How about some funnies

[Kenneth Brown]

Ok, we've all been pretty hot headed here lately. As Tknrr siad lets lighten up. I'll start it out.<br /><br /><br />A Fishing Lure<br />A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.<br /><br />Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.<br /><br />After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.<br /><br />"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.<br /><br />With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.<br /><br />"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"<br /><br />"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one." <br /><br /><br />Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." <br />The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"<br /><br />The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."<br /><br />The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

 

[wildbill59]

Re: How about some funnies

The Maytag Man <br /><br />A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin Maytag man?" and hung up. <br /><br />The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up. <br /><br />She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "Ill tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice." <br /><br />Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" <br /><br />The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin Betty Crocker?"

 

[Dunaruna]

Re: How about some funnies

What do you call a blonde hiding in the closet?<br />The 1987 world 'Hide & Seek' champion.<br /><br />Why don't lawyers go to the beach?<br />Cats keep covering them with sand.<br /><br />What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?<br />A nervous wreck.<br /><br />What is Osama Binladens' idea for safe sex?<br />Mark a big 'X' on the camels that kick.<br /><br />Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac?<br />He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.<br /><br />How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?<br />From a catalogue.

 

[sangerwaker]

Re: How about some funnies

The Inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died <br />and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've <br />been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your <br />reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."<br /><br />Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out <br />with God."<br /><br />St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.<br /><br />God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who <br />invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!"<br /><br />Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."<br /><br />God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's <br />pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a <br />road?!<br /><br />Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you <br />the inventor of woman?"<br /><br />God said, "Ah, yes."<br /><br />"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have! some <br />major <br />design flaws in your invention:<br /><br />1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;<br /><br />2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;<br /><br />3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;<br /><br />4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;<br /><br />5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"<br /><br />"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."<br />God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and <br />waited for the results.<br /><br />The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.<br /><br />"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, <br />"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than <br />yours.

 

[Holdimhook]

Re: How about some funnies

Subject: The Counselor<br />> <br />> The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The<br />> counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade<br />> listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been<br />> married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes<br />> around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately while<br />> cupping her behind with one hand and fondling one breast with the other. The<br />> woman shuts up and sits in a daze, breathing rapidly, heart racing. The<br />> counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at<br />> least three times a week. Can you do that?"<br />> <br />> The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here<br />> Monday and Wednesday, but Friday's my fishing day."

 

[Tinkrrr]

Re: How about some funnies

If you're on dialup you'll probably die before this loads, but whatever you're on just let it get to 100% of the load and then hit play and you'll get a nice video. Or maybe not. <br /><br /> http://uselessgraphics.com/oldpeople.htm