Opinions on handling serious family illness

[scoutabout]

My wife and I got blindsided this week by a call from her mother telling us out of the blue her dad was in the hospital getting a cancerous kidney removed. Apparently they've known since before Christmas he had cancer and yet we all sat around the table that holiday and they told us nothing, instead choosing to keep quiet until the thing was over.

Is this behaviour as crazy as it sounds to us? We're really upset they wouldn't tell us about this as it was unfolding. I can't put my finger on it exactly but it feels selfish to me. Yeah, I know he's the one going under the knife but what if something went wrong or they didn't get it all or any of a dozen other reasons resulted in his death and here his daughter doesn't even get to prepare herself or say goodbye or anything. Just "poof" he's gone and the last communication she has is something dumb like, "nice Christmas decorations, dad. See you in a few weeks."

He's also like a father to me and I feel like crap he wouldn't tell me of his condition. We've shared a lot of real personal stuff over the twenty-odd years I've been with his daughter. We were hanging out in the garage for an hour together shooting the breeze and yakking about tools etc and he didn't say a thing. This last visit would have been about three days before his surgery.

The official line is that he didn't want to "cause a lot of bother" so he made the missus promise not to tell any of the kids. She finally cracked under the pressure and called us while he was still in the hospital. But now we're not supposed to know and should act all surprised when he finally calls. Surprised is right. Now I can't wait for him to recover so I can kick him in the arse for being such a jackass.

I don't know, what do you folks think? Do you have an obligation to let your immediate family in on life and death developments, not only to get the support you need but just as a matter of maintaining the family ties. We're baffled...

 

[aspeck]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Scout, different people handle situations differently. From what you have said, I would hazard a guess that your FIL is not one that handles others major medical issues or death of others really well. He probably doesn't like confrontation, either. Or maybe, he just likes to keep major issues to himself and not bother or impose on others.

In his mind, letting you know would have caused unnecessary worry and heartache. It was easier to go through this alone a let you in on it after all was okay. It was his way of protecting you, your wife, and all his kids and ones he cared about.

YOU need to remember that this is his illness. In his mind he was not selfish.

That said, from your shoes it was terribly selfish and you are hurt and upset that you were not included in this life and death situation. It is understandable. But remember why he did not tell you. In his eyes he was expressing his love for his daughter and son-in-law. When he heals, talk to him and let him know how you felt and ask him to please let you in on things like this. You and his daughter need to know to be prepared. However, do not be upset with him. He was trying to love you the best way he knew how under the circumstances.

 

[rbh]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Allow him his dignity/space in this crisis, we have gone through this many times in the last couple of years, and lost a sister in law.
I believe they first do not want to panic the family, second they are scared as hell. Its they're call how they deal with this, now you know, just give your support. Thats what I think they would want.
rob

 

[Summer Fun]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Older folks are set in their ways, They don't cry like babies about things like we do today. That's how they made it threw the tough times. . My Parents are the same way. They don't tell me anything when they're sick. .
Mom's 79yrs & Dad's 80yrs

 

[sprintst]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I think the dude wanted everyone to have a good Christmas. Life can go back to the regular crap after the holidays. I think I'd probably do the same.

 

[jay_merrill]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I suspect that your FIL didn't want to put a damper on the holidays - for both the family and himself. Maybe he just needed to feel normal at Christmas, thinking that it might end up being his last.

Whatever the case, to be frank, I think you are being a little selfish. I don't mean that in an overly judgemental way, because I know this is a shock to you and your wife, but your not the ones who had to face the reality that your own life may be nearing its end.

Now that you know, your job is to give him as much comfort as you can. The same goes in regard to your MIL and your wife - they scared for him and they need support. In doing so, you will get the same back from them, because they know you love him too.

As for the length of time that you know about cancer, I went through this with my mother. I knew for 7 years as she fought it, sometimes appearing to win the battle. When the time came, losing her wasn't really easier in the bigger picture. True that the initial shock is not the same, because you want to believe that they can beat it when you first find out, but the flip side is that knowing can result in an emotional roller coaster. In my case, after years of the fight, I felt "worn out" emotionally. As in any of these situations, you find a way to cope and you just deal with it, but I had my moments when I just wished it had been quick for her - and for me.

There just isn't a good way to find this out. Support those that you need to just ride it out. That's all you can do.



.

 

[roscoe]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

My now deceased Mother in law had cancer surgery. She told everyone it was gone. But she knew it had spread. She kept it all a secret for a year, and even let her daughter move across the country without saying a word.

So yes, it may seem crazy, but it certainly isn't unusual.

 

[Bob_VT]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Consider this.......... most of us have been through similar situations and have opinions. I lost my first wife to a serious illness that lasted 15 years...... regardless...... your FIL may have asked his Dr if he should notify the family. Dr's have allot of input when it comes to the problem and usually advise a patient on how to handle it.

I can tell you that he and your family will be in our prayers.

 

[PW2]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I understand and completely sympathise with your FIL's position.

Personally, I would much rather talk about tools, or holidays, or anything but my illness to family members. Only his doctors are going to offer useful medical advice, and news like this is going to dominate the conversation--the last thing in the world I would want.

If he dies, he dies. Presumably he's getting decent medical care, and at some point death is the one thing we all have in common.

 

[tashasdaddy]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

my mother was a very private person, never let us know anything. but she would play 20 questions with us.

 

[JB]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I would probably have involved my family because they are all medical people and understand realities that panic many others.

A kidney cancer, diagnosed early enough, is not a big threat and removing it is not a big threat, but many folks panic at the word and that can be very tough on the patient.

We all have secrets that we don't talk about, even to spouses, because we don't want to deal with others' perceptions and reactions.

I think Dad and Mom put that in the secret-for-now file and I think they have a right to do so.

 

[avenger79]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

my dad didn't even tell me when he was going through a divorce. i had to deduct it from things he would say about what he was doing lately. realizing he never said we anymore. some folks never want to let you see them when they're "down"

 

[Tacklewasher]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I get not wanting to disrupt Christmas.

And I have to live with the "stubborness" of my parents generation when it comes to not discussing health issues.

My parents live 3 minutes away.

Got a call one day that my Dad was driving to the hospital without his ID. Mom wanted me to pick her up to take his ID to the hospital.

No problem so I head over and get mom and the ID. "So what's Dad gone in for? A checkup?" I ask. Nope. He felt funny so he checked his blood pressure. 165 over 130 or something close to that. So he drives himself to the hospital. Call your kid who you've helped out a lot and would have no issue taking you to the hospital? Nope. Risk a heart attack and drive yourself? Yup.


Stubborn old goat.

 

[scoutabout]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Thanks guys for all your thoughtful and thought-provoking replies.

He's certainly one of the old school - a tough as tacks prairie farm boy who was taking care of his mother and the farm from 8 years of age while his dad was away working the oil rigs.

Later in life he worked as an emergency responder in aviation. Told me stories of standing in burned out, smashed fuselages with charred bodies at his feet. A strong guy who has dealt with real tough stuff who isn't used to showing weakness or asking for help.

Once, playing golf together he damn near had a heart attack and didn't say anything. It wasn't until he was recovering from a triple by-pass a month later that he admitted he thought for sure he was going to drop dead on me right there at the 8th hole. But he held his tongue and finished the game. I didn't notice anything other than his game was off a bit and he was a little quieter than usual.

Your replies are helping me see this in a new light and I'll pass them along to my wife. As aspeck says there will be time to at least propose the idea of letting us in on this kind of stuff once he's recovered. My mother-in-law has got her own health issues and relies on him very heavily. She probably could have use the help around the house the last couple of weeks. Maybe put in terms like that he might agree allow us into his confidence during this kind of thing.

Anyway, thanks.

 

[eaglejim]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Well this hits home even though I have yet to get "The Call", but always hear about the skin cancer,hospital visit etc a week later and know I talk to my folks every weekend and always the first thing I ask is how is everything, now I just kid them by asking"when are you going to tell me when you pass the day you need a pall bearer" and they laugh and say we did not want you to worry

 

[mscher]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

While in the Air force, I was struggling to complete a very difficult (for me, anyway) seven month, electronics/radar tech school. No leave was available during this time.

During that time, my father was diagnosed with lymphoma and was undergoing chemotherapy. My mother and father did not tell me until after I graduated the school. They did not want me to worry or cause problems with school.

Right or worng? They made the call on what they thought was best, as parents always do. I was a bit angry for being left out, but I understood why and they probably saved me a lot of problems anyway.

Your FIl probably thought he was protecting others from worry, also. Don't make it about you, he's the one that is probably dying.

IMO, if my FIL (assuming I had a decent one) was to die three days from now, this is what I would want to remember him by -

"We've shared a lot of real personal stuff over the twenty-odd years I've been with his daughter. We were hanging out in the garage for an hour together shooting the breeze and yakking about tools etc and he didn't say a thing."

Maybe this is what he would rather have you remember him by.

 

[jackd1023]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

Okay, sorry to hear the news, I am a cancer survivor.

I went through a lot of mixed emotions, I am 34 years old with three children.

I honestly did not want anyone to know for the sure fact it didnt really hit me as to how serious it was until I was almost finished. I just put blinders on and went to get "fixed" really no body else's feelings mattered, I just had to concentrate on getting better. The more people that are around the worse it is, it becomes almost a pity party.

Let him heal, dont be mad, he has your best intrest in mind. You have a life and a family and it is one more worry in this crazy world.

Pray and keep him in your thoughts, he will be fine, buy him a beer and give him a hug when it is all over.

 

[Bucks45]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I understand you being upset. I was extremely close with my father in law. Like you, he was more like a father to me. My only thought would be, if you have that much respect for him, you have to respect his wishes, even if you don't agree with them.

 

[tkrfxr]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I think the dude wanted everyone to have a good Christmas. Life can go back to the regular crap after the holidays. I think I'd probably do the same.

I agree...Christmas is a time for joy, and he probably wanted to keep things private.

Now that the Genie is out of the bottle, I think you can all come together to support him after the surgery. I'm sure he won't mind. These things are never truly kept secret from everyone.

My prayers are with you and your family. As you can see, more than a few people choose to keep serious health matters private. It's very personal.

 

[rogerwa]

Re: Opinions on handling serious family illness

I definitely think it is a gnerational thing. My parents don't have a lot. But they will not allow their kids to help them..

My mom is currently undergoing radiation for some cancer. She heard that some of it may not be covered and that it would be more than they could afford and she was determined just to skip the treatment. I told her that was not an option, that her kids have th right to spend their money any way they want. Luckily it did not come to that but it is very frustrating..