Re: Need tips on punishing a 9 yr old
Originally posted by KenImpZoom:<br /> Tink like I said, I would have been pretty light on the kid had he not lied to me.<br /><br />I am trying to teach him that whatever the trouble he is in, he needs to come out with it ASAP. Trying to hide it will just make it worse.<br /><br />Sounds like you have that trust with your son, that is what I want with mine.<br /><br />Ken
Ken, for what it's worth from another ordinary parent who's trying to do the best he can with horses that can't be rode that came with no instructions, I've always made a distinction with my kids between being upset about conduct and being lied to.<br /><br />My kids know that I and their mother regard lying to us as a lot worse than doing something wrong, because lying betrays the trust we have in them. It also has worse and longer lasting consequences. <br /><br />The consequence of losing trust is that we can't trust you to go to a friend's place or the movies and be home by the agreed time so you don't go, and so on. That concept is wasted on a 2 y.o. but that's when we started telling them about it. They gradually grasped it and now tell us the truth. Or maybe they're just real good at concealing it from us. At least they've never been caught out by independent evidence.<br /><br />I'm not into physical punishment, partly because I had a fair bit and you can learn to put up with varying degrees of pain if you get enough of it often enough. It also sends the wrong message that I can do this because I'm bigger, which ain't so good when a boy who's been toughened up hits maybe 15, as my old man discovered. One of the silliest things is to see a parent whack a kid for hitting another kid. <br /><br />When it's really serious I just tell my kids I'm disappointed in them because they've betrayed my trust by lying, or whatever it is. No shouting or carrying on (unlike big issues like not taking the rubbish bins out). Just calm, quiet, and give them the cold shoulder for a while, without being nasty or withholding routines like bedtime hugs. Manipulative, but it works. Happens less and less as they get older. I never had to do it more than 2 or 3 times a year at worst with each kid. Unlike feeling like hitting my challenging son lots of days.<br /><br />If they respect you and want your approval, which all kids do of their parents, telling them they've lost it over whatever the issue is a lot more painful and effective than a smack on the bum. Lasts longer, too. <br /><br />Also more adult and better training for what adults do. Someone mistreats us socially or at work, we don't usually hit them or deal with it physically. We just say things and if it's bad enough we withdraw from them.<br /><br />Then again the result of my approach is that my kids might go off the rails big time in a few years because of the way I've treated them. <br /><br />We do the best we can according to our principles and knowledge and abilities.
