Since I start one thread on cats I thought I would add this oldy but goody.<br />--------------------------------------------------<br />HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL<br /><br /> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if<br /> holding a baby. Position right hand thumb on either side of cat's mouth and<br /> gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in hand. As cat opens<br /> mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.<br /><br /> 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in<br /> right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.<br /><br /> 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.<br /><br /> 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear<br /> paws tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with<br /> forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.<br /><br /> 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call<br /> spouse from garden.<br /><br /> 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front,<br />and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly<br />with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill; put down<br />ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.<br /><br /> 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.<br />Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered<br /> figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.<br /><br /> 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just<br /> visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force<br />mouth open with pencil and blow through straw.<br /><br /> 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one<br />beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood<br />from carpet with cold water and soap.<br /><br /> 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another<br />beer. Place cat on cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head<br />showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with<br />elastic band.<br /><br /> 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on<br />hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. pour shot, drink. Apply cold<br />compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to<br />cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new<br /> one from bedroom.<br /><br /> 12) Call fire department to retrieve the ------ cat from tree across<br /> the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to<br /> avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.<br /><br /> 13) Tie the little ------'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine<br />and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves<br />from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be<br /> rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat<br /> to wash pill down.<br /><br /> 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the<br /> emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and<br />removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new<br /> table.<br /><br /> 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet<br /> shop to see if they have any guinea pigs available.<br /><br /> HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL<br /><br /> 1) Wrap it in bacon. Drop on the floor.
