Here is a list that I think you'll enjoy...
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
* Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
* The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!
* I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
* I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
* Old age is coming at a really bad time!
* When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
* The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
* Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
* I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
* My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
* Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
* The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
* I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
* I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
* When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
* I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
* Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
* Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
* Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
* Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
* Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
* At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
