bubbakat
Captain
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2002
- Messages
- 3,110
Dear Sirs: <br /><br />I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the <br />three dependents I claimed on my 2002 Federal Tax return. <br /><br />Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my <br />children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only <br />fair that, since they are minors and no longer my <br />responsibility, the government should know something about them and <br />what to expect over the next year. <br /><br />Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and <br />reinstate the deductions. They are yours! <br /><br />The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!! <br /><br />I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can <br />answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal <br />training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you <br />can name. Taxes should be a breeze. <br /><br />Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you <br />will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that <br />over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so <br />you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds <br />to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. <br /><br />Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the <br />wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to <br />teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming <br />passion and ignoring us, safe sex. <br /><br />This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be <br />handl! ing this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn <br />Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. <br /><br />Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a <br />little closer together than those of normal <br />people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not <br />incarcerated first. <br /><br />In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer <br />who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering <br />houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS <br />office or to Ogden, UT? <br /><br />Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. <br />Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. <br />You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school <br />after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. <br /><br />I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice- <br />principal. ! Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging <br />hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be <br />much more peaceful when he lives in your home. <br /><br />DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, <br />explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They <br />find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out <br />the 900 and 976 numbers!) <br /><br />Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if <br />by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. <br /><br />She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She <br />wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny <br />Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch <br />of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so <br />the school has dropped it. <br /><br />But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount <br />of the deduction that you ! are denying me! It's quite obvious that we <br />were terrible parents (ask the other two). <br /><br />She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the <br />curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the <br />hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. <br /><br />The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. <br />It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats <br />backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more <br />times. <br /><br />There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that <br />you can handle it. <br /><br />Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her <br />room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than <br />find out what it is really made of. <br /><br />You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get <br />to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest <br />two; I will st! ill go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am <br />free! <br /><br />If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for <br />counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two <br />girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military <br />academy. <br /><br />Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have <br />already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional <br />tax and made a down payment on an airplane. <br /><br />Yours truly, <br />Bubbakat<br /><br />Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated my refund.
That is Halarious!!! 
