Post Your Jokes Here

RGrew176

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Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"

Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
 

RGrew176

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A judge tells the defendant, ?You?re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.?
?You jerk!? yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
?You?re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,? the judge continued.
?Jerrrkkk!? bellows the same man.
?Sir,? says the judge, ?one more outburst, and I?ll charge you with contempt.?
?I?m sorry, Your Honor,? says the man. ?But I?ve been this jerk?s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn?t have one.?
 

RGrew176

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I never told this story before, but I remembered it today and it made me laugh. The greatest customer ever: I used to work as a bagger at a small, family owned grocery store while I was in high school.

One day a cheerful old woman came through the checkout with a cart full of groceries.

Me: " paper or plastic?"
Customer: " I'd like double bagged paper and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as you can."
Me: "sure thing!"

A bit of a strange request, sure, but anything that broke up the monotony of the day was welcomed.
I started packing her bags with twice as many items as usual.

The customer interrupted me to say: "You can surely fit more than that, right? make 'em real heavy for me honey " I raised an eyebrow but carried on, making the bags even heavier and more loaded than before.

She then asked me to take the groceries to her car, which is something we used to do at our store. I managed to load her entire cart into three faily heavy bags and bring them out to the car. Even I struggled to lift just one of those things.

Then the woman turns to me and says: " in case you're wondering - I just had a fight with my husband and it's my turn to pick the groceries."

Me: "oh."
Customer: It's also his turn to unload the car"

Then she winked at me, got in her car, and grove away.

I'll never forget you old lady. You taught me an important lesson: never mess with the elderly.
 

RGrew176

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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they?d shared, where Andy had carved ?I love you, Sally.?

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, ?We?ve got to give it back.?

Sally said, ?Finders keepers.? She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. ?Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday??

Sally said, ?No?.

Andy said, ?She?s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, ?Don?t believe him, he?s getting senile?
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: ?Tell us the story from the beginning.?

Andy said, ?Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...?

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, ?We?re outta here!?
 

RGrew176

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A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, ?How do you find the Americans, Donald??

?Mother,? says Donald, ?they?re such noisy people. One neighbor won?t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.?

?Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them??
?What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.?
 

RGrew176

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An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
 

RGrew176

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John was told that a Twin-Engine Plane would be Waiting at the Airport.

Arriving at the Airport he spotted a Plane warming up outside the hanger.

He jumped in, said ?Lets go?.

The Pilot taxied and took off.

Once in the air John told the Pilot: ?Fly Low over the Valley so I can take Pictures of the Fire on the hill?

Pilot : Why.?

John : Bcoz I?m the Photographer for CNN. I need to get some close up shots.

Pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered ?So, what You?re telling me is . . . You?re Not My Flying Instructor??



Life is Short. .Always ASK, NEVER ASSUME.!
 

RGrew176

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Why would you need blue silk pajamas for fishing? What could possibly be the connection? And yet, in this story, the husband convinces his wife that he needs to have the pajamas when he goes out fishing.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your fishing box."
 

RGrew176

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Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton ? Complaints ? Things Mr. Royse Samples has
done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2005: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people?s carts when they weren?t looking.

2. November 23, 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. December 10, 2005: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. December 23, 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ?Code 3 in housewares!? ?.. and watched what happened.

5. January 10, 2006: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.

6. January 23, 2006: Moved a ?CAUTION ? WET FLOOR? sign to a carpeted area.

7. Feburary 15, 2006: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he?d invite them in if they?d bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. March 5, 2006: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, ?Why can?t you people just leave me alone??

9. March 26, 2006: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. April 2, 2006: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. April 15, 2006: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the ?Mission Impossible? theme.

12. April 26, 2006: In the auto department, practiced his ?Madonna look? using different size funnels.

13. May 1, 2006: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, ?PICK ME! ? PICK ME!?

14. May 12, 2006: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, ?NO! NO! Sheila! It?s those voices again!!!!?

And last, but not least, just today?.

15. May 16, 2006: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, ?Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!?
 

RGrew176

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A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper. The doctor asks, ?What?s the problem??The man says, ?Doctor, I don?t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.?

The doctor says, ?I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don?t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.?

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, ?Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that??

The doctor says, ?The water itself does nothing. It?s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.?
 

RGrew176

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.? Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.? "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.?

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
 

RGrew176

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A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on Earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him: ?Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates??

St Peter replies: ?Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you?ll be free to enter.?

?What word?,? she asks. ?Please tell me!?

?Spell LOVE,? and you can enter, replied St Peter.

Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her. After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the Earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates. Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

?Darling! I thought you?d never get here,? she says in greeting. ?I have missed you so much?tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left??

Her husband replied: ?Well, it?s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head?so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it?s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven??

The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: ?Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too?but, well, I guess life goes on right??

?Right!,? he said. ?So, tell me? how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I?d get here. Is it easy to get in??

Oh, yes,? she replied. ?All you have to do is spell one word?

?Okay!? he said excitedly. ?What word?

?Czechoslovakia?
 

RGrew176

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A kindergarten teacher was helping one of her students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn?t want to go on.When the second boot was on, she was nearly out of breath.She almost whimpered when the little boy said, ?Teacher, they?re on the wrong feet.

?She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn?t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as they worked together to get the boots back on ? this time on the right feet.

He then announced, ?These aren?t my boots.

?She bit her tongue rather than scream, ?Why didn?t you say so earlier?? like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, ?They?re my brother?s boots. My Mom made me wear them.?

She didn?t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, ?Now, where are your gloves??

He said, ?I stuffed them in the toes of my boots??
 

RGrew176

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I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
 

RGrew176

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During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, ?I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn?t know if they could help him.?

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, ?Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim?s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.?


Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, ?Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.? All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, ?I?m Jim.? The entire congregation held its breath.

?I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum (chest).?
 

jimmbo

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I have a new Motto in Life. If there is a Will, I wanna be in it!
 

RGrew176

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

RGrew176

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."
 

RGrew176

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
 

RGrew176

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I?m standing in a fairly short queue when a businessman walks in, pushes straight to the front and starts dictating his order to the 20-something year old cashier.
Cashier: ?I?m afraid you?re going to have to go to the back of the queue, sir.?
Business man: ?I have an important meeting shortly. You must serve me now!?
Cashier: ?Yeah, the longer you stand there, the later you?re going to be. Back of the queue.?
Business man: ?Do you have any idea who I am??
Cashier: ?Nope. Now shut up and go to the back of the queue.?
Business man: ?How dare you talk to me like that?! Get me your manager now!?
(The cashier sighs heavily, walks into the back, comes out with an older woman in tow and nods her towards the businessman, then disappears back into the back.)
Manager: ?What seems to be the problem, sir??
Business man: ?That boy was incredibly rude to me! I demand you fire him immediately!?
Manager: ?I?m afraid I don?t have the authority to do that, but if you want I can get the owner for you.?
Business man: ?Bah! Fine, but I expect to be compensated for having to go through all of this trouble!?
Manager: ?I?m sure you can discuss that with him, sir.?
(She then walks into the back, then comes out again with the now grinning cashier.)
Cashier: ?Yo.?
Business man: ?What?s the meaning of this? I said I wanted to talk to the owner!?
Cashier: ?Like I said, yo.?
(The businessman silently gapes for a few seconds, then walks out stammering threats about having his head and closing the shop down.)
Manager: ?Why do you always have to involve me??
Cashier: ?I just love the look on their stupid little faces when they find out I own this joint.?
(The manager rolls her eyes and walks into back.)
Cashier: ?I love this job. What can I get you??
 
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