D
DJ
Guest
Subject: OIL CHANGE<br />><br />><br />>Oil Change instructions for Women:<br />><br />>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil<br />>change<br />>2) Drink a cup of coffee.<br />>3) 25 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained<br />>vehicle.<br />><br />>Money spent: $20 for oil change + $1 for coffee = $21<br />><br />>Oil Change instructions for Men:<br />><br />>1) Go to auto parts store and spend $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter,<br />hand<br />>cleaner and a scented tree.<br />>2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to<br />>recycle, dump in hole in back yard.<br />>3) Open a beer and drink it.<br />>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.<br />>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.<br />>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.<br />>7) Place drain pan under engine.<br />>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.<br />>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.<br />>10) Unscrew drain plug.<br />>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.<br />>12) Clean up mess.<br />>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.<br />>14) Look for oil filter wrench.<br />>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.<br />>16) Beer.<br />>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change<br />>tomorrow.<br />>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.<br />>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.<br />>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.<br />>21) Walk to the store; buy beer.<br />>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to<br />>gasket surface.<br />>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.<br />>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.<br />>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.<br />>26) Discover that the drain plug is buried in a hole in the backyard,<br />along<br />>with the used oil.<br />>27) Drink beer.<br />>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.<br />>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.<br />>30) Drink beer.<br />>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.<br />>32) Bang head on engine in reaction to step 31.<br />>33) Begin cussing fit.<br />>34) Throw wrench.<br />>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)<br />>and ripped her left @#$%.<br />>35) Beer.<br />>36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood<br />flow.<br />>37) Beer.<br />>38) Beer.<br />>39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.<br />>40) Beer.<br />>41) Lower car from jack stands.<br />>42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.<br />>43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during<br />>step 29<br />>44) Beer.<br />>45) Test drive car.<br />>46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.<br />>47) Car gets impounded.<br />>48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.<br />><br />><br />>Money spent: $50 parts + $25 beer + $75 replacement set of jack stands +<br />>$1,000 bail + $200 impound and towing fee= $1,350.<br />>EPA fine for illegal dumping of hazardous material = $26,000<br />><br />>Total cost = $27,350<br />><br />><br />>
