demise and has departed this life. Yer cusin Clem and Lem wuz a'huntin and cusin Clem mistook Cusin Lem fer a critter and plugged im. Doc Doolin sezs Lem might a made it ifn Clem hadnt gutted him. But yall know Clem haint been himself since his abducton by the aleins. He showed up at the famly reunion tha other day alone. Said it was ok cause hed just pick up somebody there. Well I gotta close now and bring Clem in. Seems hes a gittin partial ta stayin with the sheep. Dam aleins. Theys what done it to im. He aint knowin what he is and all. Better git im, sheep is a startin to get restless.<br /><br />Yer cuzin..Jimmy Bo Bob

 

[ebbtide176]

Re: Redneck letter home

lmao <br /><br />i would try to add to the story, but you know how it is, being here in GA, it jes gits too personal<br />(this would be a good time for the pic of the redneck date/motorcycle...)hehe i found it<br />

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Welst, inew it wasn gona happen sunner ar latur. I tred to tell all the kin to watch out for cuzin Clem.<br />I no fur a fact it isn true about the alens cuz i seen it with my own 2 eyse that night whilst i wasn out in the little building out back reading/looking at pictures in that thar sears un roebuck book.<br />i lookt out yonder in the sheeps pen and there wasn clem justn standing thar a lookin up into the sky when all of a sudden this starnge lookn thang just shot somekinda light lookn thing and zip, clem wasn gone.<br />

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

P.S. I hate to hear about ol lem, but I didn like him to much anywho.<br />To many of the babys around where we ustn lived luukerd like him and man was they ever uuuugggggllllyyyyy!!!!!!!!! <br />Besides, thats justn one less mouth we will havtn woory about feeding at reunin time and means more fur me. HEHEHE

 

[sloopy]

Re: Redneck letter home

gosh you guys are funny

 

[snapperbait]

Re: Redneck letter home

Say there cousin Spinner, when's that there next family reunion gonna be... See'n as I'm single now, would'nt that be a good place to pick up some girls?.... Last year ol' cousin Daisy Mae wus'a lookin' mighty fine and even ol' Aunty Ruth wuz'nt too awful bad ta look's at....<br /><br />Thats too bad bout' Clem gettin' snatched up by them dang alleins again... I done told him after last time that they'd stop a snatchin' him up if'n he'd wrap tin foil round that there trailer of hiz...<br /><br />Hey, what-du-ya'll know... Ol' cousin Sloopy's done pay'd us'ns a vizit... <br /><br /> That ol' boyz strange... He likes them there sailboats... I done tried that sail'n b-fore, but I done got stuck down at the end of the lake fur 3 dayz till the wind started ta go in the uther di-rection so'as I could getz home again... I ain't a doin that no mo...

 

[SpinnerBait_Nut]

Re: Redneck letter home

Well hi there cuzin snapper, long time no see. thought mayb the alens had gottn you 2<br />we havnt decided yet about tha reunn, but i will let you know abut a wek aftur its over.<br />yea, they will be plenty of women ther, but u mught chng yourn mind aftur youn see aunty ruth now.<br />she up an went to ine ofthemn platuc surguns and had sumthn done, and it sur messed hur up fur guud<br />Now daisy mae, whoooo!!! thats 1 fin luukin cuzn ther<br />I mean I wud muv out the cows fur her.<br />Yea, poor clem, lik i said i wus there that furst night and they tred to get me 2, but i farted on them and they let me go.<br />thnk god fur beans,taters,onions,cornbread, beans,beans, and mor beans.<br />told clem to eat somn them vittles befur we wunt out.<br />oh well, see yu at the reunn.<br />yur cuz<br />bubba<br />ps. that thar sloopy fellow is sur a strng one, mayb we can getm to come to the reunn too and meet aunty ruth.