Joke of the day

wildbill59 · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop he brought to his military base. FEMALE REPORTER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys while they're visiting your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, and shooting. FEMALE REPORTER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: Not at all, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range FEMALE REPORTER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: No we are very safety conscious and will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE REPORTER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a hooker, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines...

wildbill59 · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

The French have come out and said that they did find three banned substances while searching Lance Armstrong's hotel room. They were Soap, Deodorant and Toothpaste.

gonefishie · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

three mices walk into a bar, sat down at a table and got their drinks. The first mice said "I'm a bad mofo" he chugged his beer and slammed it on the table and said "in my neighborhood, there are mouse trap all around and I just walk up to them, take the cheese, eat it with one hand and bench press the spring trap with the other hand. I'm a bad mofo". The second mice chugged his beer, slammed it on the table and said "Oh yeah? I'm a bad mofo! In my neighborhood there are rat poison all over the place and I eat them for breakfast everyday. I'm a bad mofo". The third mice took a couple drinks out of his beer, sat it down on the table, didn't say a word, got up and walk toward the door. Puzzled, the other two mices looked at each other and then asked the third mice "where are you going?" The third mice turned around and said "I'm going home and f..ck the cat".

Wotknot · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

A cowboy walks up to an Indian and asks.... Cowboy: Injun, you mind if I talk to your dog? Indian: Dog no talk Cowboy: Dog, does this Injun treat you ok? Dog: Yeah he does, I cant complain. He feeds me every day and never ties me up. (Indian falls out, cant believe he just heard his dog talk) Cowboy: Injun, would you mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Horse, does this Injun treat you ok? Horse: Yeah he does. He feeds me every day and always lets me run loose, I cant complain. (Indian in total amazement again) Cowboy: Injun, mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lies

SpinnerBait_Nut · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

"Of Idiots and Injuries" An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim. This was the response: "I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being lifted off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools so only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope..."

SpinnerBait_Nut · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

"Erogonique" I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but for an outside line you need to press 9."

SpinnerBait_Nut · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

"Lost And Found" A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important. Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said, "Its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" they asked. Said the cops, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and- Seek Champion."

Twidget · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?" Homer scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

Twidget · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Twidget · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

FIRST DAY OF 4th GRADE It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up."Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Moody Blue · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

A blonde housewife in a well-to-do neighbourhood decided she had enough of staying at home and wanted to work outside the home. After much deliberation, and because she was very good at it, she decided she would offer her services as a painter. After knocking at the doors of several houses in the neighbourhood, a man answered. Hello she said, do you have anything that you would like to have painted? Yes the man says, the porch could use a fresh coat of paint. We only have 1 gallon of paint, do you think that will be enough? Yes says the blonde and immediately gets to work. Several hours later the blonde knocks at the door and tells the owner she has finished. Infact, she had enough paint to give it two coats instead of one. Impressed, the man pays the blonde and gives her a big tip as well. As the blonde turns to leave, she says to the man ....... by the way, its not a Porshe, its a Lexus.

Moody Blue · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

SBN, thanks for the story about the accident claim. Have not laughed so hard in a long time. Just had this mental image of that poor guy going up then back down. Still wiping tears from my eyes.

Realgun · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

Bassy · Sep 14, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

I needed that! Thanks. Now I can get through the rest of the week. Bassy

SS MAYFLOAT · Sep 15, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

You know it is going to be a bad day when you catch your wife putting Miracle Grow in your underwear!

tcube · Sep 15, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

wildbill, The NPR story is a great joke - wish it were true. see Snopes

wildbill59 · Sep 18, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

A Fisherman's Tale Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

BoatBuoy · Sep 18, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

Looks like somebody just found jokes.com

steve reuter · Sep 18, 2005

Re: Joke of the day

green green green ......yellow HAHAHAHA

Joke of the day

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Commander

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Commander

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Admiral

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Rear Admiral

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