Cylinders wont fire.

[Bondo]

Ok. Either I'm real dumb (strong possibility), or I'm real screwed.
0 compression/no movement on the guage on cylinder 1 or 3. I tried re-seating guage a little tighter... no change.

Ayuh,..... Does yer tester screw into the plug hole,..??

If so, bring that cylinder to TDC, compression, 'n pressurize with air, then listen for the sound,....
Through the intake, it'a an intake valve,.....
Through the exhaust, it's a burnt exhaust valve,.....
Through the oil fill, there's a hole in the piston,....

 

[tpenfield]

Ok. Either I'm real dumb (strong possibility), or I'm real screwed.
0 compression/no movement on the gauge on cylinder 1 or 3. I tried re-seating gauge a little tighter... no change.

OK - that speaks to seeing/feeling air come out of the intake (vs. suction only). So, I would be checking the valves (valve covers removed) to see if they are moving. See where that leads . . . and go from there.

 

[dubs283]

0 compression/no movement on the guage on cylinder 1 or 3. I tried re-seating guage a little tighter... no change.

What were the compression numbers on the other cylinders?